Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

I'd be reporting both of them to social services. I am left as they come but in this instance both parents are feckless scroungers. And theyve seen a soft touch in you, I'm afraid.

His "hobby" is either golf or watching live football. Either one is fiendishly expensive and put together with his weed habit, I cannot understand why you're with this absolute spoon of a man. You're paying for everything - including his "hobbies"!

I don't often say this, but LTB.

Maybe take his DD with you, as she doesn't deserve two such loser parents.

He's addicted to cannabis & expects the women around him to bail him out.

How about doctor appointment for DP for his depression/addiction.
Couples counselling for his attitude.
Adoption by you of dsd, so that if it comes to separation- you can care for her.

Get all his money paid straight into the bill account, then you - only you - take out what he doesn't owe and send it back. Make him agree to this and make sure he sticks to it. If not I'd leave him, how can you trust someone who can't even put a few pounds in to pay bills? He's not just 'useless with money' he's selfish. No money should be going on cannabis or anything else for him until he's paid you back hie half of the bills from last month and this month.

This is about the only viable option (if the OP really wants to stay with him)

Try to separate him from your feelings about the child. It's possible to chuck him out and still accommodate her, if necessary, especially if you are concerned about where he would take her. Finally, report him to CPS if he cannot care for her properly.

Make the time or get out now.

Let the mother know you won't be around. Before she buggers off.

I second this post, though I realize that you probably have no standing as the mere partner of a parent.

FFS... the poor child. I understand you not wanting to leave for her sake, but your hard-earned money going towards funding a lazy scrounger's cannabis habit is just not on.

I do think you have to make very clear that he has to step up now because he is responsible for his child now and has to stop behaving like a child himself. If that doesn't prompt a change in behaviour, then you're better off dumping him and trying to stay in the child's life in some as-yet undefined capacity.

Getting social services involved may not be the worst idea, tbh, if the mother has left with no provisions made and the father has a serious cannabis habit and bizarre priorities that entail paying for his hobby before holiday club.

Good luck sorting this out, OP. It's very decent of you to want to be there for the little girl; I hope you can make that happen.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

This is a deflection technique. He's trying to make your timing the issue, rather than his horrendous money skills. Rather like the man who blames a woman for looking at his phone, when she uncovers an affair

Is this what he's making out his life is so terrible over or is there more going on?

@NeedyJoker dump the man - tell him he’s out in 4 weeks and to find somewhere else to live.

If you love her and can afford to, keep the little child - tell the DP that you will keep her there “for the time being” until her mum is back so she stays at the same nursery and her life stays the same, and ask him to cover her nursery fees. I bet the loser will actually not even fight that - and actually it is obviously in her interests. Poor little mite.

Have you really just written this?? I know a heap of neuro typical people that are self absorbed, self satisfied wasters as well.

Imagine substituting 'autistic' with any other minority term. Shame on you.

Yes... @tomatoestartary is absolutely right... It won't get any better.

if you accept this role, you will literally become the Bank of Girlfriend.
Because he will say "Oh but I gave you my whole paycheck"

It's a very clever solution on his part.
That just means you will be responsible for paying for everything, because he's given you what he can "afford" which will be a variable feast/famine. Because you dared to question his finances, he's planning to dump more responsibility for paying the bills and you will be even worse off than before. And what's more, it will all be your fault too because he put you in charge of his finances. If you can't manage it will be on you, everytime he wants spending money. And you won't even be able to complain. Whilst he can laze even more comfortably without bothering his pretty little head about it. PLEASE don't acceot this.

Seriously, he's regressing to a teenager. Mum, I won't love you if you don't give me money to go out with my mates.. so unfair!

@holrosea made a really good summary of what he's really saying.. and its actually so disrespectful and entitled.

I think it may take you a while to sort through all these issues. But whilst he's causing you to struggle - bring in Austerity. No non essential spending of YOUR SAVINGS. He doesn't understand the meaning of frugality. Close the bank. Whilst he's not working or doing anything else... Basically go on a work to rule, whilst you think through your options.

Why would you waste your time with this loser!

Jesus Christ. Yes OP, just go ahead and free him of his parental responsibilities, it’s up to an unrelated woman to bear that burden after all. Just no.

and four weeks?!

🤦🏻‍♀️

You're his bangmaidnannybank.

Why would you keep this farce going? Time to Marie Kondo your household. Is he useful or does he spark joy?

Stop supporting this loser.

That poor child having a pair of fuckwits as parents.
Has she any immediate family that can help because you're not the default parent.

It’s a mess, but it’s not your mess. It’s very sad for the child, but you are not responsible for her. Are you really going to ruin your life for the sake of a child who is not your own? If (I hope when) you kick him out it will be entirely his fault not yours. He was too focused on his hobby and his drugs to bother caring about keeping a stable home for his child. I guarantee you he will try to guilt trip you over the child when the time comes. If you are able to speak to her I think it’s worth taking a moment to tell her that it’s absolutely not her fault no matter what anyone else says, it’s her dad’s fault. I know when parents split you shouldn’t bad mouth the other one, but you’ll probably not see her again and I wouldn’t put it past him to tell her she’s the reason you’ve left, so if you can get in first you could protect her from the damage to her mental health a bit. I hope she has grandparents who give a shit because it seems neither of her parents do.

"recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone."
Is it a joint mortgage? Whose name(s) is/are on the deeds, is it jointly owned or owned by just one of you?

Did he give you the £350 he got paid?

What was he doing with his time when you thought he was working and you were paying for his child's care?

Is your mortgage joint?

It is a complete mess that poor child. However, I think this is a case of not your circus. You don't need to go down on this ship. I think a well timed ultimatum. EIther he sorts himself out or you're gone.

Surely some1 must be in receipt of DSD’s Child Benefit?

In this situation, I would be taking the child to her GParents, regardless of how much you love having her OP.

A several have pointed out, this DP isn’t going to change. OP you’ll have space to sort this without the child.

No no no. Offer to be the guardian of the kid and get out of this shitty relationship. Weed above all else. I had a relationship like this years ago. Weed was all he thought about in the end. Get out now before it gets worse as it will. Far worse.