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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who never bothered with your children

95 replies

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:45

Three children, eldest is ten and my friend has seen my children a handful of times, never really spent any time with them. She has always asked about them and supported me in other ways but now she is pregnant it is all she wants to speak about and it's very me me me. It's driving me insane and I feel very resentful. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
GreenAndWhiteStripes · 02/09/2025 06:48

When you had kids and she didn't, would she have liked to be in your position? It can be hard spending lots of time with your friend's children if you're worried about meeting the right person or struggling with your fertility.

stillhiding1990 · 02/09/2025 06:48

Surely you can see why she is asking for advice / guidance now she is pregnant? Why can’t you just answer her questions since you’ve experienced it?

Original poster
Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:49

Possibly, it's not really questions as such it's more the interest that I never had I suppose.

OP posts:
Iocainepowder · 02/09/2025 06:50

Honestly I think many women may just not ‘get it’ until they are parents themselves. I became much more empathetic etc with other parents once I had my own kids, so I would personally cut her some slack.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 02/09/2025 06:51

What did you actually want her to do? One of the things I’ve found very difficult about having friend with children is the differing expectations of different sets of parents, and hearing them speak about other people who don’t meet or overstep those expectations. It can feel like a bit of a tightrope trying to get it right.
If she’s always asked after them and supported you it doesn’t sound like she’s been a bad friend, just a bit clueless.

stillhiding1990 · 02/09/2025 06:52

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:49

Possibly, it's not really questions as such it's more the interest that I never had I suppose.

That’s totally understandable though? I don’t know why you’re making a big deal out of it. Surely you would feel good to be able to bond over this and offer your experience and advice? I think it’s petty you even thought that this was an issue, sounds juvenile your side.

Original poster
Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:52

Ok thank you, I think I am being a bit sensitive by the sounds of it :)

OP posts:
bigwhitedog · 02/09/2025 06:53

I didn't know we were obligated to spend time with our friend's children. It doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong? It's not like she's ignored their existence.

stillhiding1990 · 02/09/2025 06:54

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:52

Ok thank you, I think I am being a bit sensitive by the sounds of it :)

Imagine if all the mothers who had gone through pregnancy / childbirth got the hump when their friends can now relate and wanted to discuss. Give your friend a chance to discuss and give her reassurance / support

Original poster
Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:55

I think because I see myself spending a lot of time with her child and showing more interest but again as above, it may be because I've already experienced children and I am more aware now

OP posts:
stillhiding1990 · 02/09/2025 06:56

Just like learning to drive op; how much interest would a non learner / driver take in you talking about all your lessons etc. however if in time the friend wanted to learn how to drive you would expect her to have more of a willingness to discuss now she is preparing for her test?

Snorlaxo · 02/09/2025 06:56

I think that this is common tbh.
Whether you give her a taste of her own medicine or act like you would’ve acted if the tables were turned is up to you and how much you want the friendship in your life but you could also see if she starts asking more questions or one of those people who just want to talk about their experience.

stillhiding1990 · 02/09/2025 06:57

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:55

I think because I see myself spending a lot of time with her child and showing more interest but again as above, it may be because I've already experienced children and I am more aware now

That’s not her fault though and it’s weird invisaging how much time you’ll send with your friend’s kid. Surely you’ll see the baby as often as you see the friend.

cloudtreecarpet · 02/09/2025 06:59

I think the thing is everyone is inherently quite selfish and it shows more in certain situations like this.
I know exactly what you mean and experienced it myself. The other classic is a friend who has all the time in the world for you when single then disappears off the face of the earth when they find a partner.

In most cases it's not done deliberately and it can be annoying but if you value her friendship just suck it up and offer the advice. It's nice that you now have this important life experience to share, it will probably bring you closer as friends.

CeciliaDuckiePond · 02/09/2025 07:01

Three children, eldest is ten and my friend has seen my children a handful of times, never really spent any time with them. She has always asked about them and supported me in other ways

A genuine question - not being goady - but (as someone who is childfree and in my 50s) what was your expectation of your friend before she had children? How would you have wanted her to spend time with them, given that she had no children of her own? Was it the case that you were (for example) inviting her to children's activities with them but she never wanted to come? If so, I don't really think you can blame her - childfree people feel like a spare part in such situations.

MermaidMummy06 · 02/09/2025 07:02

Before I had kids, I was in a different phase of my life & wasn't interested in children, especially all the baby chat I couldn't connect with. I did all the supportive things & attended countless kids' parties & events, but really didn't get the fuss.

It goes both ways, though. I felt a right mug after having my own DC and no one wanted to do anything with us as 'theyd passed that phase and didn't want to do that stuff any more'.

REDB99 · 02/09/2025 07:04

I have very little interest in my friend’s children, why should I? I politely ask about them but they’re not an important part of my life. Likewise I don’t care a jot in anyone asks about my DD. No one cares about your kids the way you do, no need to be precious about it.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/09/2025 07:04

Why would she spend time with your children? She’s your friend not theirs. She’s taken an interest and asked about them. I genuinely can’t see what you think she’s done wrong here.

HoratioBum · 02/09/2025 07:07

Presumably before you had children or when you were pregnant for the first time you were also asking somebody -maybe another friend as to what to do, what to expect… or did you just go through your pregnancy without asking anyone for help at all? Just because she’s in this situation now it might seem that she’s asking a lot of you but really I think this is just something that all pregnant women do right? Everybody needs support. Everybody ask questions. I get that it’s frustrating, but I would say cut her some slack. it sounds a little bit to me as though you are resentful of the fact that she hasn’t shown a huge amount of interest in your children over the years and so you are taking this opportunity to use this particular stick to beat her with.

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 02/09/2025 07:08

I find people lose interest the older your children get. Probably rightly so because if you don’t have kids then why would you find someone’s 10 year old interesting really?

SumUp · 02/09/2025 07:11

I foolishly holidayed with my two kids (3 yo and a 6 month baby) and a friend plus boyfriend who didn’t have children yet. She’s lovely and usually very empathic (she’s a counsellor in RL), but absolutely insisted on a a place that was beautiful but with nothing for a mum with small kids to do whilst the rest of the party were hiking. Once she had her own children she apologised profusely for her lack of thought.

I would roll with it and try to calm your irritation if you value your friendship. She will come to realise and possibly feel quite embarrassed.

nomas · 02/09/2025 07:14

Adrinaxo · 02/09/2025 06:55

I think because I see myself spending a lot of time with her child and showing more interest but again as above, it may be because I've already experienced children and I am more aware now

YANBU. Don’t feel obliged to show interest when she wasn’t interested in yours.

You can be a supportive friend but still have boundaries.

Owly11 · 02/09/2025 07:17

I have never taken loads of interest in friends’ children and nor have they in mine - other than usual updates on how they are and what they’re doing. If friends’ children were same age as mine then there might have been a bit more conversation about development and behaviour and sharing of experiences. But no, with a childless friend there would obviously be none of that, just polite interest. I am not sure why you are upset about it. Are you feeling used by her right now?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 02/09/2025 07:31

I’m childfree (by choice) and have absolutely no interest in other people’s children. I imagine that a lot of people are the same until they have their own.

I do understand why you feel a bit put out but I think it’s just what happens when you have your kids first.

honeylulu · 02/09/2025 07:57

It's not uncommon. Lots of women aren't that interested in babies/children until they have their own, because your own are different.

I was the first of my friendship group to have a baby. The others were all still living a fun carefree life. I made the effort to meet up with them and go out in the evening sometimes and I tried hard not to be a "baby bore" and talk about other stuff as they didn't seem particularly interested. Then 3 years later my two besties both had their first baby within a month of each other. I was so happy for them but OMG they were the biggest baby bores on the planet! They never talked about anything else!