To have absolutely lost my rag at DP and DSD(13)?

[Autumnbreeze84]

Evening all - hoping I can gauge how unreasonable (or not!) my meltdown earlier was…

To cut a very long story short - DSD is currently living with us full time for reasons I won’t go into. She has notoriously bad hygiene practices, including not showering for days, not washing her hands after using the bathroom and just leaving things spilled anywhere / everywhere around the house.

Last week, she picked up some kind of stomach bug, so I’ve left the dettol spray, bleach and brush by the side of the toilet and told her to use them each time she uses the bathroom. Cut to end of last week, both myself and DP came down with said bug.

This afternoon, after a long day at work, I come upstairs to plug my phone in and hear DSD flush the toilet and immediately walk out of the bathroom to her room. No hand washing at all. I bolted out of the room and shouted at both her and DP that this is exactly the reason why we keep getting poorly (we have caught numerous bugs from her in the past) and it’s absolutely disgusting that at 13 she still doesn’t know or is too lazy to wash her hands after using the toilet.

AIBU?!?! I thought hand washing was the most basic of basic practices - and I always make sure there is hand soap and a clean towel in the bathroom available to use!

OK, so you see someone who works in a cafe/restaurant that you're dining in coming out of a toilet cubicle and they've "only" been for a pee and not washing their hands, how would you feel about that?
Is that ok too?

Your DH needs to leave you ASAP.

If your biological child had a bug at 13 I bet you would be nursing them not screaming at them.

You were mean.

Morning everyone - thankyou for all the comments (including those who quite rightly say I shouldn’t have shouted!)

For some background, I’ve been with DP for over 7 years, with DsD staying 50/50 between us and mum the entire time. It’s not always been smooth sailing (I have no kids of my own so this was a huge learning curve) and have attended regular therapy in the hopes of being the best step mum I can (amongst other things it has helped with!)

I did apologise this morning for shouting, however I explained it was me completely and utterly tired out from having the tummy bug while still ploughing on with work, and usually I would have pulled her up on it another way and politely asked her to head back in to wash hands. And for those saying “evil step mum” “you shouldn’t have been asking her to clean / should have been looking after her” I absolutely have been - I look after her as though she’s my own and have doted on her since day 1. She’s been tucked up with a hot water bottle for the stomach cramps and I made sure she had plenty of drinks / snacks when she had the tummy bug.

I appreciate it’s a complex situation and I don’t need to explain it as it may be outing, but yeah it is a really tough time for her at the moment and I’m so so conscious of that. I guess the last few days have just shown me I’m not superhuman / can’t always control my emotions and need to give myself and everyone else a bit of a break!!

Thankyou everyone for the supportive comments, they truly were appreciated. 💓

Oh and to clarify! DSD was well over the tummy bug by the time myself and DP started it; I absolutely wouldn’t have shouted at her while she was poorly.

Other comments RE hand washing…. Absolutely wild and I can’t believe you are out there not washing hands after using the toilet every time!!

Is it your house?

You don’t have to be ok with this if you’re not happy!

You didn’t sign up to be a full time step-mum.

Correct - I own the house and DP pays me rent and half of the bills. I didn’t expect to be full time step mum either, it’s a huge adjustment for all of us…

Don’t let them gang up on you as a two against one situation.

I appreciate your suggestion and I think neurodivergence can easily be missed in young girls, which is why the average age for diagnoses for women is in their 30s, but it's also important to note that trauma can also cause executive functioning issues in an extremely similar way to ADHD.

There's a lot the OP isn't telling us, and being unilaterally with one parent when you've previously lived with the other or both is traumatic never mind the instances that led up to the move in the first place.

The OP doesn't seem trauma informed at all, and probably has a dissonance as it isn't her child.

Whether the OP suspects ADHD or not though I do think the OP should read up on executive functioning, task overwhelm and how to form positive associations.

You’re not proud of your reaction so presumably won’t be shouting at her again. But you are right to expect this very minimum level hygiene.

What is your DH doing to help, support and also parent her?

Depressing to see anyone claiming hand washing is optional after the loo. 🤮

Thankyou for the comment and it is noted - we’re currently in the process of having DSD referred for testing for ADHD, as both DP and myself have ADHD & AUDHD respectively so recognise a lot of the traits in DSD.

Both myself and DP have tried time and time again to try positive reinforcement / associations and minimise task overwhelm, however up until now it has unfortunately not been possible as mum would not engage in assisting with this in her 50/50 time (and she has every right to do as she pleases in terms of parenting!) Hopefully more stability will help, but again not seeing her mum is likely to cause difficulties in the short term. 💓

Just remember that what most people can pick up in 15 consecutive days, it can take years for someone with ADHD to pick up.

I know it's grim in terms of hand washing, but it explains why lots of us struggle with things others seem to just be able to do automatically.

It is a disgusting game of pick your battles, but you can gain some small success if you play on novelty, interest and urgency.

I'd focus more on trying to get a daily shower and accepting 5 out of 7 days is a bonus, and play on novelty with new exciting towels just for her, new soaps and travel sized bottles of good shampoos that you can switch out periodically to keep the novelty going, and in the meantime stick up one of those ugly over the top bright bathroom signs with the cliche slogans on about washing your hands with a motivational cat on it, something that really sticks out as a visual aid reminder, with a bottle of hand sanitiser for those days where it just feels too much.

If you don't think you would be expecting your "biological " 13yo to wash their hands after the toilet then that's on you, that's pretty poor.

This wasn't an isolated incident, DSD has been asked many many times - if I had the shits because of someone else's laziness and thoughtlessness I'd be shouting too. There's nursing and there's mollycoddling.

Re-read my post. I was talking about the bug.

I wouldn't be relying on my 14 year old son to clean the toilet/sink after having a bowel movement during a stomach bug. I'd be putting on disposable gloves, and cleaning it myself. If you didn't want to clean after your step-daughter had used the toilet, then your partner should be. As for not washing her hands after using the toilet, your partner should be parenting his own child, by teaching her to wash her hands and the one having a 'go' at her when she doesn't. Yes, she should be washing her hands, at 13, she's old enough to know and understand why it's necessary. No, you shouldn't have to remind her or at 13 teach her to do this. Have words with your partner.

Hmm im kinda with the OP on this one. She's trying to instill better life skills. You can nudge and direct and nurture all you want, sometimes it takes losing your shit for people to sit up and notice. Especially when the rest of the house has come down with the same bug.

The child, as far as im aware hasn't come from an orphanage. The child will have been to school and learnt heavily that handwashing is important, and why. And been around friends who will by default wash hands.

Well surely it was always a possibility for full custody when you're living with someone who has a DC.
The damage is done, you can't take back words, or time, ask him to leave before anymore damage comes to his DD.
You're lashing out on her.
Why hasn't your long-term partner taught his daughter how to wash, he's had 50/50 for 7 years, you are all bad parents.

OP didn't shout at DSD when she had the bug. She was fully recovered. OP and DP had caught the bug because of the poor hygiene, which continued even after she'd been asked to wash her hands and she continued to ignore that.

Her being 'biological' or step is irrelevant. Stop trying to make it about that.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I do this. Wash hands. Wipe water marks from tap with toilet roll. Flush said toilet roll down toilet. Doubt there's many 13 year olds that do that though!

😮 indeed.

Here we go again

Oh she's ASD so she can't wash her hands

It's dp you need to have a word with.
Ask him what he and the child's mother has been teaching (or not teaching)
her re hygiene.

She says, whilst "yelling" in all capitals

I would have lost it aswell. My DD12 is really hygienic cause I’ve drilled into her about wash hands, wipe surfaces, shower everyday. When we have bugs going around I put dettol wipes, a bin bag (for tissues) and hand sanitiser in her room and a huge bottle of bleach in the loo xxx

Well it’s a bit irritating. But you do sound overly anxious. And given that you scream at her and probably have done so before, then tbh it’s likely she’s doing the exact opposite of what you tell her out of chagrin and spite.

The world does not end because a teenager went to the loo and didn’t wash her hands. I really couldn’t get worked up.