To have absolutely lost my rag at DP and DSD(13)?

[Autumnbreeze84]

Evening all - hoping I can gauge how unreasonable (or not!) my meltdown earlier was…

To cut a very long story short - DSD is currently living with us full time for reasons I won’t go into. She has notoriously bad hygiene practices, including not showering for days, not washing her hands after using the bathroom and just leaving things spilled anywhere / everywhere around the house.

Last week, she picked up some kind of stomach bug, so I’ve left the dettol spray, bleach and brush by the side of the toilet and told her to use them each time she uses the bathroom. Cut to end of last week, both myself and DP came down with said bug.

This afternoon, after a long day at work, I come upstairs to plug my phone in and hear DSD flush the toilet and immediately walk out of the bathroom to her room. No hand washing at all. I bolted out of the room and shouted at both her and DP that this is exactly the reason why we keep getting poorly (we have caught numerous bugs from her in the past) and it’s absolutely disgusting that at 13 she still doesn’t know or is too lazy to wash her hands after using the toilet.

AIBU?!?! I thought hand washing was the most basic of basic practices - and I always make sure there is hand soap and a clean towel in the bathroom available to use!

Why are you shouting at a 13yo and not your waste of space partner?

😲 😱 🤢 🤮

No it is not

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, it's disgusting. However she obviously hasn't been brought up to wash her hands either which is her parents fault!

Just so you know for next time, dettol doesn't kill norovirus, which the stomach bug probably was. You need bleach or a specialist cleaner like clinell

Does your DP wash his hands after using the toilet? What has he done so far to address his daughter's poor hygiene? I think my annoyance would be more directed towards him. 13 should be old enough to not need lots of prompting to wash hands and shower, but is it possible her Mum hasn't taught her these things?

I think asking her to bleach/dettol the toilet after every use is excessive. It's never occurred to me to do this, but the hand washing is obviously important.

At the point it leaves the body, not afterwards!

Yes she needs to work on her hygiene long term, but pick do your moments. She will be feeling absolutely awful if she's been vomiting continuously for 24 hours. Cut her some slack and help with clean ups. It's what I would do for my 13yo in a similar situation, and he is good for hygiene normally. If you share a house and it's a nasty bug you were probably always going to get it.

Moving on to the big picture, your DSD obviously has issues. I highly doubt she's like this just to wind you up. It might be SEN or poor MH. It might sadly be a sign of abuse ir neglect. Something has obviously happened to prevent her living with her mother even part time and it will undoubtedly have been traumatic. You seem completely uninterested in why she's like this, and it's odd how many of the responses are also uninterested. I'm actually a strict no-excuses parent of teens by MN standards and even I can see that something is up, whereas you seem incapable of seeing past the impact on impact. And I'm guessing that's revealing of your wider approach to her.

You also seem to actively dislike her, and the problem for you is that she was there first. Try and see things from her point of view - did she ask to have you in her life? Nope. Your DP almost certainly needs to step up and parent a young person with issues. You need to accept that your DP and his daughter come as a package. She will be around for the rest of his life and living with him for the foreseeable. If you can't accept that you need to seriously consider moving on.

Faecal particles are airborne, even if you close the lid before you flush, although this of course greatly reduces them.

At 39 if I had an awful stomach bug I’d hope my husband would do this for me. Minus tucking me in bed which is probs not necessary. But the care and support, yes.

Way over the top reaction - and I'm surprised only 18% of voting forumistas think YABU

@jeaux90
I agree.
My dc is adhd and his lack if interest in staying clean and smelling fresh, baffles me.
But I do think that those with ND conditions and or strong interest based nervous systems often struggle with tasks, eg, hygiene, if it's not interesting enough for them.
Also, depression can lead to a non interest in keeping clean.

It's grim, and I understand. My house is covered in grubby hand marks and dry sinks after using the loo. Of course they're sent straight back to wash hands.

I wish the OP luck, definitely have a word with her dad.

YABU to shout and lose your rag with a 13 year old. Poor child. When I was shouted at as a child I would just switch off and I’m the same now.

Just speak to her calmly. You are the adult so model good behaviour and calm communication.

Yabu to go so berserk at her. Teens don’t really change because of being ranted at - they just roll their eyes.

But, she does need to improve her hygiene. As she gets older her peers will notice more and think she’s a bit gross, as well as for avoiding bugs.
has she started her periods? She’ll probably get better at hand washing after that as toilet trips can become a bit messier.

can you also put a bottle of hand gel in there? Some people prefer that (I know it’s not the same, but as a compromise).

her dad needs to step up!

Still can't get over how almost everyone is zeroing in on germ transmission and not on the fact the kid has almost certainly had some recent major life trauma (where is the mother?). MN is so odd sometimes!

Bugs are likely to spread around a household even when everyone washes their hands frequently, you know. And many teenagers are messy. Have you had any experience of living with children before? It doesn’t sound like it.

YANBU to ask and remind her to wash her hands after every bathroom visit. YABU if you think shouting at her and trying to shame her are going to undo immediately the habits she has been allowed to develop over the past 11 or so years.
YA also BU if you blame her when bugs spread through the household. It’s what often happens with children.

It doesn’t sound as if you are making her feel welcome in your home. Poor child, especially if she’s unwell. She has suffered a lot of upheaval in her short life. I hope her father is kinder to her than you seem to be.

I imagine the reasons you won't go into are highly relevant to her development and inability to form new habits.

You don't just end up living with the other parent full time for frivolous reasons.

Bugs are usually airborne, but yanbu but yabu to shout at her. It isn’t difficult to sit her down with her dad and talk like an adult.

What's your DH done wrong?

Most men don’t wash their hands apparently

Sorry but this is rank. Of course you should wash your hands after a wee.

I would apologise for shouting but tell both of them this is a clear rule in the household

YANBU to think everyone should wash their hands after using the loo.

YABU to “bolt” out of your room and shout at her.

I also think YABU to treat her as some kind of leper when she was ill and instruct her to dettol the whole bathroom after using it. You probably would get that sort of stomach bug either way.

I didn’t vote because there are so many aspects to this, so there will be misleading results in a poll

The DC clearly hasn't been taught basic hygiene standards, shaming her won't improve this, talking to her gently and teaching her, would have been better.
That ship has sailed.
She may also have undiagnosed sensory issues that impacts hygiene and organisational skills.
Get her hand wipes.
I think yabu with your out of control response approach.

Yes she should wash her hands but to be quite frank you sound like you were looking for a reason to have a go at her. Poor kid.