Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

Cocklodger weaponising a mental health disorder (depression). Seems to be the way these days.

OP, I was going to say, sit down and look at the annual budget with him so he can see how much he needs to contribute but then I read your comment about the cannibis.

He is choosing to spend money on drugs rather than support his family, leaving you to pay for his child.

Tell him that you have no savings left and he either contributes or leaves. If you are concerned about his DD then contact her other family members, or SS.

You're putting up with this, you. He's being clear with you the type of person he is, what he offers to the relationship (nothing).

What are you going to do about it?

No it's a selfish bastard thing. He's massively using you. Is the house in both names? Did he ask you to look after his kid or just assume?

Fuck That!!

He is spending his money on take aways and hobbies and you are paying mortgage and bills.

Kick him out or tell him to pay his share

OP - my husband is terrible with money. It's linked to his ADHD, so it's not his 'fault' but that doesn't make it any easier to live with. I've been with him nearly 20 years, and it took me a while to realize how bad he actually was (I met him when was in my 20s when being slightly scatty with money is fairly common and it was all a big adventure, but looking back on it now he was in his 30s, and isn't normal in your 30s to forget to pay your electricity bill until you actually get cut off), and by then we were married and have a child together. Basically when we had kids and I got myself sorted and said 'right now we need to properly manage finances', I discovered that it wasn't that he was just being scatty, but that he had a fundamental issue.

I manage all finances now but we have roughly monthly blowouts on this still (or on something else that he was meant to be doing and has hidden from me he hasn't done until everything explodes), and the impact of the mental load of taking responsibility for everything important really threatens to overwhelm me now I'm in my 40s. If we didn't have kids we would have separated by now (I'm not staying 'for the kids', but it's never been bad enough and he obviously has good points as well, plus there would be a massive financial impact of separating).

If you don't have kids with him, I would end the relationship. He won't get better and believe me this is all much much more stressful when you have kids to worry about. I know that you have your DSD but (bluntly) she's not your child and she has two parents to take responsibility for her.

His attitude is terrible, and him going through a bad time isn't an excuse. He's not the victim here.

You’re in a relationship with a drug addict.

His money is being spent on his hobby and his drugs rather than his child or his home.

You are being used as childcare and a free home/cook/cleaner etc.

What’s the point of this relationship? You get nothing from it.

Oh OP. You had me a Cannabis.

So he's sitting at home, smoking dope, pretending to work and lieing to you about it... whilst expecting days out, dinners out etc.
He had zero plan.
Zero for how to pay this month's bills on just £350 and didn't even care
Well in fact he did have a plan. Muggins would pay for it.
On top of that it sounds like you are now full time responsible for his child.

And every time you try to even mention it or talk to him about it you get the backlash of "Its the wrong time". Its not the wrong time. He is bullying you to shut you up.

He knows you have savings and he will keep on doing this until he has bled you dry and then the relationship will fall apart anyway.

Seriously think about whether you want to be bled dry for the rest of your life with this total drugged up loser, who you are not even allowed to discuss anything with. What does he add to your life.

Think about "consciously uncoupling."

He's a cocklodger using you as his own private bank.

I wonder why the ex broke up with him...? Probably remarkably similar reasons.

Sorry, but if you've got a small child to pay for, and a mortgage to pay, that needs to take precedence over "hobby".
Paid-for hobbies are a luxury only for people who have already paid their bills.

Just saw your update that although he has no money this month, and is "stressed" he still managed to drag himself out to his hobby with your brother from 10 to 6 (almost the same time as a work day!) to do his hobby, whilst you looked after his daughter. I thought he couldn't do the hobby because its too expensive for him at the moment?

I agree with the pp who said he's not "stressed" he's got life exactly the way he wants it. Mininmal work, plenty of time and cash for his drug habit and someone else to do all the household work, childcare and pay the bills.

Is he gratefufl? Does he appreciate it? Doesn't sound like it. I don't think I could stand someone who expressed you having a conversation with them as adding more shit to the bucket of shit that is his life. This kind of remark, apart from being so utterly insulting is expressly to stop you questioning him about any of his life decisions.. and he has pushed this view on you so much that your post is full of concern and worry for the stress he's going through.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? What about the stress he is putting you through.

If you get on with your brother I would have a talk with him , DP spent all day with him afterall, and see if you can glean anymore information about what is going on. DP already bad mouths you to your face, it would be interesting to see what kind of crap he has been saying to your brother about you... Maybe that might give some clarity about the situation.

Check your credit rating, change your passwords and hide your financial information. I hope he doesn't know how much you've managed to save, because he won't stop until its gone.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been answered, but what is the hobby?

Oh OP kick this loser out. He's stressed my arse. He's a waste of space.

What a prince of a man.
OP for your sake you need to leave.

Oh God, raise your bar OP! He is a subpar loser. You know this.

You've what MN calls a cock lodger it would seem. It really does not seem that he is adding anything positive to your life. Get rid of him and save yourself a lot of time, money and stress.

OP this sounds really hard. Ultimately your partner may be going through a difficult time but his behaviour is making life very hard for you too. In some families it is agreed that one partner will work/ be the primary breadwinner while another is responsible for the household or is pursuing further education. It can also be that circumstance pushes the situation (redundancy, ill health). This does not seem to be the case here.

I think you need to be strong here. You cannot stay with him for DSD no matter how hard it might be to walk away. You need to be strong and say July and August are now past you appreciate that he's going through a stressful time but you need to have a proper discussion about the management of finances and household responsibilities and make a plan moving forwards. That is a reasonable conversation and it's very convenient for him at the moment to not be prepared to have it. Isn't there some form of child support from the Child's mother as well that should be going towards her care?

It is very very hard to walk away from situations like this (I have been a similar position where walking away from a relationship meant losing other things) but ultimately DSD is an anxillary benefit to the relationship. If the relationship is not there anymore you cannot stay for her benefit. If he's a good dad (or a lazy one) he may well allow for you two to maintain contact regardless.

So he's a weaponised martyr then. He'll always have a reason or excuse to succumb to his wants and wishes, whether it be cannabis, drink, hobby spending etc etc. We all have reasons to need a pick me up, but the person in all this who needs his support both emotionally and financially is his little daughter.

If he was single, would his daughter be now starving and homeless because he has the fecklessness to not earn and when he does to piss it up the wall ??

you realise you’re spending £££ on it on his behalf. You need to use his language back at him…. I’m so stressed I’m now behind on my saving schedule for next years holiday. I can’t afford to cover your daughter’s holiday club because my money is fully allocated. No that’s my hobby money / pension / holiday fund it’s not available to you.

you need to ask him to step up for himself and his daughter else he’ll end up losing you and if he can’t put you first then he needs to put his daughter first and it sounds like she really needs YOU now.

but honestly he sounds like an addict.

This.

You have to do some serious thinking about your future, OP.

He’s taking you for a mug.

If you don’t have kids with him I don’t see why you are still there.

Oh OP I feel for you reading this pile on. I don't want to add to it, but...

Let me tell you my story, married on the rebound, fun loving happy go lucky guy.
Unfortunately he has no concept of finances at all, money just burns a hole in his pocket!
Has an addictive personality, currently he is off alcohol but smokes a lot of weed and gambles.
When I try to explain that we just don't earn enough to support that, he suggests taking out another loan or credit card.
That's if he will talk at all rather than going off on one about my adding to his depression because I know he can't help it.
A few years back I had quite a nice inheritance, now I have nothing left of it.
I'm 64, working a min wage job and no future to look forward too except scrimping on my pension and carrying on working for as long as I can.
Please don't let your story be the same. Do what you can for your DSD but ultimately you must come first.

Why was the child at holiday club if her father wasn’t working?