Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

396 replies

NeedyJoker · 01/09/2025 22:07

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

OP posts:
BunnyVV · 02/09/2025 12:56

He’s emotionally manipulative, borderline abusive. Instead of taking responsibility for his carelessness he is actively refusing to engage to address the issue and deflecting blame and guilt into you.
i would be very careful about continuing this relationship. It is developing into emotional abuse. He appears to have no executive functioning to stop impulsive purchases and put remedial action in place to budget according to his salary. I wonder if he has severe ADHD?

protect yourself, set some boundaries against his emotional abuse and stop paying for things that are not your responsibility.

Original poster
NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:56

he said to me this morning “you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money”. I’m comfortable because I’ve worked in a well paying job for years, trained for 6 years and save my money. He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:58

DSDs mother has left her, does not pay anything. Says she needs to work on her MH and will let us know when she’s ok and can come back here - possibly in 12 months. It’s a mess

OP posts:
Naunet · 02/09/2025 12:59

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:56

he said to me this morning “you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money”. I’m comfortable because I’ve worked in a well paying job for years, trained for 6 years and save my money. He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

Tell him you don't have time and that he needs to grow the fuck up and start acting like an adult, because if he can't do that, you're out. AI can help him budget, you don't need to spend your time doing yet more shit for him.

I'm so angry on your behalf, you seem like a really lovely person.

Pallisers · 02/09/2025 12:59

It's a mess but it doesn't have to be your mess.

WaltzingWaters · 02/09/2025 13:01

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:56

he said to me this morning “you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money”. I’m comfortable because I’ve worked in a well paying job for years, trained for 6 years and save my money. He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

He’ll keep doing this month after month because you’re allowing it. What is your living situation? Are you both on a mortgage? Both renting? Whatever you do, DO NOT keep subsidising this waster. He's just taking you for mug because you’re allowing it, instead of working to care for his own Dd. His Dd who is going through a lot. But still, he’d rather be spending time and money on weed and his hobby than looking out for her. Surely you can see this man is a waste of space and you need to get out of this situation immediately. Just let the schools safe guarding lead let them know of the situation first to make sure DSD is taken care of. But this really isn’t your problem to fix.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 02/09/2025 13:01

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:56

he said to me this morning “you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money”. I’m comfortable because I’ve worked in a well paying job for years, trained for 6 years and save my money. He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

You should have said keep your stuffing paycheck because you'll need it to finance your bills and your daughter, i'm out.

FrogFalacy · 02/09/2025 13:02

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:58

DSDs mother has left her, does not pay anything. Says she needs to work on her MH and will let us know when she’s ok and can come back here - possibly in 12 months. It’s a mess

Op I imagine living with your current DP would mess with anyone’s MH. The mother of his Dd likely lost the plot with his absolute bullshit excuses. Do you want to end up like this in 10 years time with your own children with this waste of space and your own MH in tatters?

The man does not at all sound like someone with depression - he sounds like a cocklodger with a feckless attitude to women, jobs, money, you, his own child. The only thing he’s committed to is himself, weed and a hobby

Ps when trying to shut you down by saying it’s not the time to talk stops working he gets teary and self pitying. Of course he does! Next you’ll get suicide threats or threats he’ll have to give his child up to Ss. Only thing this man cares about is himself and getting what he wants in that moment.

TimeForTeaAndG · 02/09/2025 13:03

He's depressed cos he's smoking all his wages!

ItsNotYou852 · 02/09/2025 13:04

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

There's your answer to this mornings comment then.

TheGander · 02/09/2025 13:08

You are in touch with your righteous anger OP and that’s good. He’s manipulative, selfish and trying to guilt you into putting up with the situation by making out you are selfish. Saying “ I thought you didn’t care about money” was to shame you into continuing to pay for everything without complaint. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee, living costs money and a situation where you pay for everything isn’t sustainable. He’s got wind of your justified anger and is spouting out promises, which he’ll row back on once the anger has settled. He’s beyond redemption.
If his ex has washed her hands of DSD maybe it’s time to contact Social Servides. Sounds like they are as bad as each other.

diddl · 02/09/2025 13:15

He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

That's certainly true.

Crunchymum · 02/09/2025 13:19

he spends £££ on cannabis

Well this explains it all. I feel awful for young child involved in this shit show but you need to get rid of the druggy leech.

Is it a joint mortgage?

Happytoddler · 02/09/2025 13:19

Is the house jointly owned? If it’s your house, then kick your boyfriend out. Him and his daughter can move in with his parents.

JHound · 02/09/2025 13:19

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:56

he said to me this morning “you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money”. I’m comfortable because I’ve worked in a well paying job for years, trained for 6 years and save my money. He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

He is right - you can do better than him.

JHound · 02/09/2025 13:21

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:58

DSDs mother has left her, does not pay anything. Says she needs to work on her MH and will let us know when she’s ok and can come back here - possibly in 12 months. It’s a mess

Where has she gone overseas?

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 02/09/2025 13:24

I wouldn't leave because of DSD. But you need to sit him down and tell him you will leave if things don't change. First and foremost...the weed. Gone forever. No second chances.

oldclock · 02/09/2025 13:25

Leave and report to social services that she is living with her drug-addicted father. They can sort them out.

MrsJeanLuc · 02/09/2025 13:27

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

Didn't he say that last month?

OP you're not answering the question about your house - is the mortgage in both names or just yours?

Because if it's in joint names then he can continue to play the fool as he is now while you support him and his daughter - and then run off with half the assets you have worked so hard to build up.

Shadesofscarlett · 02/09/2025 13:28

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:56

he said to me this morning “you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money”. I’m comfortable because I’ve worked in a well paying job for years, trained for 6 years and save my money. He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

you do know he won't give you a penny next month

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/09/2025 13:32

So you have hitched your wagon to a feckless waste of time who coincidentally had a child with another feckless waste of time. I’m assuming you have no kids together? I am delighted that you didn’t marry him - I bet he asked.

Figure out how to get rid. You can stay in the child’s life if he allows it but you have to come first I’m afraid.

Bananalanacake · 02/09/2025 13:49

He sees you as a nanny with a fanny,,, and a purse.
Ask yourself this,,, if you had refused to live with him would he have looked for someone else to look after his DD, or stayed with you for you.

Keepitrealnomists · 02/09/2025 13:54

That poor little girl, sounds like you is all she has and that alone would make me stay. Hes a pot head, until he sorts out his life your relationship is doomed.

InterIgnis · 02/09/2025 13:56

NeedyJoker · 02/09/2025 12:56

he said to me this morning “you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money”. I’m comfortable because I’ve worked in a well paying job for years, trained for 6 years and save my money. He is mopping and saying I can do better than him.

whenever he gets money he says he will save it but then spends it all.

he said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting. Ffs I don’t have the time

Throw Away Norm Macdonald GIF by MOODMAN

Yeah…he won’t. He’ll throw himself a pity party and play on your heartstrings via his daughter, so you’ll feel sorry for him and suck it up some more.

Your being comfortable with money doesn’t mean you’re obliged to spend it on him and his responsibilities. That he thinks it’s okay to put that on you (and so readily voice it!) shows that his respect for you is in the negatives, never mind any love.

I also doubt that you’re the only woman in his life. Types like this like to cast wide nets in order to secure back up options.

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 14:11

He's lying and cheating you OP and this is not sustainable in a relationship. But point taken about his DD and not wanting to leave for her sake.
I'd be inclined to shock him by saying very clearly that your relationship is over unless he deals with his pathological refusal to take responsibility. He needs therapy, and to show willing he needs to arrange for his pay to go into a joint account (just his pay, not yours) because you are the only person in this relationship who can handle money. His therapy can be paid for out of that, and you can take out his share of mortgage and household costs as soon as the money arrives, then transfer the rest to his personal account.
If it isn't possible to stay with him, you can look for ways to maintain your relationship with DD and support her. Poor child, with two irresponsible birth parents. But you being dragged down too won't help her for very long.