Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

3 yo and 6 months is EXHAUSTING. I'd take a day at the office any day. You say you are at work and it's hard and she just sits about all day. But you have freedom. You can go to the toilet without a baby crying, grab lunch, have adult conversations. I bet she's having good day if she's able to have a shower.

Nothing wrong with playing football but realistically it's more than 90mins and probably means she has to put them to bed.

It gets better but at this stage it's better to do stuff at the weekend or when you can get her help.

The moral of this story is if you can't quite grasp fairness within a relationship then don't live with the inlaws, they will have their beady eye on you.

It can be intimidating and claustrophobic living with wife's parents and maybe your feeling of needing time alone and to break free are justified but don't become defensive just be an adult and give your wife respect, allowing more time for sports plans.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to want to have a few hours after work occasionally to do a sport, I think you’re unreasonable to only let her know the lunchtime of the day rather than in advance (unless I’ve read that wrong). When I was on maternity leave with a 2 year old and a baby I’d often be counting down the hours to DH getting home from work to have some help and some adult conversation so to get a message at lunchtime I’d be gutted, if I knew in advance I could prepare for it and plan my day accordingly.

I also think you are being unreasonable to think that maternity leave is easy. The 3 year old is probably at an age where they’re having big emotions which need managing throughout the day whilst also looking after a baby and often having little to no adult conversation, it hard work mentally never mind the physical tiredness that goes with breastfeeding and presumably broken sleep at night.

I think you should be able to do a hobby after work occasionally…as long as your wife has equal opportunity to do the same and it is planned in advance but please don’t think that she has it easy being on maternity leave.