To have absolutely lost my rag at DP and DSD(13)?

KenIsAnAccessory · 02/09/2025 21:59

You're not unreasonable at all. My 3yo gets told off for not washing his hands. Grim.

Katemax82 · 02/09/2025 22:00

I can't imagine this..how gross. My daughter of a similar age is the most hygiene conscious person I know (not so much my 7 year old son)

SummerEve · 02/09/2025 22:13

Not unreasonable at all. It’s totally unacceptable.

CinnamonBuns67 · 02/09/2025 22:27

Yanbu she's not a young child shes 13 she's old enough that she should maintain her own hygiene. Absolutely gross.

RogerR4bbit · 02/09/2025 23:11

Why is your DP not parenting his daughter and teaching her proper hygiene?

IwouldlikeanewTV · 02/09/2025 23:12

Could she be washing her hands then flushing the toilet?

Mexicansky · 02/09/2025 23:27

I have a 12 and 14 year old who would both wash their hands after using the bathroom
but if either of them had a stomach bug I would be asking them to wash their hands after each bathroom use, making sure they had their own towel but then I would be making sure the toilet and sink were cleaned with antibac rather than relying on them to do it.

Enko · 02/09/2025 23:31

Yanbu to want her to wash her hands

YABU to shout

NoThanksNeeded · 02/09/2025 23:56

Asking her to Dettol the toilet was probably a bit much

But she should wash her hands

Shouting was OTT though. You should have tried calmly talking

DonnyBurrito · 02/09/2025 23:58

I don't understand the obsession with hand washing after going for a wee? As an adult woman who has been wiping for 30+ years, I really don't get anything 'dirty' on my hands. I wash my hands every single time if I take a shite of course, just in case. But I still literally do not get any shite on my hands whatsoever.

Or are we washing our hands when we go to the toilet to account for other people who can't wipe themselves without getting shit and piss everywhere who then touch the flush/taps?

Even dafter are taps you have to touch with 'dirty' hands to turn on, wash your hands, then touch the 'dirty' tap again to turn it off. Sometimes I give the taps a soaping too...

Often the whole thing just seems unscientific and a bit dumb. Potentially got shit or piss on your hands? Wash em. If not? Use your sleeve to open the door on the way out.

SummerFeverVenice · 03/09/2025 00:02

I think you are expecting her to undo 13yrs of neglect over night.
I have known many children raised in filth that have never been taught hygiene or how to clean.
Hygiene and how to clean are all learned behaviours that then become habits from an early age.
But it is easier to learn it than it is to unlearn and stop habits that a child has grown up with for 13yrs.
It will take her a long time to learn hygiene and to get into the habit of it.
Turning it into a battle of wills by shouting and judging her won’t encourage her at all.
So yanbu to want her to improve, but yabu to shout and blame her for every bug that comes into the household.

AusMumhere · 03/09/2025 00:16

DonnyBurrito · 02/09/2025 23:58

I don't understand the obsession with hand washing after going for a wee? As an adult woman who has been wiping for 30+ years, I really don't get anything 'dirty' on my hands. I wash my hands every single time if I take a shite of course, just in case. But I still literally do not get any shite on my hands whatsoever.

Or are we washing our hands when we go to the toilet to account for other people who can't wipe themselves without getting shit and piss everywhere who then touch the flush/taps?

Even dafter are taps you have to touch with 'dirty' hands to turn on, wash your hands, then touch the 'dirty' tap again to turn it off. Sometimes I give the taps a soaping too...

Often the whole thing just seems unscientific and a bit dumb. Potentially got shit or piss on your hands? Wash em. If not? Use your sleeve to open the door on the way out.

😯

Ella31 · 03/09/2025 00:16

You aren't unreasonable to be irritated about her hygiene but screaming at her is not appropriate. You are the adult here. Often there are other issues going on when hygiene is neglected in young people. At the end of the day she is a young teenager. This needs to be approached differently. If I was 13 and screamed at by a step parent like that, id probably distance myself from you. I cant see many teenagers bleaching toilets either.

VioletandDill · 03/09/2025 00:22

Yes YABU to lose your rag. Shouting isn't pleasant. You also shouted at your DH? Why? He wasn't the person not washing hands.
She's 13 and will continue to be a bit smelly because teenagers are sometimes. I was a soap dodger for a couple of years. If you get this wound up about not washing hands, you'll be worn out by the time she's 16.

OneSharpFinch · 03/09/2025 00:24

Your poor DSD - imagine being 13 and feeling really poorly and the only thing anyone (and not even either of your parents) around you is doing to make you feel better is shouting at you to use a dettol spray.

So OP not only are you being unreasonable, you are literally being the evil stepmother. Here's what to do with a sick child. Step 1, check for a high temp and rashes, if a high temp give calpol, if a rash and a high temp call 111.
Step 2, tuck up child in bed with fluids on hands and snacks, Step 3, show some love, try and make the effort so they know they feel cared for - that means offering to get them anything they need and making sure they are comfortable.

DonnyBurrito · 03/09/2025 00:25

AusMumhere · 03/09/2025 00:16

😯

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😱 news just in, piss is sterile!

ChangeNamesAtLeastOnceAWeek · 03/09/2025 00:26

OneSharpFinch · 03/09/2025 00:24

Your poor DSD - imagine being 13 and feeling really poorly and the only thing anyone (and not even either of your parents) around you is doing to make you feel better is shouting at you to use a dettol spray.

So OP not only are you being unreasonable, you are literally being the evil stepmother. Here's what to do with a sick child. Step 1, check for a high temp and rashes, if a high temp give calpol, if a rash and a high temp call 111.
Step 2, tuck up child in bed with fluids on hands and snacks, Step 3, show some love, try and make the effort so they know they feel cared for - that means offering to get them anything they need and making sure they are comfortable.

Stop it 🤣🤣 she's 13 with the shits 🤣🤣

changedwoman123 · 03/09/2025 00:29

OneSharpFinch · 03/09/2025 00:24

Your poor DSD - imagine being 13 and feeling really poorly and the only thing anyone (and not even either of your parents) around you is doing to make you feel better is shouting at you to use a dettol spray.

So OP not only are you being unreasonable, you are literally being the evil stepmother. Here's what to do with a sick child. Step 1, check for a high temp and rashes, if a high temp give calpol, if a rash and a high temp call 111.
Step 2, tuck up child in bed with fluids on hands and snacks, Step 3, show some love, try and make the effort so they know they feel cared for - that means offering to get them anything they need and making sure they are comfortable.

This so much! Please be kind

ChangeNamesAtLeastOnceAWeek · 03/09/2025 00:29

Autumnbreeze84 · 02/09/2025 21:58

Evening all - hoping I can gauge how unreasonable (or not!) my meltdown earlier was…

To cut a very long story short - DSD is currently living with us full time for reasons I won’t go into. She has notoriously bad hygiene practices, including not showering for days, not washing her hands after using the bathroom and just leaving things spilled anywhere / everywhere around the house.

Last week, she picked up some kind of stomach bug, so I’ve left the dettol spray, bleach and brush by the side of the toilet and told her to use them each time she uses the bathroom. Cut to end of last week, both myself and DP came down with said bug.

This afternoon, after a long day at work, I come upstairs to plug my phone in and hear DSD flush the toilet and immediately walk out of the bathroom to her room. No hand washing at all. I bolted out of the room and shouted at both her and DP that this is exactly the reason why we keep getting poorly (we have caught numerous bugs from her in the past) and it’s absolutely disgusting that at 13 she still doesn’t know or is too lazy to wash her hands after using the toilet.

AIBU?!?! I thought hand washing was the most basic of basic practices - and I always make sure there is hand soap and a clean towel in the bathroom available to use!

You shouldn't of shouted but I completely understand losing your rag

I have a long term lung condition and I dread when the kids go back to school. I spent 4 weeks of the holidays unwell with bronchitus...... I'd be really upset if someone kept bringing illnesses into the house and wasn't washing their hands ect..... it's actually really selfish and thoughtless

SummerFeverVenice · 03/09/2025 00:43

ChangeNamesAtLeastOnceAWeek · 03/09/2025 00:26

Stop it 🤣🤣 she's 13 with the shits 🤣🤣

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The “shits” can be serious. Ever hear of dysentery?

SummerFeverVenice · 03/09/2025 00:45

DonnyBurrito · 03/09/2025 00:25

😱 news just in, piss is sterile!

Show quote history

No it’s not as soon as it leaves your bladder it is not sterile.
Secondly, toilet paper is highly porous and bacteria from piss and shit get on your hands when you wipe even if you can’t feel it.

That is science.

Kleptronic · 03/09/2025 00:54

YABU
You would have caught that bug anyway. That is the nature of these things.
This is a 13 year old child, removed from a parent to yours and your DP's house, which must have involved some kind of trauma. Even if it was 50/50 care, to be removed from 50% of parenting is trauma.
Then there's being 13.
Have you no empathy?
Would you accept being spoken to the way you spoke to her?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2025 01:12

OneSharpFinch · 03/09/2025 00:24

Your poor DSD - imagine being 13 and feeling really poorly and the only thing anyone (and not even either of your parents) around you is doing to make you feel better is shouting at you to use a dettol spray.

So OP not only are you being unreasonable, you are literally being the evil stepmother. Here's what to do with a sick child. Step 1, check for a high temp and rashes, if a high temp give calpol, if a rash and a high temp call 111.
Step 2, tuck up child in bed with fluids on hands and snacks, Step 3, show some love, try and make the effort so they know they feel cared for - that means offering to get them anything they need and making sure they are comfortable.

This. The living with you unexpectedly, and bad hygiene, makes me think trauma.

Shouting at her won’t help with that.

coxesorangepippin · 03/09/2025 01:52

Where's dp in all this??

Passively standing by?

Ethelflaedofmercia · 03/09/2025 01:56

You lost your rag over handwashing?

you just don’t like the child let’s face facts. It’s pretty obvious.