Friends who never bothered with your children

[Adrinaxo]

Three children, eldest is ten and my friend has seen my children a handful of times, never really spent any time with them. She has always asked about them and supported me in other ways but now she is pregnant it is all she wants to speak about and it's very me me me. It's driving me insane and I feel very resentful. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you deal with it?

I can see why that's annoying tbh. I think I would try to change the subject if she talks too much about her pregnancy/baby. I suppose she may start to take a bit more of an interest in your kids once she's a Mum, so I'd wait and see how that goes.

I’ve always been the one without children in my friend group. I always asked about my friends kids but didn’t take an active interest in their lives- my friends would talk about they wanted to share anyway. I was always aware that as I didn’t have kids I actually could only provide a listening ear and limited/ no advice as I have no experience of kids - I didn’t want to upset my friends by giving bad advice or coming across as ignorant and not getting how hard it is to raise kids by spurting stuff I’d found on google - so maybe your friend has taken that approach. Maybe take it as a compliment that your friend is asking you for advice- she wouldn’t be asking if she didn’t think you were a good mum and you’d raised good kids!

I have no particular interest in spending time with other people’s children. I will be polite of course and engage if they want to but beyond that, nope. They are not my friend and I am not theirs.

I would happily spend time with a friend talking about her pregnancy or how she is finding motherhood, because that is spending time with and talking about my friend, rather than her kids.

I think spending time with a friend’s children is totally different from spending time with the friend, talking about children.

I think it's hard to "get" parenting until you become one yourself.

And so many women behave like they're the first woman in the history of the known world to carry a child. It's normal, and they do get over it eventually.

100%

I think this is a very common experience. I was first of my gang, first of Dhs friends and first of both families. I remember friends fawning over the baby for 5 mins then expecting him to sleep on request when they wanted a chat. One friend booked a table at a place that had no buggy access cos she 'forgot' even though she was only meeting me and baby. Another couldn't understand why anyone needed maternity leave when WFH because babies sleep all day anyway. It was infuriating and isolating but I had to just suck it up. I expect I was equally clueless when I was younger. The upside is I'm really enjoying life now while they still have babysitters and bedtime routines and I suspect they envy my current life. It all comes around.

I get it OP, your friend has never shown much interest in your children or your role as a mother, but now wants to talk about her child non-stop. I think when she has the baby it will continue and she still won’t want to be with your children either. Yet she will likely only talk about her own and you’ll expect to dote on her baby

It can be difficult to navigate friendships when you are the one without kids, especially if that's because you have not found a partner or are dealing with infertility or miscarriages. I had a longer road to motherhood than a lot of my friendship group so there were times when I distanced myself from child-focused gatherings because it was simply too awkward. I have my DS now but I don't expect anyone to go gaga over him, especially if they are well past the baby/toddler stage themselves (although I'm always in the market for tips and tricks from more seasoned mums!)

Also as posters such as @BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop (love your username btw!) and @JNicholson have said up thread, it can be really difficult to decipher mums' expectations about how you should behave around them and their babies. One friend clearly stated that any form of touch or physical contact with her two year old was off limits from other adults. I am totally happy to respect that boundary, but it's harder when your mate has asked you to watch the kiddo while she goes to the toilet in the cafe and the little fellow runs off or climbs up your leg...erm... What do I do? Or I had another friend who was genuinely put out if I even so much as mentioned anything challenging going on in my life or anything interesting I was doing (so frivolous!) because it was all clearly very trivial to her compared with the enormity of motherhood.

that said, I have always tried to show an interest in other people's kids, be accomodating when planning social events, buy thoughtful gift etc. I do see why you are a bit put out, OP.

BUT... Having seen this from both sides, it can be a minefield

I’m always surprised to read on here that people don’t seem interested in their friends children. I love my friends so their children have always been very important to me. I feel fortunate that my friends feel the same about my children. I was one of the first to have children in my friendship group and my friends were like extra mums to them. We’ve all been like that to each others children and have remained close with them over the years.

@Adrinaxo I had it the other way round of your situation, but I can relate to you feeling hurt.
My long standing closest friend had twins in our late 20s. We'd been best friends since uni. I gave her so much support all the way from newborn babies through toddler years into childhood. I visited frequently, helped with practical things whilst visiting, took her babies out for walks in their pram to give her a rest at home, as they got older I took them for days out, I always made sure I remembered their birthdays and bought them thoughtful birthday presents every year, and presents every Christmas, I listened to her when she was struggling with parenting and although I wasn't a parent myself I was still able to listen, care and support. I made sure I invested in her children as much as I invested in her, because I saw her DC as part of her, and I made sure to consider them and include them in every social arrangement we made together. She would ask me to babysit when she returned to work if she was stuck for childcare, and if I could I did (I worked full time so admittedly couldn't always, but if I could I did), she asked me to commit to a swimming course when they were 6 months old as she needed 2 adults for each baby and the swim course was at a time when her DH worked, so I did it with her and it was a 1 hour 30 minute round trip drive for me plus giving up my free time. But I did it because she asked and I wanted to support her. Alongside this, I also still saw her on a 1:1 basis which was instigated by her as she said it was important to her to see her friends for evenings out without her DC being there.
Fast forward 12 years, at which point I was still seeing her 12 year old twins regularly, I always made sure to chat with them and engage with them as they grew older - I had a lovely relationship with them, and I was continuing to treat them on their birthdays and at Christmas. And then I had my first baby, followed 18 months later by my second, when her DC were 12/13.
Naively, I assumed her level of interest and input to my DC would be the same as I'd given to hers. But I received zero interest from her. Nothing. No congratulations on your new baby card (I had cards from everyone else, but not her). No input. No thoughtfulness. Barely any visits at all. And on the rare occasion she did visit when they were babies, she would lecture me sternly about how I must stop picking them up to comfort them if they're crying. Then she'd tell me I had gained weight. I'll never forget saying to her "My work colleagues are texting to ask to see me and meet my baby, but I feel a bit nervous about seeing them, I don't know why it's making me feel nervous though". In hindsight, I was nervous because I was feeling fragile after a traumatic emergency birth and I was in a lot of pain post-emergency Csection infection. Her direct reply to me was "Well you do look an awful lot heavier now you know, and your colleagues will notice that, so I expect that's why you're nervous about them seeing you". Then she'd talk all about her life and then look at her watch and swiftly leave. Then she never bothered visiting them anymore.
My DC are early teens now, and in their whole lifetime they have never received one birthday card from her, nor one birthday present from her, nothing at Christmas from her, ever. Not as babies or children. My eldest vaguely remembers her if my DH makes reference to her in conversation, and my youngest has no idea who she is. Because she has literally put zero effort into ever seeing them or showing any sign of interest in them.
So although it's a different situation to yours, I really understand how you feel.
My friend's non interest in my DC really hurt my feelings after I'd been so involved in her DC, and it has really broken down my feelings towards her. I've stepped right back from her and my feelings towards her changed a lot.

@Helena2000 that's awful, just not good enough.

@Helena2000 that is absolutely awful what a complete user

Honestly it sounds like she had a totally normal degree of engagement with your kids for someone without their own. I wouldn't really expect anything beyond general engagement and support and being aware my kids exist from a friend really.

Or I had another friend who was genuinely put out if I even so much as mentioned anything challenging going on in my life or anything interesting I was doing (so frivolous!) because it was all clearly very trivial to her compared with the enormity of motherhood.

Those types of mothers are the worst.

I certainly didn't want to spend time with other people's children before I had my son and to be honest I wasn't that keen after I had him either. The only difference was that I "understood" more.

Looking back, I Realise I did this with a couple of my friends. They had babies when we were around 20 and their world was just so different to mine that I very rarely saw their kids and, I imagine, didn’t ask many questions or pay any interest. I was just going out drinking and they were settling down and it was worlds apart.

I had kids 7 years later and probably did ask them some questions about what to do etc.

I suppose it was a bit shitty of me, but it didn’t enter my head at the time.

I wonder if it’s a similar situation?

I wouldn’t take it personally.

I had it the other way round. Our friends had a child and we were very mindful to go out to child friendly places when we met them, visited them at home when they couldn't get out. Then, when our first DC came along a few years later they didn't want to go to child friendly places as their DC was old enough to be left with family. Didn't visit us at home much either. I ended up phasing them out.

I don't think you mentioned your ages, but that your eldest is now 10 so putting a decade between your first and hers... point being, I think it's difficult for friendships not to get a bit lopsided when people have kids so far apart. And lopsided in either direction... the later mum likely won't fully understand what the earlier mum was experiencing. Similarly, the earlier mums often have moved on to later stages of parenting and aren't that bothered about revisiting the baby phase. It's tricky to navigate and I guess the value of the friendship to you will determine whether the current mismatch is worth navigating for you? Nobody side has necessarily done anything wrong.

It's a bit like colleagues who talk incessantly about their child and ask nothing about yours. Some people do become more child orientated when pregnant though so your friend might develop more of an interest with your children. I don't really get it as I have always loved children even before I had my ds but everybody is different.

I don’t see a problem really. I have no interest in my friends pets. If I decided to get a pet I’d ask them for advice and share common experiences. But until that day I am unlikely to enquire after their pets.