Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who never bothered with your children

95 replies

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:45

Three children, eldest is ten and my friend has seen my children a handful of times, never really spent any time with them. She has always asked about them and supported me in other ways but now she is pregnant it is all she wants to speak about and it's very me me me. It's driving me insane and I feel very resentful. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
GleisZwei · 02/09/2025 07:59

She's asking for advice because she's going through something you've already experienced - that's quite common.
I'm not sure what you expected her to do with/for your kids though.

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:00

Perhaps she thought you were a bit ‘me, me, me’ when you were pregnant? From her perspective you may have seemed just as she is now.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/09/2025 08:00

I don’t blame you OP, I’d be annoyed. A good friend shows interest in their friends lives, I’m not single I don’t travel as much as my friends and yet I can still be interested in them and what they do, like they take an interest in my children. I’d probably drop the line that you’re past that stage now to try and shut down her endless baby talk.

Fuckish · 02/09/2025 08:02

SumUp · 02/09/2025 07:11

I foolishly holidayed with my two kids (3 yo and a 6 month baby) and a friend plus boyfriend who didn’t have children yet. She’s lovely and usually very empathic (she’s a counsellor in RL), but absolutely insisted on a a place that was beautiful but with nothing for a mum with small kids to do whilst the rest of the party were hiking. Once she had her own children she apologised profusely for her lack of thought.

I would roll with it and try to calm your irritation if you value your friendship. She will come to realise and possibly feel quite embarrassed.

But presumably you could have ‘insisted’ on going somewhere else?

Original poster
Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:08

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:00

Perhaps she thought you were a bit ‘me, me, me’ when you were pregnant? From her perspective you may have seemed just as she is now.

No, I feel like I've never been able to speak about my pregnancy or experiences. When I say asked about the children it would be once in a blue moon.
So we've gone from one extreme to another. And again, it's talking about her pregnancy mostly not really questions towards my experience.
There wasn't really a celebration I felt for mine but now it's the demand of a lavish baby shower for hers etc so this is why I feel the way I do.

OP posts:
Fuckish · 02/09/2025 08:14

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:08

No, I feel like I've never been able to speak about my pregnancy or experiences. When I say asked about the children it would be once in a blue moon.
So we've gone from one extreme to another. And again, it's talking about her pregnancy mostly not really questions towards my experience.
There wasn't really a celebration I felt for mine but now it's the demand of a lavish baby shower for hers etc so this is why I feel the way I do.

Show quote history

This sounds a bit like posts from people who get very cross that people don’t ask them about themselves and show a flattering interest in what they then say.

If you want to talk about yourself and your interests/travels/house renovations/children, just do it. No one needs to give you permission. And if you wanted a baby shower, why not have one? Are you really suggesting that because you didn’t have a baby shower, she shouldn’t have one either? Are you that starved for attention and presents?

nomas · 02/09/2025 08:14

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:08

No, I feel like I've never been able to speak about my pregnancy or experiences. When I say asked about the children it would be once in a blue moon.
So we've gone from one extreme to another. And again, it's talking about her pregnancy mostly not really questions towards my experience.
There wasn't really a celebration I felt for mine but now it's the demand of a lavish baby shower for hers etc so this is why I feel the way I do.

Show quote history

Is she demanding you throw her a baby shower?

Tell her with 3 kids you don’t have the time. Does she have a mum, dad, relatives?

PollyBell · 02/09/2025 08:16

Why would any adult want to be with other peoples children? And why do people think others want to hear all about someone elses pregnancy and baby's?

I dont mean grandparents very close relatives who have vested interest in each child but friends of adults

JNicholson · 02/09/2025 08:16

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 02/09/2025 06:51

What did you actually want her to do? One of the things I’ve found very difficult about having friend with children is the differing expectations of different sets of parents, and hearing them speak about other people who don’t meet or overstep those expectations. It can feel like a bit of a tightrope trying to get it right.
If she’s always asked after them and supported you it doesn’t sound like she’s been a bad friend, just a bit clueless.

This x 1000. If you read some of the posts on here there’s a huge variation, some new mums really want to be left alone with baby, don’t want anyone to visit their newborn till they’re 35 (exaggerating slightly) and get hugely stressed out at the idea of it, others would be really hurt and upset if people didn’t come to visit. To give just one example. Not saying that either of those hypothetical mums is being unreasonable, just that people can’t read your mind, and as with everything in life you need to communicate what you would like rather than just expecting people to know and then simmering in resentment when they don’t provide it.

CeciliaDuckiePond · 02/09/2025 08:17

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:08

No, I feel like I've never been able to speak about my pregnancy or experiences. When I say asked about the children it would be once in a blue moon.
So we've gone from one extreme to another. And again, it's talking about her pregnancy mostly not really questions towards my experience.
There wasn't really a celebration I felt for mine but now it's the demand of a lavish baby shower for hers etc so this is why I feel the way I do.

Show quote history

The Baby Shower is something of a drip-feed, OP 😃

Original poster
Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:17

People are really taking this the wrong way and twisting things. Maybe I am the minority in that if my best friend of 30 years has a baby, I would love to be a part of their lives. Gosh. No wonder we live in the world we do now. Full of people that hate kids! Wow.

OP posts:
Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 02/09/2025 08:19

I think this is normal. Other people’s kids are never as interesting as your own and always a bit more annoying until you’re older and wiser and can enjoy them all for just being children but then time has passed and there will be those you have missed out on. Just how life is I guess.

Fuckish · 02/09/2025 08:21

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:17

People are really taking this the wrong way and twisting things. Maybe I am the minority in that if my best friend of 30 years has a baby, I would love to be a part of their lives. Gosh. No wonder we live in the world we do now. Full of people that hate kids! Wow.

But that’s not what you’re saying.

You’re saying ‘She never let me talk about mine! Now she expects me to talk non-stop about her pregnancy! Waah! Self-pity!’

PollyBell · 02/09/2025 08:22

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:17

People are really taking this the wrong way and twisting things. Maybe I am the minority in that if my best friend of 30 years has a baby, I would love to be a part of their lives. Gosh. No wonder we live in the world we do now. Full of people that hate kids! Wow.

I dont see children hating, but i dont see the obsession over being upset over friends not wanting to be with children either, again unless closely related

Sure i will ask generally how someone's pregnancy is but no I dont want to hear about their pregnancy as the only thing they ever talk about nor daily updates of every single tiny aspect

I have never had expectations with other people over my child ever

CeciliaDuckiePond · 02/09/2025 08:22

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:17

People are really taking this the wrong way and twisting things. Maybe I am the minority in that if my best friend of 30 years has a baby, I would love to be a part of their lives. Gosh. No wonder we live in the world we do now. Full of people that hate kids! Wow.

I don't think anyone 'hates kids'. I'm always interested if a friend/colleague has a baby, to the extent of seeing a photo or meeting the baby, and asking after people's babies/children in conversation. I find it interesting to hear how babies/children are being brought up in 2025, in comparison to when I was young in the 70s/80s - but I wouldn't want to spend extended time with a friend's DC because I wouldn't really have anything to contribute and I'd feel out of place in a child-centred space.

IDreamOfElectricSheep · 02/09/2025 08:30

Have your own boundaries. If you don’t want to spend time with her kid then don’t. There’s nothing wrong with saying “let’s have a kid free evening out” or keep it similar to how it was with you when your were young.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 02/09/2025 08:30

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 08:17

People are really taking this the wrong way and twisting things. Maybe I am the minority in that if my best friend of 30 years has a baby, I would love to be a part of their lives. Gosh. No wonder we live in the world we do now. Full of people that hate kids! Wow.

Where has anyone said they hate kids?

Most people are just not that interested in someone else’s offspring - for me, kids are noisy, messy and a massive tie - I have absolutely no interest in spending time with them regardless of who they belong to.

SumUp · 02/09/2025 08:34

Fuckish · 02/09/2025 08:02

But presumably you could have ‘insisted’ on going somewhere else?

Show quote history

Well yes, it is easy to say in hindsight isn’t it? The holiday was booked before my second was born so I didn’t appreciate how it would be with 2 or how remote the place was.

Anyway, the OP will find a way forward if she values the friendship. We did.

35965a · 02/09/2025 08:36

I find some of the replies here a bit odd. I get where you’re coming from OP. For 10 years you’ve had to be the ‘non baby bore’ friend with kids, continuing your friendship with her as if you don’t have kids. You’ve barely been able to bring them up with her, even. Now she’s pregnant you’re expected to be the fawning excited friend which is hurtful. It’s made you realise how selfish your friend is. It’s OK to step back a bit and not be involved with baby stuff with her.

LondonTraveller · 02/09/2025 08:40

If your friend is the same age and your child is 10, perhaps she was struggling with fertility issues. Being around children may have been difficult for her.

DaisyChain505 · 02/09/2025 08:43

I am friends with my friends because I like them and like to spend time with them. I don’t particularly like spending time with children and that includes theirs. Just because they’re my friends it doesn’t mean I automatically like being around their children.

I will ask all the right questions, show interest and say happy birthday etc but that doesn’t mean I want to play Mary Poppins everytime I see her.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 02/09/2025 08:43

35965a · 02/09/2025 08:36

I find some of the replies here a bit odd. I get where you’re coming from OP. For 10 years you’ve had to be the ‘non baby bore’ friend with kids, continuing your friendship with her as if you don’t have kids. You’ve barely been able to bring them up with her, even. Now she’s pregnant you’re expected to be the fawning excited friend which is hurtful. It’s made you realise how selfish your friend is. It’s OK to step back a bit and not be involved with baby stuff with her.

I’m not sure it’s selfish - most people just aren’t that interested in other people’s children, especially when they don’t have any themselves.

35965a · 02/09/2025 08:47

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 02/09/2025 08:43

I’m not sure it’s selfish - most people just aren’t that interested in other people’s children, especially when they don’t have any themselves.

Show quote history

I do agree, maybe selfish is not the correct word, I think the issue OP is having is that now she is expected to be really interested in her friend’s kids. If her friend wasn’t arsed about OPs kids and now didn’t expect OP to be excited and into her child then I don’t think there would be an issue. It’s the disparity

Sharptonguedwoman · 02/09/2025 08:47

'Why would she spend time with your children? She’s your friend not theirs'.
This really. I want nothing but the best for my friend's children I am friends with their parents, not them.

hmmnotreallysure · 02/09/2025 08:52

I would feel a bit annoyed that that too op, I would also mirror the enthusiasm that she gave to you, she can't have it all her own way.

Swipe left for the next trending thread