Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

No, it is not unreasonable to have time for yourself. However, when your kids are so small it can be very difficult to manage time where everyone gets a reset!

Your wife seems drained from being everyone's everything. Her time watching TV breastfeeding is not a luxury. It's an necessity for your child, whilst ensuring or consciously being aware there is another child running about who might be playing safely but also might be getting into something they shouldn't. So her mind is in many places.

Just like when you are at work and don't need to worry about that kind of responsibility, however, you are able to focus on your task at hand, albeit, a different kind of stress.

When do you both get time together? I get a sense she needs you, the person you guys were before kids, in way. This tends to be forgotten about once kids, life, pressures start to make an appearance. I don't think she is stopping you from seeing friends but it seems she's hit a wall and needs you to see her, and maybe do something with her.

In one breathe you say wife doesn’t have to cook or clean
in the next you say you do it when you get home
which is it?

That is not joy, that is selfishness. But I guess there is joy in being able to be selfish…!! As long as you don’t force your way onto anyone, the World will be joyful with you 😏

You did nothing wrong, you said you would be a bit late home due to having a bit of time with friends. If you afford her the same courtesy there is no issue and as adults you should certainly not need to beg or feel guilty. I genuinely don’t see the issue.

I was going to say that you shouldn’t have to ‘ask permission’ to go football but then I read that you said you ‘helped’ her with chores. This is your issue. You see it as all her work and you help her rather than just being a parent and an adult with responsibilities.

She’s not spending her day watching TV and napping.

Maybe if you were a more present and useful parent and partner, she wouldn’t resent you going to football.

You’re the type of guy that will say your wife left you because you didn’t put the dishes away.

I am a mum of 5 and have stayed at home with all of them as babies. Yes, it is hard work being at home and you do miss the company of adults but I would never stop my partner from going to do something he enjoys after work other than when they were newborn and I was an emotional wreck. I’m talking up to around 6 weeks old. Your wife doesn’t have any household chores to do if you’re staying with her parents and it sounds like you do your fair share when you are home, so I think she is being very selfish expecting you to miss out on your hobbies, especially when you are more than happy for her to have time out with her friends or enjoying her hobbies. If this was a nightly trip to the pub or you were to be gone for hours then that would be different. It would have been nice to run it past her rather than just telling her your plans, but unless something awful has happened to make her need you home, I’m not really sure why you shouldn’t be “allowed” out for a couple of hours every once in a while.

When did she last tell you she was going away for 90 minutes and how did you react?

Only counts if he’s already done a full day at home with them keeping up with everything!

oh what’s that op? Never? But somehow you just know her job is easier.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT! Go play football, OP! And you return the favour while your wife goes to a Zumba class or Pilates or whatever she fancies! Don’t put your lives on hold until the kids are older. Because - being alive - and being well enough to do the things we want - isn’t guaranteed for any of us. So we should never put off doing the things we want to do.

Fucksake NO-ONE has said the OP can't play football. He just needs to check in with his wife first as a matter of common courtesy.

@TheLudditesWereRight

actually there are a few martyr types on here who have said a parent can’t have any time for themselves until their child is 3 years old - lol! What nonsense.

At the other end of the scale, I preferred work to childcare. I did a fair amount of both, though no spa days, and I found work more interesting.

While I adored my small child and celebrated every step forward, I was very happy to delegate the every day responsibility to earn real money instead. Small children need time and patience and as I was neither patient nor flush with time, but could earn a lot then, I paid a more maternal person to cover my work time during infancy. I didn't really step into parenting until a sabbatical when dc was 8.

Even so, DC (now 26) and I are very good chums and close. Similar interests and temperaments but while I loved my child, I did not enjoy the early years -- I don't think most people do.

I LOVE the people who accuse women with standards of being man-haters.

I adore my DH, he is wonderful. Which means I see twatty men a mile off. Standards for men are in the toilet and so having some makes you stand out. Mine used to come home and often grab DD and say, “love, go and sit down”. Years later he told me that he knew when he walked in the door if he needed to do that. Place a tip, dinner not ready, me looking like crap = grab kid, do chores, tell me to rest. Dinner ready, me smiling, place looking vaguely habitable = take his shoes off leisurely, grab a cup of tea, little chat, whatever he earned. I never knew. That’s what a good man does. He still ran, worked out, and looked after himself. But he husbanded and fathered first. And he was managing millions of pounds, running a department, one of those Big Jobs men seem to have.

Man-hater I am not. Twat-hater, all day long.

I have a senior role in a corporate job and have been on maternity leave and I can definitively say that work is a holiday for me compared to being at home all day with kids.

Sure work can be stressful but ultimately I can do simple things like use a bathroom and getting a cup of tea or even going out to buy lunch without having a child hanging off me. You can have adult conversations and feeling like yourself. Being at home, my every movement revolves around the kids.

My husband gets time to himself for sports but he always asks. It's respectful and also he plans it in advance. Your wife is probably already tired and looking forward to having you home to do something simple like use the bathroom in peace and you spring that upon her that you are going out after work. You focus on "lacking freedom" when what's happening is your "lacking respect and appreciation for your wife". It doesn't hurt to plan in advance so she can anticipate you won't be home and adjust her expectations.

What you have just written is below my level of respect.

Life is indeed short, and the baby and young child years also. I can’t think of a single parent I know who upon discovering that their life really is short and they have very little time left who would think ‘must go play football’ instead of must ‘spend this precious time with my young children and wife’. Every second of it, even for my football mad husband.

@99bottlesofkombucha

Nope! if you discover you don’t have long left to live it’s not somehow defective to want to spend some time on your interests, hobbies and passions as well as spending lots of time with your family.

This is more or less what we do, after work, managing children is shared between us. however it is coming to have non-work related shores that need to be achieved outside of working hours and this is when things get tricky cause DW won’t do it and it is my responsibility.
She might have a feeling of always taking care of kids even on the evenings?
But yeah you are right, I should have double checked with her before accepting invite.
I already apologised DW for that.

we are temporarily leaving with parents

How many times have you had sole care of both your DCs for 24 hours?

I think it's fine to want a bit of time to yourself to play a sport, but give her a bit of notice. It's not fine to think she has an easier life than you, with a toddler and young baby. Have you ever done this on your own for sustained periods of time? It's lonely, tedious, frustrating and bloody hard work. Do it for a few days and you'll see how desperate you are for your wife to walk in the door in the evening!

I voted you're being unreasonable because your wife asked for some reasonable communication and you turned it into having a lack of freedom and comparing who has it harder. All you need to do is check in with your wife and communicate. She might have been having a difficult day. What if she had decided to go out for the evening and just messaged you and told you with no notice you'd probably be annoyed.

Ypur parents or her parents? It makes a massive difference.

So outside of work you split childcare equally? You split the nights, night feeds/changes and wakings? I don't see how that's possible if she's solely breastfeeding. Can you explain, because it should be split equally outside of working hours. If that's not possible because of bf then you need to do more childcare during weekends and in the evenings than she does. My DH takes full care during the evenings after work, for example, and I bf overnight for equivalent no of hours