Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

It's not a competition for who has harder work.

DH and I have a lot of freedom and often go out without each other in the evening, or even on holiday separately. But we always ask each other before making plans. It's rare either of us say no unless there's a clash but it's polite in a partnership isn't it?

What I think you wife should do is, for the next weekend, leave you to "bond" with the children all day and have those lovely naps, while she is available only for breastfeeding. I am sure you will feel fully rested after that.

Of course you can play football after work. You can do that every single Monday. Doesn't mean your wife was unreasonable to expect you to check it was OK to do so with no notice.

You should both have the freedom to have that kind of leisure time. You do not currently have the freedom to do so so spontaneously.

Of course you need to ask not assume. Because if she did the same, who would look after the kids if you both picked the same 90 mins?

This.

I have rarely if ever asked my DH to cancel a plan, but he checks with me and I with him.

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.

How was it way in advance when you only mentioned it that day? Besides, it will be the assumption that grates more than anything else.

I think when you have young children you do need to check - as not checking assumes that she will be caring for the children, which is an annoying assumption.

With a six month old baby, she probably feels she can’t just pop put for the evening at short notice - and, being alone all day and then realising it will be all evening… then onto another day of being all alone etc.

As others have said - you are assuming she is the default parent.

It’s just basic consideration for one parent to run a plan past the other beforehand (and not just an hour beforehand).

Ask permission? No. Discuss it as part of a partnership? Yes

I would suggest you look after the kids for a prolonged period of time, including a night if she's able to pump and see how stress free and relaxed you are.

So you say that you’d look after the kids if she wanted to do similar. So she’d need to ask if you were ok to do that. You didn’t extend her the same courtesy, you just assumed she’d be there to do it all. It is such hard work being a sahp and it sounds like you really don’t appreciate this at all.

I think your wife is being unreasonable. I didn’t expect DH to run everything past me. If he’d been invited somewhere or asked to play football I’d have been happy he was having a break and enjoying himself. Marriage is about give and take, compromise.

The man is always in the wrong on MN though no matter what he does.

This sort of thing is what ended my marriage. He wasn’t abusive or cruel, he was just completely oblivious.

Small children need to be supervised at all times and (outside of your work hours if she’s a sahm) you both have equal responsibility for them.

If you both just make plans without consulting the other one then social services will be called because the children are left unsupervised. So you can’t use this as the way to plan time out. You either need to discuss it each time, or have a regular night each.

If you love your wife and want your marriage to last, I would really strongly recommend you thinking about why you didn’t realise this. Because my guess would be that somewhere you have an underlying assumption that your wife is responsible for the kids, in a way that you are not.

Oh come on. This guy thinks that looking after a three year old and a six month old is akin to having a spa day. All that "napping" and "bonding"!

Note how she spends the day bonding with the kids with zero workload. But somehow once you get home the workload at home is intensive. And yet despite how intensive your share in the evening is, you didn't tho j you'd have to ask her to cover your share? So which is it, you do loads in the evening and never get a moment in which case she's justified to be pissed off you've dumped it all on her. Or your contribution is so insignificant that you can just go out for the evening without asking her is she happy to carry your load?

Anyway it's not about the 90 mins, it's the assumption, the default parent and I imagine the attitude that you have it harder than her. 2 pregnancies in 3 years- I doubt it mate.

Work (office type work) is much, much easier than looking after small children. Work is a lovely break compared to looking after small children.

Have you ever looked after them both on your own? I'm guessing not.

And yes, of course you should ask before you book anything. You should both get the same amount of free time, so you should be able to do fun stuff if she can too. But it's polite to ask, because you're basically saying she's doing dinner and bedtime by herself that day, after a day of parenting. And that is not fun.

My DH agreed with you until he took parental leave for a couple of months.
He has said "never again".

You will get pelters in here because you are a man but I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s 90 minutes. Your wife is being unreasonable

“Attending meetings” vs breastfeeding with a toddler around, are you kidding me?

This must be a reverse!

Have you spent much time looking after a three year old whilst breastfeeding a six month old? And then your DH says "Oh by the way I'm out tonight"

My DH is also a software developer.

I remember maternity leave being desperately jealous that he got to leave the house, talk to other people, use his brain, make a cup of tea now and then, take his full lunch hour for a stroll along the river and earn full pay. While I was puked on and screamed at and bitten all day long, having had no sleep all night, on statutory mat pay, worried about whether my career would ever recover.

Just check in and agree plans in advance. Once you have children, nobody gets to just fuck off doing whatever they want with no notice, on the assumption the other partner will cheerfully hold the fort by default.

Yeah, I must have missed the bit where he mentioned a spa day…

I’ve been there, done that - still got the better end of the deal than my DH did. Would rather spend the day looking after a three year old and a six month old, yes. No question.

Yes - with a third child home as well.

Obviously it would bother you. Other people will feel differently and don’t see it as a big deal.

But his wife clearly does. And it is she who we are talking about.

It’s not about seeking permission, it’s that you assume you are not the default parent. If your wife did this and told you she was hopping off for 90 mins at the most difficult end of the day, wouldn’t you expect a conversation about it rather than to be told?

Judging by this thread it would annoy the majority. Including the OP’s DW.

For me, and possibly for her, it’s not about him going out - it’s springing it in her at little notice, coupled with his complete dismissal of what being at home (and not even her own home) with 2 young children can be like.