Friends who never bothered with your children

[Adrinaxo]

Three children, eldest is ten and my friend has seen my children a handful of times, never really spent any time with them. She has always asked about them and supported me in other ways but now she is pregnant it is all she wants to speak about and it's very me me me. It's driving me insane and I feel very resentful. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you deal with it?

Maybe try to separate the two - the 'me me me' stuff would be annoying whether your friend had shown interest in your kids or not. With regard to that, I'd either try to gently say something to her or just hold your nerve and wait for it to calm down.
Re your kids, I'm wondering what you wanted from her that she didn't provide. I (child-free) am fairly close to some of my friends' kids but they'll be the ones I often see, so they know me and I can develop a bit of a relationship with them. With people you don't see that often it can be hard to offer much more than showing interest in their welfare, birthday cards and the like. Even with the ones you often see it can be hard to get all that involved, unless you're specifically asked to babysit or whatever.

Kids are just not that interesting until you have your own.

And based on your posts, it sounds like you aren't all that interested in her experience either, despite already having a family. Entirely fair. But maybe that will help you understand her lack of interest in yours before she was pregnant.

Friendship gets trickier to navigate when people are at different stages in the whole relationship/family process. But it all comes together again - if you both want it to, that is.

People on here don’t “hate kids” FFS.

Not wanting to entertain other people's kids doesn't equate to hating kids though.

Why do you think other people are invested in your children. Before you have children your friendship is on a different level .

I'm not keen on anyone else's children frankly , they interrupt conversation and the flow.

But I think a disparity is natural when there’s a 10 year gap. They were at totally different life stages.

Imagine that your friend got a pet, an animal that you're not particularly drawn to. You would probably only occasionally ask after her cat/ferret/giant African snail. In a few years you decide to get a similar pet and talk to her about her experience. Maybe your friend is quite self-centred. Maybe she would act the same way about learning to drive, buying a house, getting married?

Yes exactly, children or ttc or weight loss injections or new hobby if people wont stop going on about it it's an issue

That’s normal though - she didn’t have kids or any experience with them - of course she wasn’t interested!

Meh I’m not that interested in other people kids unless I know them well. Pregnancy is different than kids though as you are talking about the mum to be, not kids.

God, the modern world doesn't hate kids, are you living under a rock? It's fucking obsessed with kids and parents are now expected to be best friends with them. God forbid our friends with little kids get a babysitter now and then, instead of always showing up with two house-destroyers in tow, so we have to spend the evening watching them instead of having adult conversations. And have to have Paw Patrol on to keep them distracted, instead of nice music.

I voted YANBU because I find people irritating when they’re only interested in their own children and have no time for anyone else’s. I’ve definitely come across them.

A few years ago I had a single friend we would out drinking. Have a laugh. I asked her multiple times to do other things. She wasn't interested. Not interested in meeting my kids at all. I wanted a close friend who was part of my life, she wanted a drinking buddy.
She's had children now and wants to socialise in a different way. I have absolutely no interest.

I’ve actually been through this OP. I understand your feelings. You had children, a massive life change and you expected your best friend to take an interest in the biggest part of your life and you feel disappointed that she hasn’t. You expected days out with the kids, maybe she said she’ll be a great “auntie” to your children and after they arrived, none of that happened. You wonder why she hasn’t any interest, you’re the person that gets involved in friends news whether it be a house move, a new baby or a marriage.

Your feelings are valid!

The reality is, although your kids are the biggest part of your life. They are not to others. It is normal, although sometimes upsetting. Your friend chose to be your friend. And it sounds like from what you have said she is a good one?

Most woman who do not have children will never understand it consumes you. Even if you do have children, it doesn’t always necessarily mean you want to be part of your friends kids lives. Your friend is now pregnant and she is now living in it. She is consumed by the thought of her child, it has now become her world and she will now understand how big of a deal this is.

Perhaps she had other issues going on, infertility, losses etc that made her pull back. Perhaps she just had a lot going on in this crazy life and only had the energy to be a good friend.

I would give her grace. If you want to be there for her now she’s having a child, be there. If you want to pull back and be angry, do that. But I promise it doesn’t make you feel any better.

Other people’s kids / grandkids are just not interesting!! It’s like listening to someone else’s dreams or seeing their holiday photos

( I say this as a proud grandparent who will bore anyone with photos of my grandson!)

I think this is a hard thing in many friendships because you're entering different life stages at very different times and naturally there will be a difference in interest/ connection with that change/ level of understanding. I think it's really hard to be one of the first to have kids because I don't think a lot of other people fully "get it" until they are in that stage themselves. So I think there's something about accepting that you were in very different places in life for a while and 10 years is a long time for a person to grow and change in.

I'll also be the first to say that while I really like kids and try to make a lot of effort, noone else's child interests me as much as ds does and tbh him coming along compounded that. He gets a lot of my energy so I don't have much leftover

None of my friends with children are particularly interested in my children nor I in theres.

Don’t get me wrong we are interested in their progress and achievements but we are not always gushing about them by any means.

If your friend expects you to do differently than she did I would have an issue with that but if she is just discussing her normal life issues now about pregnancy then I don’t see the issue.

Is there still equal space for both of you in the relationship then go right ahead? If she is dominating the space then spend less time either way her.

And when they do talk to you it is in that parent baby voice they put on, not all but some parents are incapable of anything non children related at all its incredibly boring

Now it's you twisting what people are saying.

I don't see people hating children. I do see people who felt much more of a connection/bond with their own children than with other people's. That's natural and as it should be. Totally.

I wasn't automatically interested in other people's children beyond polite conversation asking how they were etc. Then I had my own and I was of course interested in them. They were the greatest thing since sliced bread. I didn't expect loads of involvement from other people though if they weren't close family.

What you describe is natural and a non-issue. Don't sour a friendship over it. Your friend now has some common ground with you that wasn't there before. Let her draw on your experience (hers will vary anyway, you know that) and perhaps the friendship will become more enriched. If you let it, that is.

I was always very concerned for the health/wellbeing of new mum friends, but I still had less than zero interest in their actual kids.

It's fine not to be interested in other people's children. But to not be interested in theirs and yet expect them to be interested in yours is selfish.

If the kids were born at the same time I’d agree, but not when there’s a ten year age gap between them.

Why not? Why is the onus on OP to show interest?

I really object to these “I must be the only nice person around here” posts. I very much doubt that many people on the Mumsnet website hates kids. You say you’re interested in children, but it sounds like you resent your friend’s pregnancy 🤷🏻‍♀️. Do you just like it better when things are about you?

I'm child-free and I have no interest in my friends' children. Maybe a bit more when they get to their teens and can hold a normal conversation.

None of them took offence. In most cases they had no expectation that I'd be interested in their babies or toddlers as I had spent the best part of the previous decade laying the groundwork for that. I was the one they came to when they wanted a big night out or an adult conversation where they could escape the drudgery of parenthood (I was told this very firmly several times). Very happy to play that role.