To have absolutely lost my rag at DP and DSD(13)?

[Autumnbreeze84]

Evening all - hoping I can gauge how unreasonable (or not!) my meltdown earlier was…

To cut a very long story short - DSD is currently living with us full time for reasons I won’t go into. She has notoriously bad hygiene practices, including not showering for days, not washing her hands after using the bathroom and just leaving things spilled anywhere / everywhere around the house.

Last week, she picked up some kind of stomach bug, so I’ve left the dettol spray, bleach and brush by the side of the toilet and told her to use them each time she uses the bathroom. Cut to end of last week, both myself and DP came down with said bug.

This afternoon, after a long day at work, I come upstairs to plug my phone in and hear DSD flush the toilet and immediately walk out of the bathroom to her room. No hand washing at all. I bolted out of the room and shouted at both her and DP that this is exactly the reason why we keep getting poorly (we have caught numerous bugs from her in the past) and it’s absolutely disgusting that at 13 she still doesn’t know or is too lazy to wash her hands after using the toilet.

AIBU?!?! I thought hand washing was the most basic of basic practices - and I always make sure there is hand soap and a clean towel in the bathroom available to use!

Poor child! Who the hell makes a poorly 13 year old dettol a toilet?

You’d get a lot further with proper support and encouragement than shouting. Take her to Lush or Body Shop or whatever and let her pick up some shower gels, buy nice smelling soaps. Or get her dad to do it. But don’t shout and shame children over their hygiene, especially when they are already displaced and having other home difficulties.

🤮

Screaming at a child, making them use bleach and dettol every time they use the loo (whilst they are sick too)…. I dunno… screams (pardon the pun) of making a poor kid feel anxious and unwelcome in their new home / their dads ‘new’ relationship. Asking / reminding might have been more appropriate OP.

Poor kid.

I would take over the cleaning with a sick child. They'd be given a separate towel and I would disinfect the bathroom after they'd used it. I would expect them to wash their hands though and if you have both become repeatedly sick by her slack hygiene then I can understand you being angry. She knows what she is meant to do about washing her hands, she just chooses not to do it. I also provide a separate tube of toothpaste but given her slack hygiene it's probably not a problem for you as a source of infection.

@Autumnbreeze84

I’m a bit torn on this!

There is part of me that thinks humans go to an extreme level over hygiene - and that can be counter productive?
We do put loads of chemicals/perfumes on our body only how much of this is actually bad for environment, micro plastics, stop us building our natural immunity.

Is DSD otherwise well, does she get ill a lot? The illness you describe sounds like a viral rather than bacterial infection. But hand washing could have prevented this.
Also concerns me that a DSD relationship can be hard, and I’d analyse your feelings generally towards her, and any resentment. Shouting over this is wrong, and I think the Detol by the toilet is OTT.

Of course she should wash her hands, but you need to calm down as you did not deal with her in an appropriate manner. She's 13, she should not be expected to be spraying the toilet after each use when she's ill. That was a pretty cold and unkind thing to ask of a child who probably isnt feeling well and has clearly just had some fairly major change in circumstance. I think try and approach it with a little more kindness and understanding and she'll respond far better to you.

Yes, she should wash her hands after using the loo. However, having said that, if she has a gastro bug then you can all pretty much wash your hands a thousand times after using the loo and wrap yourselves in plastic soaked in disinfectant and it will run through the household irrespective. Unless you all wear gloves that you strictly change whenever you touch a surface or yourselves, you are all going to get it irrespective, so YABVU blaming her for that aspect.

How gross are you @DonnyBurrito . Do you tell your friends / work colleagues this? Why do you think doctors, people doing food prep etc are taught about hand washing? If I knew I had friends like this I couldn’t be friends with them.

Some teens do repeatedly need it spelled out to them that their hygiene affects others. Stomach bugs are no joke. The smell teenagers can emit is no joke! I’ve been angry at having to breathe in the stench of my dd’s room in the past when she secretly skipped showers. It’s a visceral reaction.

Are you in the doghouse?

She's not a Victorian toddler wasting away with consumption. She is a lazy 13 year old who refuses to wash her hands after using the toilet, even when she has a stomach bug.

Raising your voice was unreasonable but also forgivable,
she did cause you guys to catch her bug.
Maybe leave disinfecting wipes in the bathroom?

“Killing 99.9% of all germs isn't as necessary as we've been led to believe. The use of antibacterial hand gels is causing the rise of antibiotic resistant 'super-bugs' as well as interfering with immune system development in children. Many studies have proven that clean is better than germ-free. Those exposed to some level of germs have typically stronger immune systems than those who grow up in overly sanitised environments.”

@Autumnbreeze84

It comes out sterile but doesn't remain sterile. It's not saline solution.

She's more than old enough to know basic hygiene it sounds like she's just lazy. I'd be pissed off too if the poor hygiene is bringing stomach bugs into the household constantly. She needs massively reminding that she needs to wash hands after using the toilet and that if she doesn't the consequences is that she will continue to become poorly due to her lack of hygiene. maybe ask her why she doesn't feel that it's necessary you might find she's not been taught why it's essential

Erm 🤣🤣

Is she being abused by someone?

I SAY UNREASONABLE BECAUSE SHE COULD HAVE UNDIAGNOSED DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITIES / AUTISM. PHYSICAL HYGIENE IS A COMMON CHALLENGE FOR SPECIAL NEEDS INDIVIDUALS AND THE SPECTRUM IS VAST. SHAMING, YELLING ETC IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING YOU CAN DO REGARDLESS OF HER POSSIBLE CONDITION. DON'T FORGET ABOUT EMPATHY HYGIENE, I AM THE ADULT HYGIENE, WHY WOULD SHE RESPECT ME IF I'M BEING AN ASSHOLE HYGEINE?

I kinda feel the same. If I’m in a public place then yes, because who knows whose touched the doors etc.

But at home? No? I don’t tend to piss all over my hands so I don’t see the need.

WHEN ARE PARENTS GOING TO LEARN WHAT PARENTING MEANS. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S FORGIVABLE. THESE ARE DEVELOPING KIDS. YOU CAN CAUSE TRAUMA, ONE DAY THEY'LL MAYBE FORGIVE YOU. IT DOESN'T CHANGE SHT. STOP YELLING AT YOUR F-ING KIDS.

iN PUBLIC TOILETS i FLUSH THE TOILET WITH MY SHOE.

There are two types of parents. Some are assholes the others are not.

One Sharp Finch is correct and the mean ones I feel bad for anyone that has to know you.

This is so much more complex than you make it and with proper structure and approach, this would not be happening. Teenagers are still kids. They likely are avoiding showers to avoid seeing you in the hall.

Be kind to your children.

Are you feeling okay @womendeserveprivacy 😮
I feel sorry for this girl, she was ill and being instructed to disinfect the toilet after use! For goodness sake, give her a break.