Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

She might have if he’d asked, instead of assuming she’d be fine to carry on solo parenting. The parent contract most of us expect is two parents on duty and we support each other to go out, but we expect that to be recognised, and to understand that the other parent doesn’t always want to support you by single parenting, maybe it was a rough day. Not asking is taking your partner for granted. Having decided her life is easier than yours when you’ve never taken care of them for a week yourself is a dick move. Give her the night off op, book it in and if she’s too tired to go out she can stay home with a book and a bath and a glass of wine and do nothing for the kids or the tidying etc, you do it all, see how your evening goes and how you feel about that being your all day every day.

Sorry edited as wrong thread

Ha ha you’re on holiday comparing to her, I’ve done both so I know what I’m talking about

I put YABU for not checking with her first, but YANBU for wanting to spend some time out of the house/work. However, as others have probably already said, you are massively underestimating the exhaustion, and possibly even depression due to the hormonal nuclear bomb your wife is going through. She is unlikely to 'be herself' for a while and needs you more than ever. I'm speaking from experience of having a baby and 2 year old on mat leave. I was so lonely, exhausted and depressed, it was one of the worst times of my life which feels sad to say because I love my kids more than anything. I didn't just look forward to my husband coming home, I NEEDED him to come home for my sanity. Maternity leave can be so, so tough emotionally and physically, even with "help" from parents.

I have a full time high stress corporate job but I’m not lying at all when I say returning to work full time after maternity leave felt like a holiday. Maternity leave was hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done - you can’t take your eyes off the kids for a second, you get no peace, no downtime, the anxiety is through the roof. When I could go to the office and just use the toilet by myself without planning it out I almost wept with relief. You are entirely unreasonable thinking she has it easier than you - I guess some women might experience maternity leave as fun and stress free but for most it’s boredom, drudgery, anxiety, loneliness and somehow never ever being alone. You’re not unreasonable in wanting an evening to play sports with your mates but this should have been planned with your partner and likewise you should have made her the offer that she should have an evening off too and you’ll stay in with the kids. Even if she just wants to shut herself in the bedroom with a novel and a box of quality street. The baby years are bloody hard - you two need to partner up and help each other through.

Once you have kids, you no longer just have one job. You have a second job, for which you and your partner are equally responsible: being there for your kids, providing them with physical and emotional care and ensuring your living environment is suitable. Yes I know some will say kids aren't a job, you do it out of love and of course you do, but it's still hard work, whether all that work is enjoyable and fulfilling or not.

Like with any job, you should ideally have time off. Time to yourself and time for hobbies is very important and ideally you should absolutely get to play football. But you have to schedule that time in so that you and your partner both know in advance what is happening and can flag up any issues. As many others here have said, a conversation in advance was needed, not to request permission but to check that your partner - who you can think of as a colleague - has the physical and emotional capacity to do the work whilst you are unavailable. Ideally you would both recognise the other's need for this and be a team.

This can’t be real surely. But just in case it is yes both parents should check with each other before arranging outside activities out of courtesy. Your wife is not the default parent you are equals

Do you actually she she gets to nap?
Do you really think it's not mentally draining mostly guessing what's wrong with 2 kids, who probably scream at the same time?
By the end of the day, she's going to be physically and mentally shattered especially if your kids are ones who like to be held and cuddled all day.
I did a proper "mans" job- the same as my ex husband did actually, and let me tell you- it's an absolute breeze compared to having 2 at home with me.
My kids are nicknamed the terrors by everyone who knows us because the kids go in opposite directions (and have since youngest was 9 months) and when they're together they're generally fighting.
Granted mine are slightly different in age- 3.5 and 19 months- but I don't think it's got harder! Its always been hard.
Not once have I ever managed a nap at the sane time as my kids, because my kids don't nap at the same time, or maybe they do, but when I'm driving somewhere.

When does she get time away?
Ideally, you should both have time to relax, but if neither of you are seeing each others days for the hard times contained within them, I don't know how resentment isn't going to set in with your relationship.

My advice is to try and actually support each other and lead with meeting each others needs as a conscious choice.

I have a stressful career where I work full time. I also have 2 children with a similar age gap and breastfed. I found looking after two very young kids more stressful than working. It's the complete lack of control - if I want something at work, I an usually make it happen. But there is absolutely no way that you can stop a hungry baby crying without immediately feeding them, even if you were about to eat or drink or shower. You can't help being late because one of them needs changing, then the other one needs the toilet, even though you're ready to leave. You can't make them nap. You can't understand why they're crying. It's an entire day of firefighting and responding quickly to very very demanding other people who quickly go ballistic when things don't go their exact way (eg the blue cup they want is in the dishwasher). The complete lack of autonomy, and ability to do things for yourself is mentally very difficult. I personally also found breastfeeding compounded this. Yes it looks easy sitting on the sofa watching TV but the mental strain of being the only person who can keep your baby alive, the only one they want, the lack of ability to just have an evening / night / day away (even if you don't especially want to) made me feel very trapped.

In contrast you can go to the toilet when you want, presumably have some control over what work you do when, when meetings are arranged, what you do on your lunch break etc.

When you are outside working hours you're equal parents. So you not being there (or her not being there) doubles the other person's workload. And it's not polite to double your partners workload without checking in with them first. Just like at work you don't tell people they're doing something, you ask them, even though they can't exactly say no, it's politeness. Like you don't tell your boss when you're on holiday, you request leave, even when it's a formality and it's going to be rubber stamped, because you recognise the impact on the rest of the team. By not asking her, you are basically saying her 'work' is so easy/ inconsequential that doing double the workload for a few hours at the end of the day is of no consequence and you don't really care.

Why don't you investigate sharing some of the paternity leave so you can see what it's like?

This thread is so ridiculous. For thousands of years women have done all the parenting. They are naturally better at parenting as that is their role. It’s the man’s job to provide of course parenting his children alone is more challenging to him than the woman. It’s only the millennial generation that don’t understand that. Thousands of years before that (and Gen Z as well) do understand that the parents have different roles and not everything can be completely equal all time the time with the amount of parenting tasks involved.

I know of one couple with a fair age gap (40M and 25F) with two under two and the woman is very much the trad wife type and the man is on a good salary and is the provider. He gets more freedom for example a night out each week but she gets stuff too though

Having DC does involve compromise and yes a curtailing of freedom.
You assumed DW would be available to care for DC.
I think often in relationships, dads arrange meetings, social activities without checking childcare and with the assumption that mums will be there to look after the kids.
Mums on the other hand usually make the assumption that they will have to look after the DC unless they make other arrangements first.
There's a significant difference in mindset.
Looking after young DC all day can be draining, physically and emotionally.
If you are breastfeeding there is also a impact on your body.
Living in someone else's house may not be as relaxing as what you think.
She may be lonely, desperate for conversation and looking forward to seeing you.
Do you spend anytime just the two of you? Will the parents babysit?
Of course it doesn't mean neither of you cant have time to yourself but as a couple with young DC, who will need someone to look after them , it is polite and considerate to check with your partner before making arrangements, it's also important to ensure you both get an equal amount of time to yourselves.
In reality it's not just 90 minutes, is it? I don't think 90 mins includes half time, then you need to travel, get changed, shower, and probably socialise afterwards. You won't just be out for 90mins.
I think you have to treat it as if you are both at work, her looking after DC, and you in paid employment, both roles contribute to your family, some days looking after DC will be harder, other days being at work is harder, we all have good and bad days. Housework and childcare need to shared equally at weekends and evenings.

Yes, it is compatible with a certain 'lack of freedom'. Playing football after work once a week is absolutely reasonable, but plan ahead and give fair warning. I know when my kids were small I would be counting down the minutes some days until I had adult help so a last minute sudden social thing for DH would be an unwelcome surprise, I'd have to readjust my plan for the day and I'd frankly be so envious.
Sort yourself out with a regular football 'date' with your friends and as your child breastfeeds less (with food introduction) sort out a time for your dw to get out for herself too. My dh did dinner and bathtime while i was out of the house sometimes and i was back to bf at bedtime.

Of course it is important for parents to have free time but it is the assumption which is rude.

You are jointly responsible for your child but you made the assumption that your wife would be happy to put in another solo parenting shift while you had an evening doing something fun for yourself.

How would you feel if she just got up unannounced and left you with the baby for an evening/weekend without doing you the courtesy of checking in with you first? How would you feel if you had ground out another mind numbingly difficult day with a screaming child without adult company, and were desperately looking forward to seeing your wife - and then she didn’t turn up. Genuinely, do try to see it from her perspective.

You are going to damage your relationship if you take your wife for granted in this way and position yourself as more entitled to free time because you think you are working harder. That way lies resentment and divorce.

The right way to do it is to have a conversation about what each of you needs, on the premise that you are each equally tied and each entitled to equal downtime on evenings and weekends. So you should have said to your wife “I’d really like to play football once a week - I think it will be good for me but also I think that it would be good for you to have some time off as well. How about I take the baby out every eg Saturday morning so you can meet your friends / go shopping / have a lie in and a peaceful morning. That way we both get a break”.

I promise you that that would have gone down an awful lot better than disappointing her at the last minute and then justifying it on the basis that she has an easy life….

@BringBackThe1990s? Bring back the 1950s more like. What a load of sexist twaddle. The only reason any man is worse at parenting than any woman is weaponised incompetence.

OP YANBU for wanting some time to play football, but YABU for not giving your wife much notice and for all the crap you came out with comparing your roles like it’s some kind of competition. Of course you need to ask your wife if it’s ok for you to go out! What if she’d decided to go out for 90 minutes at the same time and not checked with you?

I’m not disagreeing with that and have said in another post that a stressful job is less exhausting that being with a baby and toddler all day.

I’m taking issue with the poster who seemed to think that public sector = low stress/ demand compared to private, which in my experience isn’t the case.

This is the biggest load of rubbish I’ve ever seen!

Men who think childcare is harder for them than their partner are kidding themselves. It just is hard work.

I'm reading it as wife did not say he couldn't, just that she was (rightly) annoyed he didn't discuss it with her first.
With DS at 6 mo, I was desperate for that adult company and touched out needing the space.

I suspect that the OP has left for a more male space that might be sympathetic.

Being a family is not inherently incompatible with freedom. Even when the kids are very small it's perfectly possible to come to an agreement that each parent has an equal amount of time to themselves.

But if your wife is anything like my ex, then maybe she doesn't want any time to herself. If so, then that's a compatibility issue that you can perhaps work on, but so long as it remains the case, you can't go and play football for a couple of hours because that would mean you don't have an equal amount of time to yourselves.

Also you're in the same trade as me, and unless you've got a really shitty employer, you've got to admit it's a good gig. There's a strong argument that you've already got 40+ hours a week to yourself.

My kids are 9 and 11. I go for a quick run every morning at the same time. I still check in with my DH every time, to let him know he is in charge for a bit and in case it's inconvenient for some reason. It's called being caring and considerate. OP, you are thoughtless and inconsiderate.

I was going to give you hell, until I read that you're staying with her parents and she doesn't have to do housework. That changes a lot for me, and I think she is actually being quite unreasonable.

He might still come back to tell us all how busy he's been at work

I bet he has a "big" job whatever the hell that expression means.

Weaponised incompetence oh please. Of course it’s harder for men as women naturally have the motherly role, that’s their entire role

Their "entire role". Jesus Christ. Who has views like this in 2025?