Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

Where’s her 90 minutes to herself??? Have a think about that.
maternity leave is hard, bringing up children is fucking hard. And yes sometimes you do need to ask, just to be considerate and thoughtful, and to open up the conversation. Having kids does completely restrict your freedom.

People on here will always support the women, but I do think a parent should be able to cope with their own kids for an extra 90 minutes. Yes it was short notice but as a one-off, on an evening when neither of you had any specific plans, I'd be okay with that and supportive of my husband doing something active and social (I'm a sahm to a 3 and 1 year old).

Kids do limit your freedom of course, but by the time baby is 6 months old you should both be able to have some time to yourself if you want to. For both parents.

I dont think comparing how stressful your days is a good thing to do though! With my first I definitely spent a long time breastfeeding in front of the TV but that's not possible once there's a 3 year old!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for either partner to have 90 mins for doing a hobby, catch up with friends etc, in fact I think it is really positive thing to do.
But, I can remember being in maternity leave with my 2nd and literally counting down the minutes till my DH came home some days. If he’d phoned to say he wasn’t coming home on time I know there would have been times it would have really upset me.
Some days can be really hard on maternity leave, others are fine but I think if this was pre planned your wife would have felt differently

What freedom does he have?! I’m assuming you’re either a man or a woman without children due to the fact that you’ve asked this question.

He leaves the house without his children. Imagine that? Just putting your shoes on and walking out the door. Not a last feed, two nappy changes, shoes and socks for the toddler, infant carrier for the baby, coats/hats/suncream (whatever the weather requires) holding hands to the car etc. He can pop into a shop without unfolding a pram and wrangling two kids. He probably doesn’t ask his wife “am I alright to go for a shower?” as so many default parents feel the need to. He can answer the phone without screaming/shouting/laughing in the background. He can go literally anywhere without having to pump his breasts. He can sit in peace and quiet and have adult conversations about whatever the hell he wants without watching his language for little ears.

My DS is 3 months old and I haven’t been able to leave him for longer than it takes me to wash my hair. I’m desperate for a hair cut but it will have to wait. I am his primary caregiver and he’s EBF. No one else is able to settle him. He will not take a bottle.

I love being a mum, and this period of time is so temporary, but forgive me if I’m not falling over myself to defend this man’s right to play football at night with hardly any notice because he needs freedom. They both do. They should be conversing about what they both need and how they can make it happen rather than this “me me me” bollocks.

I'm still astounded by the fact that you think going to a paid job is freedom.
We'll have to respect each others different viewpoints on this I think

You are putting your wife in the role of default parent. Both of you have jobs. Yours is for pay, hers is taking care of the children for the same number of hours. Outside of your work hours, both of you should share equally in the labor.

if you want to have recreation time, you absolutely have to make sure your wife is available to watch the children. This is also true for any chore where you can not multi-task. You can’t pop to the store, take a shower, or mow the lawn, without making sure your wife is ok with being the point parent while you engage in the task. If you don’t already realize this with two children, your marriage is in serious jeopardy.

I think I’ll wait and see if Mr. Goady posts again before bothering…

Also it’s not just 90 mins, that’s the time playing not getting there or back, post game drink etc. I had days when I was on mat leave and all I wanted was my husband to come home so I could have a shower and feel human, I would probably have reacted badly to being told at lunchtime time he was out for the evening. Just manners to ask rather than tell and maybe if you had asked she would have still been disappointed but would have said it was ok.

Is this a wind up post? Surely you're not that self absorbed and blind to the responsibilities of parenting?
Someone needs to look after the DC. If your wife made plans at the same time as you who looks after the children? Of course you need 'permission' from each other to ensure the children are looked after.
Maternity leave and breastfeeding are draining. How hard for you to sit in meetings all day whilst your lucky wife is having the life sucked out of her.

Between 8.30& 6.30 right, you are at work, and she is responsible for the kids.

The rest of the time they are both your responsibilities.

What if she'd also made plans for that evening and not asked you? Why do you assume she is the default parent outside of working hours? She's on maternity leave from her own job. That does not make her your 24 hour live in nanny for your DC.

I've done both and maternity leave is both far nicer and far harder than any other job I've had.

How many hours did spend holding the sole responsibility for keeping a helpless person alive today? How much pee, poo, and sick did clean? How often did someone suck the life out of your nipples? How much of your energy and biological resources were used to create food for someone else?

Having children doesn't mean you never get to do something for yourself, but it does mean checking the other parent is happy to look after the children before making plans. You are just as responsible for looking after them as she is outside of working hours and you can't just assume she will pick up your slack without a discussion.

It’s common courtesy to check with your wife BEFORE you commit to something. You’re taking her for granted. She is aware of that, hence why she wasn’t happy when you sprang your plans on her.

That’s usually why women go off sex with their husbands - they feel resentful that they’re taken for granted and their enormous contribution to family life is undervalued. Funnily enough, we don’t find that attractive.

It’s not about the activity but about the assumption, and from the sounds of the post a little bit about your attitude. My DH has loads more hobbies outside the home, and I have no problem with him doing nearly whatever after work, or on the weekend etc. However it’s courteous to check in with your partner to make sure they are OK with it, there aren’t any plans you have forgotten about, or that she hasn’t had an awful day and needs you. Your post comes across like you think she is putting her feet up. It can be like that, but usually you are juggling two small creatures who never need the same thing at the same time, and craving adult company whilst being extremely stressed by someone crying at you, or that you are doing it wrong.

6 month year old is the worst I think - accumulation of a lot of tiredness, still lots of BF but also trying to figure out weaning and absolute mess of that. My kids are way older but I would never presume about doing something (am in fact waiting on my DP finishing bedtime just now to I can ask if I can do an gym class with friends on Thursday which would mean he will need to do dinner and start bedtime on what is normally my night) - I suggest the take it turn evenings as then you can easily accept something on those days (though at this stage might still be good to check in if she is having a terrible day and recognise that she won't easily be able to take as many evenings)

I can’t see why it was a big deal to play 90 minutes of sport. When my DH says he has plans I pretty much push him out the door. I say this from a perspective where we have zero support with a young DC.

The comment about who as more stress is not an argument you want to have it’s based on emotion only and just gets everyone defensive about their day as everyone wants to feel they are the most hard done by.

As someone who has as very fast paced, demanding and high pressure job, I can tell you that I was infinitely more tired and drained while on MAT leave. Unless you have spent months looking after two small children all day, every day, you can't really compare the experiences.

I went to the office today. Had a nice coffee and a pastry while reading my emails. Listened to my music as I did some tasks. Had a chat with a colleague about her weekend. Wandered to the shops at lunchtime. Under no circumstances would I swap my day with a mum on mat leave.

It isn't about asking permission, it is having the courtesy and good manners to discuss something with your significant other instead of presenting them with a fait accompli.

There's nothing wrong with having 90 minutes downtime at all. Just so long as you acknowledge that your 90 minutes downtime means an extra 90 minutes on duty for the other parent, and for someone who's got two small kids, one of whom has been attached to her chest like a limpet for the last six months, that 90 minutes can seem like an eternity. Especially when sprung on her as a done deal.

Very few people get paid for doing that as a job - you're very lucky or you're public sector. Op said his job is stressful.

To be frank I don't think you've got a fucking clue what her day is like. She is clearly desperate for some adult interaction at the end of yet another ground hog day with two young kids. You sound like a clueless arsehole I'm afraid.

What a shitty attitude towards public services. I’ve worked in the public sector and I work very hard.

Where you went wrong here was not agreeing this before you left for work for the day. Once you’ve left and the day has begun, barring emergencies, it’s too late to be clearing social arrangements after work with your other half.

In the same way, it would be wrong for her to announce to you that late in the day (lunchtime) that she was going out as soon as you returned from work at the usual time. Which would be exactly the same.

I also think you have an unrealistic idea of what her day is like. Looking after a baby and toddler all day, with breastfeeding thrown in, and night feeds making you tired before the day begins, is much harder than a day in work.

Edit - in theory of course both partners should be allowed 90 mins every now and then to themselves. But no one should be announcing it unilaterally once the day has begun. It’s not so much asking permission, but asking the other person if they don’t mind meeting joint responsibilities single handedly that day. Which is generally fine with notice but not last minute, or by text/ phone call.

Oh come on....most people are not down a mine. An office or retail job will have scheduled breaks, quiet periods, some socialising, a toilet break when needed. I teach secondary school and even that is easier than some days on mat leave.

My job is often stressful and busy, but it doesn’t mean you don’t get any time for yourself, even if it’s just a nice sandwich or a trip to the toilet in peace.

😂 😂 😂