Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

That poor, poor child. A useless Mother who abandoned her and a useless. feckless Father.

And what 'stressful' life events does this man have, other than having to look after his own child? He's just being a normal Father, having to do normal Father things. He's playing you for a fool if he is claiming this stress means he cannot work.

Ignore all his ' I thought you didn't care about money' shit. My Ex did the same except is line was ' I didn't think money was all you cared about'. He also thought I should bail him out because I had more savings than he had. He was also autistic with extreme ego-centredness and inability to see other's perspectives which is what made him so selfish. Could your partner be autistic? It could explain the utter self absorption.

Also, if you love his daughter I would consider looking into whether you can get some legal responsibility for her and then kick him out and go for shared custody. It would mean she kept the stability of your parenting but you could get rid of your selfish, parasitic partner.

This. Kick him out get sole custody of the child and force him to pay maintenance and go after the waste of space mother too. What kind of a mother dumps her child like that? Sorry I usually try and withhold judgement but truly the mind boggles.

I also wouldn't leave a stepdaughter in need, especially when her mother has left too. But honestly being a single parent (even to a child not biologically your own) is way easier than having to carry a waste of time man-child.

The poor child.

You can write stuff like this all you want, but the evidence is clear that men like this are being selected by women; otherwise he would not have been able to have a child, or have multiple different partners, to begin with.

Hi OP, I have been lurking but with every update, I feel the need to join the chorus of voices tellingyou to leave this manipulative, useless wanker and fend for yourself.

I know the situation is not "simple" due ot DSD, but you cannot let guilt for someone else's child keep you in a situation that will drown you. Contact social services and the school safeguarding team, try to remain an Aunty in her life, but you cannot give up your hard-earned financial security because her parents are shit. If you continue down this road, you'll be sole caregiver to a child you have no PR for and also financially fucked.

I wanted to draw some extra attention to his financial manipulation:

• "I thought you don't care about money" is supposed to make you feel guilty, self concious and make you question if might be materialistic, selfish or shallow. Wanting to split mortgage/rent/bills for a shared home and to be able to count on your DP to pull his weight is not even remotely materialistic.
• "you’re ok because you’re comfortable with money" is supposed to make you feel guilty as if you have some form of priviledge or good fortune that you're choosing not to share with him and his poor DD. You are already picking up his tab, and are "comfortable" with money because you have spent time and effort learning how to do it.
• "He is moping and saying I can do better than him" is supposed to make you feel sorry for him and forms part of the many ways in which men make the reaction so fucking disproportionate or such a pain in the arse - think "well I'll never make a joke again then" - that it discourages you from raising valid concerns or upsets. You are allowed to discuss money with your partner and it is normal to expect your partner to contribute to your shared household.
• "He said he will give me his whole pay check next month and needs help with budgeting" is a mindfuck. He's either suggesting that he's so incapable that he cannot be trusted with money, or that you're making such a fuss the only way is for you to control everything. Either way, you're the bad guy for not trusting him or for controlling him, he's also putting the responsibility on you to budget rather than learn this skill himself, it's a total dodge of his own responsibilities.

OP, I understand that you don't want to abandon DSD, but realistically, how long can you afford to keep them both? How long before you're also in your overdraft? How long before you can't afford an unexpected expense? And when that times comes, will the investment have been worth it?

‘Hobbies’ me arse.
Do tell; what does this overgrown 14-year old bring in to your life which elevates it every day? Christ, I’m angry for you!
His daughter is very unfortunate in her parents, but not so much that it is your responsibility to sacrifice your life to stand in for the pair of them.

If you don’t dump this waster sharpish, it’d be very hard to sympathise with your situation down the line. You’ve ample reason right this minute. Get rid.

I feel a physical revulsion at this all-too common talk of husbands and fathers needing tons of time and money for ‘hobbies’.
Might just be the word, as opposed to ‘football ‘ etc, but much of the time it involves video games or even dolls figures. Yuck. Grow up.

OP this won't get better. His solution (even if he keeps to it) is for you to do the work for him and act like his mum doling out pocket money. Therein madness lies - you'll fight about the fact that he wants more money to spend on X than you think he can spend, and there's no win for you - either you're hated for not giving him the money he wants, or you're to blame for the fact that he doesn't have enough money to pay the bills.

God no, extending any relationship with this man is not to be encouraged. I feel OP has to fully relinquish this parental rôle with the girl, or she’ll never be free of him.

OP, he will not change. He will drag you down with him, and this will be your life going forward, getting into debt and living with constant insecurity, worry and fear, not to mention resentment. Leave.

Christ if that’s not a full grown walking, talking ick I don’t know what is. You and the kids deserve better! Don’t pay for anything than will benefit him for a while…….

Well said, every word.

You need to get out of this. You’re enabling his spending by paying the bills. How is he paying for the hobby? Don’t give him any money. I wouldn’t be paying for anything that wasn’t in my name. He’s probably gambling if he’s spending that much money and that’s not a hobby.

He is taking the piss!

Sit down with your crystal ball OP and have a look at your future with this loser. He will see that he can work less and less, contributing little or nothing to living costs, not to mention his daughter's expenses and you will continue to dip into your savings to cover everything. After another few years you probably won't even bother to challenge him as it's not worth the aggravation.

Eventually you will run out of savings, he will then dump you for some other mug (sorry) who is willing to subsidise his pathetic existence while he pisses about, working a bit now and then, enjoying his hobbies and spending what money he does have on recreational drugs. His daughter will grow up, see what a useless tosser her so called dad is and leave home as soon as she possibly can. You will be left with no partner, no step-child and no money.

Does it sound appealing?

She has no grounds to ‘get sole custody’. She would also be tying herself to this useless sack of shit for life if she did that, and could find herself having to pay him for the ‘privilege’ of raising his kid.

OP, please free yourself of the notion that his daughter is your responsibility. She isn’t. Far from being admirable, it’s utterly stupid. He will continue weaponize your attachment to her to take you for everything you have. When he’s drained you dry he will move on, and she’ll go with him. Don’t be blinded by emotion into fucking yourself well and truly over.

I grew up with a father who wasted all my mother’s money on cannabis. He lied about going to work, repeatedly, had a chronic spending problem though so often leaving my mother having to work extra night shifts to keep paying for everything. He eventually left when I was 15, and it should have happened years beforehand. The household was extremely toxic as the cannabis just made him more depressed and lazy, and he smoked it round the clock.
He died almost 2 years ago. I’m a parent myself, and his death highlighted a few things to me as to why I was angry. Why didn’t he love me enough to give up smoking? Why didn’t he love us all enough to just stop, and get a job. He left us with huge debts, I answered the door to many debt collectors as a young teen and it’s just no way to grow up. The other question in my mind was why didn’t my mother kick him out? Why did she bother with him in the first place?? Life would’ve been quite a lot better without him, in many aspects. It’s not her fault though, she was exhausted and has MS so it was all she could do to keep going and keep a roof over our heads. We often didn’t have enough food in the house though, I have a lot of resentment towards my father for this. He was addicted, and I’m sure some people would argue that that makes this not his fault either but I just feel that if he wanted to stop, he could have. He just didn’t.
Please get rid of him. Do what you can for DSD, she’s got the roughest deal in all of this.

Well he's won the GF lottery hasn't he. He can behave in whatever way he chooses and you're there enabling and supporting him for it.

You're a mug, seriously. She's not your child to feel responsible for.

I thought they too, about maintaining a string of women. Textbook case, by the sound of it. OP is the hotel, bank, and substitute parent, and he’s spending money on his other women.
Add the dopesmoking into it, and this is most of the guys I’d see around my town in the 1980s.
An appalling tribe of arrogant wasters, entirely supported by a huge number of women each with her own separate function in maintaining his easy life.

I wouldn’t demean myself another week by having such a one and his child sponging off me, (and all of it presented in a stream of complaints!)
Screw that. It’s about time women stopped falling for this shit; it’s not 1985.

I would put money on it. While OP is funding him and providing childcare, he’s out doing his hobby (aka, reeling in other women).

He's a waste of space, and displaying the most disrespectful attitude towards you that I seen on here in a long time. Please don't tolerate this for one moment longer. He's got no respect for you, and none for his daughter. Off he fucks.

He's a waste of space, and displaying the most disrespectful attitude towards you that I seen on here in a long time. Please don't tolerate this for one moment longer. He's got no respect for you, and none for his daughter. Off he fucks.

Even though you love him. Its best to leave now before things gets worse. He is a liar and has no respect for you.

Me & my girlfriends have a nickname for blokes like this... Cocklodgers