To have absolutely lost my rag at DP and DSD(13)?

[Autumnbreeze84]

Evening all - hoping I can gauge how unreasonable (or not!) my meltdown earlier was…

To cut a very long story short - DSD is currently living with us full time for reasons I won’t go into. She has notoriously bad hygiene practices, including not showering for days, not washing her hands after using the bathroom and just leaving things spilled anywhere / everywhere around the house.

Last week, she picked up some kind of stomach bug, so I’ve left the dettol spray, bleach and brush by the side of the toilet and told her to use them each time she uses the bathroom. Cut to end of last week, both myself and DP came down with said bug.

This afternoon, after a long day at work, I come upstairs to plug my phone in and hear DSD flush the toilet and immediately walk out of the bathroom to her room. No hand washing at all. I bolted out of the room and shouted at both her and DP that this is exactly the reason why we keep getting poorly (we have caught numerous bugs from her in the past) and it’s absolutely disgusting that at 13 she still doesn’t know or is too lazy to wash her hands after using the toilet.

AIBU?!?! I thought hand washing was the most basic of basic practices - and I always make sure there is hand soap and a clean towel in the bathroom available to use!

You don't like her.
You resent her being there.
And she will know.
Many young people have similar issues at this age, yes it is annoying but not the end of the world.
Now write another post including all her positives, remembering she is 13 years old and no longer living in her own home. She needs love and understanding, stability and security, not mass hysteria over not washing hands.

obviously losing your rag is not ideal but its done now and its not the end of the world.
You nee to get her dad to sort this
Yes it's grim BUT if she was mostly brought up elswhere she isn't going to get better habits overnight.

I think you all need to have a calm family discussion about what is and is not acceptable in the family home.

In the case of the recent bug however, I think you probably would have got it anyway regardless of her handwashing .

I hope this DC receives professional support from a psychologist or psychiatrist, doubt it, sounds like she is the victim of 3 useless adults who are ignorant.
Sensory processing disorder makes it difficult to wash, try a bubble bath, something stimulating.
I feel very sad for this poor confused insecure child, she was shamed, not guided.
BTW all DC bring home bugs, even the clean ones.

The poor child sounds like she has had a disruptive childhood and then comes to live with someone who cares more about spraying dettol than about the child’s health.
Shouting at her will not achieve any change and will most likely make her sullen and withdrawn.

Look up 3 part messages and try to frame any concerns within that format.

i think you should apologise to her for shouting and explain that you can see she has come from a background where handwashing is not the norm and that it may take some getting used to ( put it in neutral terms) but in your household you place importance on handwashing and you would really appreciate if she would respect that and follow suit.

Germs pass immediately through toilet paper. You might not care about your own germs, which is fair enough, but other people don’t want your gash germs spread everywhere that you touch.

Also, you’ll have pressed the flush, which someone (including you) who has had a shit will have pressed, so you now have their/your fecal germs on your hands. Just wash your hands 🤷🏻‍♀️

News just in " piss is sterile" debunked by modern day science.

This is an urban myth.

And actually, the thought was it remained sterile in the bladder (again debunked) but once on the way out it's instantly contaminated.

I think the OP has glossed over the real issue. IME mothers who don't have their children living with them at all almost always have serious issues - addiction, severe mental health issues, dangerous partners they won't get rid of, neglect or abuse of children resulting from one or all of the above. Now it's possible this isn't the case and OP can enlighten us further, but till she does I'm going to assume the DSD has experienced genuine trauma.

Could she have ADHD? The inability to use executive functioning to ensure correct routines is a common ADHD trait, especially if the other parent has never imposed those routines (and is possibly therefore the ADHD gene carrier). You can tell her but until her executive functioning switches in and her brain makes her do it, she will continue in this way. It’s almost like there is a voice in her head saying something to excuse the correct process, eg, “you don’t need to wash your hands. There are no germs on them as you didn’t touch the toilet seat” etc etc

I doubt you could have avoided catching the bug from her tbh. That said, she needs to get her hygiene habits in order and I don’t blame you for losing it with her, I wouldn’t want someone that grubby using my bathroom.

Ugh, get rid of them both. Is it your house?

After this thread and the one where a man whose bum smells so much he leaves a stink behind on the sofa, I never want to eat out again.

It really isn't sterile when it leaves the body.

And then you go on to possibly share a keyboard - well confirmed to be the dirtiest part of an office.

You have a DP problem not a DSD problem.

He is her parent, why is he not parenting.

move out, or kick them out.
I wouldn't live with that kind of disgusting behaviour.

After spending time in Korea & Japan, we all now adopt their practice of using a hygeine spray on the seat/bowl-rim after every use. It's great.

As a stepmother who has also had a dsd come love suddenly at ours full time, I know too well the absolute stress and strain you will likely be under. The urge to control everything and feeling at the edge of your tether is inevitable. But you do have to remember this is a child, barely into her teens, who has been removed from her mum and probably (given that her parents broke up) dealing with other traumas too. Making her clean up the toilet after herself when dealing with a gastric bug is a bit cruel honestly. Handwashing needs to be encouraged but shouting isn’t going to make her do what you want her to do - getting her to understand the logic behind keeping hygienic and fresh and wanting that for herself is a better way to achieve the desired outcome. Perhaps there is also room on your part to relax rules a little, given that her not washing hands after every wee probably won’t make you all sick.

You also need to accept that however clean and hygienic you and your kids are, the larger social mixing that comes from being at at travelling to school, combined with the social
mixing at yours and DH workplace/commute will bring more illnesses into the home.

In the meantime I highly recommend you to find a way to process this change in your living arrangements away from the family unit, so you can be the best person possible for your stepchild and maintain your marriage. I know all this is terribly difficult but what will happen if you don’t find healthy ways of coping is that your stepchild will be hugely damaged down the line and irreparable harm will come to your marriage.

As a stepmother who has also had a dsd come love suddenly at ours full time, I know too well the absolute stress and strain you will likely be under. The urge to control everything and feeling at the edge of your tether is inevitable. But you do have to remember this is a child, barely into her teens, who has been removed from her mum and probably (given that her parents broke up) dealing with other traumas too. Making her clean up the toilet after herself when dealing with a gastric bug is a bit cruel honestly. Handwashing needs to be encouraged but shouting isn’t going to make her do what you want her to do - getting her to understand the logic behind keeping hygienic and fresh and wanting that for herself is a better way to achieve the desired outcome. Perhaps there is also room on your part to relax rules a little, given that her not washing hands after every wee probably won’t make you all sick.

You also need to accept that however clean and hygienic you and your kids are, the larger social mixing that comes from being at at travelling to school, combined with the social
mixing at yours and DH workplace/commute will bring more illnesses into the home.

In the meantime I highly recommend you to find a way to process this change in your living arrangements away from the family unit, so you can be the best person possible for your stepchild and maintain your marriage. I know all this is terribly difficult but what will happen if you don’t find healthy ways of coping is that your stepchild will be hugely damaged down the line and irreparable harm will come to your marriage.

As a stepmother who has also had a dsd come live suddenly at ours full time, I know too well the absolute stress and strain you will likely be under. The urge to control everything and feeling at the edge of your tether is inevitable. But you do have to remember this is a child, barely into her teens, who has been removed from her mum and probably (given that her parents broke up) dealing with other traumas too. Making her clean up the toilet after herself when dealing with a gastric bug is a bit cruel honestly. Handwashing needs to be encouraged but shouting isn’t going to make her do what you want her to do - getting her to understand the logic behind keeping hygienic and fresh and wanting that for herself is a better way to achieve the desired outcome. Perhaps there is also room on your part to relax rules a little, given that her not washing hands after every wee probably won’t make you all sick.

You also need to accept that however clean and hygienic you and your kids are, the larger social mixing that comes from being at at travelling to school, combined with the social
mixing at yours and DH workplace/commute will bring more illnesses into the home.

In the meantime I highly recommend you to find a way to process this change in your living arrangements away from the family unit, so you can be the best person possible for your stepchild and maintain your marriage. I know all this is terribly difficult but what will happen if you don’t find healthy ways of coping is that your stepchild will be hugely damaged down the line and irreparable harm will come to your marriage.

Sorry to have posted that a million times! Phone glitch.

It's not. That's a myth. It's sterile while it's in your body. But the moment you've expelled it from your bladder, it stops being sterile and bacteria start to breed in it.

I'm pretty relaxed about hygiene, to be honest. But yeah, wash your hands after a piss.

Asking her to Dettol the toilet was probably a bit much

But why? Because you think it's unnecessary or because you think she should have to do it?

Meh uphill battle with my 12, 14, 16 year olds

You’re a horrible person.

You’re not her mother. I think it’s horrifying that you were so aggressive to her.

Yes, tbh shouting at a 13 year old who sounds a bit depressed is not ok. Of course she should be asked to wash her hands. 'Losing your rag' is not on though, and will not help the situation.

And calling a child 'disgusting' and that they are the reason for illness when they are already obviously down is likely to be very damaging. I would go in with a full apology for your behaviour and quietly talk about hygiene in a non-blaming way (or get your DH to do this).