To have absolutely lost my rag at DP and DSD(13)?

[Autumnbreeze84]

Evening all - hoping I can gauge how unreasonable (or not!) my meltdown earlier was…

To cut a very long story short - DSD is currently living with us full time for reasons I won’t go into. She has notoriously bad hygiene practices, including not showering for days, not washing her hands after using the bathroom and just leaving things spilled anywhere / everywhere around the house.

Last week, she picked up some kind of stomach bug, so I’ve left the dettol spray, bleach and brush by the side of the toilet and told her to use them each time she uses the bathroom. Cut to end of last week, both myself and DP came down with said bug.

This afternoon, after a long day at work, I come upstairs to plug my phone in and hear DSD flush the toilet and immediately walk out of the bathroom to her room. No hand washing at all. I bolted out of the room and shouted at both her and DP that this is exactly the reason why we keep getting poorly (we have caught numerous bugs from her in the past) and it’s absolutely disgusting that at 13 she still doesn’t know or is too lazy to wash her hands after using the toilet.

AIBU?!?! I thought hand washing was the most basic of basic practices - and I always make sure there is hand soap and a clean towel in the bathroom available to use!

That is totally gross, you’ve spoken to her about it before, I’d have blown a gasket too. My 2yo knows that washing hands after the loo is non negotiable, she’s just being lazy.

For everyone saying the bug would have gone through the household anyway, that is far from guaranteed. But not washing hands fastidiously would definitely make it all but a certainty!

No it's not. I wish this myth would die the death it deserves. https://www.sciencenews.org/blog/gory-details/urine-not-sterile-and-neither-rest-you

I love these posts about step parents. You must never ever ever even THINK about feeling angry or frustrated with a step child because it means your heart is made from stone, you hate them and you should get divorced and never even look at a man with children again just in case. Obviously if you’re a parent you can do and feel whatever you like because everyone has bad days hun x

Not washing hands isn’t ideal. But I think your reaction is quite unkind. Poor kid

This makes zero sense.

Perfect illustration of why people need to wash their hands after using the loo.

No excuse for not washing hands after using the toilet. Kids should be doing that as toddlers. Have either of you had a quiet word with her and asked why she doesn’t do it?

However, it’s your DP’s responsibility as her parent to speak to her about it. IMHO a parent’s partner shouldn’t get angry with their child or teenager. Just like a friend’s parent or aunty shouldn’t. Looking it from the kid’s pov, it’s v uncomfortable. It’s bad enough being yelled at by a parent - parents should be able to talk to you about stuff without yelling. But they’re a parent. There’s a big difference.

I suggest having a very serious chat with your DP when their daughter isn’t around to overhear and say they need to sort it out as her parent.

Oh for goodness sake urine isn't sterile. Why on earth would it be?

Of course it's not unreasonable to ask her to wash her hands.

It is massively unreasonable to "absolutely loose your rag" at her and have a "meltdown" at the poor kid.

Personally I think you are unreasonable in how you are thinking on this and judging this. You can’t possibly be blaming 1 child for all family illnesses. A lot of viruses are incredibly hard to stop spreading in a house - think Covid!
Yes she should wash her hands and improve her hygiene but she needs gentle encouragement not shaming and blaming. You don’t say why she is living with you but it’s unusual not to be living with a mum so there must be some back story. But even if no back story, teenagers are selfish, smelly, gross creatures but our job as parents is to gently nudge them to adulthood rather than treat them with horror. Be glad you don’t have teenage boys - you’d be lucky if they flushed toilet at that age! They need constant gentle reminders.

YANBU. She’s not washing her hands and then touching door knobs etc which then become contaminated ready for you to touch. It’s gross and completely unnecessary.

Shouting probably didn’t help, but really she is 13, not 2. Her father needs to sort it out pronto.

Exactly. She should be washing her hands and looking after her hygiene, but I’d say it’s a parents job to be antibacing the bathroom and toilet, not a poorly 13 year old’s.

the great unwashed’ - they walk among us

Given germs and propelled in a plume of air after each flush of the toilet - yeah you are exposed and need to wash your hands

Handwashing is the main protection against germs being spread in any hospital setting

Its people like you that think they k ow better put others at risk - enjoy your flu season

The dettol thing was harsh. When one of our kids are ill we just spray everything ourselves. Also you need to be on it with handwashing to avoid catching it.

OP I don’t think what you did was unreasonable. Am sure you have calmly told her before about hygiene and hand washing? Do for her to dismiss it is lazy. She’s 13 not a toddler

Never, never call a young teenager disgusting.

They often are but that horrible, harsh, critical parent voice will stay in their head for the rest of their lives.

That poor girl, her life has been turned upside down and she is living in a house with someone who despises her.

I’m a stepmum and there’s no blinking way I would expect a 13yo to dettol the toilet. I’d see that as my / my partner's job.

OP a couple of things, I understand you are angry but reading your description of her, poor hygiene/messy etc could either be describing most teens or also an ND teen. My DD16 still struggles with hygiene and she is AuDHD.

YANBU to expect her to wash her hands
YABU for screaming at her about it.

The lax attitude to personal hygiene on here is frightening. If you don’t shower, OK, you just smell and people will just avoid you but toilet hygiene affects others. To those saying “It’s just a tummy bug”, these are vile and disruptive at the best of times but can be very serious for some people (my son had to be hospitalised with stomach bugs due to a bowel condition). I decided there was a special place in hell for people who knew this but still visited us with stomach bugs!

Washing hands after the loo is just basic, basic personal hygiene. Why wouldn’t you??

Not unreasonable to tell her to wash her hands but completely unreasonable to shout and ‘absolutely lose your rag’ over it.

Stomach bugs seems to spread even with good hygiene.

Are you prone to shouting and overreacting?

@DonnyBurrito I think the hand washing is more to clean your hands after you touch surfaces that are likely to have traces of faeces and other stuff on them. Toilet lids, flush handle etc ...

Maybe if you were peeing in the woods not washing your hands might not be too bad but if using a toilet you should.

so I’ve left the dettol spray, bleach and brush by the side of the toilet and told her to use them each time she uses the bathroom.

What? When she's ill? I wouldn't be cleaning out the toilet like this every time I used it when I wasn't feeling well.

DSD is currently living with us full time for reasons I won’t go into.
Those reasons matter. Obviously you don't need to share them here. But her childhood experiences are going to impact her behaviour

She has notoriously bad hygiene practices
Is it possible she's a victim of SA?

Yes she could be a lazy teen who has lived a charmed life with a loving attentive mum and now has chosen to spend some time with dad. In which case sure tell her off.

Or she's had a rotten childhood, homelife is a mess, shit has hit the fan and her mum's abandoned her. She's emotionaly vulnerable and mentally unwell. Her dad's is the only place she can go to. She's now miles away from her friends, needs to change schools. And you've just yelled at her for something that in her world seems incredibly petty

Or something in between those extremes.

If repeated telling has had no effect I don’t blame you for shouting. Maybe the message will sink in before she causes harm to another person.

It’s not a trivial issue.

OP I'm not being funny but the fact that you caught it sort of begs the question - have you been washing your own hands?