Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

Too tired 😅 he’s always been far more outgoing, whereas I’d be happy curled up at home with a book, so he’d often take them for a few hours on a weekend so I could do that. I do now go to Pilates though 😃

Plus night wakings remember!

You can’t understand it properly unless you’re also being subjected to the torture of night wakings for a prolonged period.

Oh dear OP. You are feeling very hard done by aren’t you diddums. Parenting and parenthood are hard, rewarding but hard. you get to go out and ‘escape’ the drudgery of being down in the trenches daily. Your brain can and does focus on other things each day. Currently, your wife is living in Groundhog Day.

This is what your dear wife is going through.

Isolation and long days: While you’re in meetings, she’s at home with a baby and toddler who are fully dependent on her. Adults underestimate how lonely this can feel. Maternity leave isn’t a break — it’s a different kind of full-time job with no real off-switch.
Postpartum physical and emotional state: At 6 months, her body is still recovering from pregnancy and birth. Hormones, breastfeeding demands, broken sleep, and possible anxieties about being a “good mother” all weigh heavily. These things can make even small disappointments feel much bigger.
Need for partnership, not just practical help: She sees you as her partner in this intense season, not just as a co-parent who steps in after work. When you made plans without checking in, it might not have been about the football itself — it likely triggered a deeper feeling of being “on her own” with the kids, and of not being seen as equally important in the decision-making.
Emotional significance of time together: Her request to walk as a family after work wasn’t only about exercise — it was about connection. To her, that’s the highlight of the day: you’re finally home, and she wants to share that as a family unit. When you chose football instead, she may have experienced it as rejection, even if that wasn’t your intention.
Why it feels like she wants “permission” granted: From her perspective, it’s not about control. It’s about fairness and shared responsibility. She probably feels like she always has to account for her movements — arranging feeding schedules, naps, or childcare before she can step out — so she wants the same consideration from you.

So while you’re looking at this as: “I gave her notice, why isn’t that enough?”
She may be feeling: “I needed you with me and the kids tonight. You didn’t check in with me, you just told me, and I felt like an afterthought.”
It’s not that she doesn’t want you to have a life outside of parenting — she probably wants that balance for both of you. But right now, with two small children and especially a breastfed baby, the scale is heavily tipped toward her, and she may be yearning for acknowledgment, reassurance, and shared decision-making more than anything.

Permission isn't the issue. Preparation is.

Whilst he has fixed hours for works, so, in effect, does she - she is on mat leave from her job only.

Someone has to be responsible for the kids 24/7. During his working hours, that's her. During the rest of the time, they have to agree.

Frankly, it's pigheadedly stupid to see it as fair that he just gets to spring an extra evening on her ad hoc. She can't exactly say, "right mate, off for a haircut midday Wednesday, you'll have the kids, I don't need PERMISSION" can she?

Op hasn’t posted again but I’m not even sure the wife said he couldn’t go, just got upset about not being asked if it was ok…

Yes, that's correct, freedom is halted until the youngest is about 3.
By 2027, you can play football again.

Another thread where the OP didn’t get responses they wanted and therefore never to be seen again?? 🙄

Yes, the response seems a bit red flag to me too. Not going at all and making her feel guilty about it - manipulative.

@EmeraldShamrock000

no, that’s wrong. A person cannot go three years without having any time for themselves.

Again, freedom in this case means cooperation and respect.

Not just swanning off when you feel like it.

Why would you not seek permission? Outside normal work hours the children are a joint responsibility, so either parent needs to seek permission from the other if they want to go off and do something. What would happen if the DW unilaterally decided to go out on the same night?

when was the last time you planned something to do with her? Without the children? That is probably where the issue is. Time alone as a couple, time to yourselves while the other watches the children and time as a family are all important but if you’re not doing the quality time with her and as a family of course she will begrudge you having time to yourself. Also, your day isn’t more stressful. I regularly say ‘my life was so much less stressful when I worked full time’ and I did have a job that is considered one of the most stressful but it pales in comparison to looking after small children.

Did you not notice how he claims his wife doesn’t apparently have to do anything because they’re living with parents, but he says that he does have to help with cooking/housework/garden? Bit strange. I suspect that the wife does in fact have to do those things too.

Wow just wow. He’s still doing stuff with and for the kids when he gets home as well! 90 mins out of what, a few years (as it sounds to me like the 1st time he’s wanted to do something alone) is laughable that she made him feel bad! Ridiculous

You’re a family. You need to coordinate your family schedule. You can’t just “let her know”.

I’m willing to bet that she doesn’t want to grant permission as such, it’s that you thought you could just do what you liked without discussing it with her. She would probably be fine with it if you actually had a discussion with her, including about when she gets time to herself. My husband and I both have a lot of hobbies, and we make time for them by discussing and coordinating with each other. I wouldn’t dream of just telling him that I’m off, neither would he. It’s not about permission, it’s about being considerate.
How would you feel if one night she just waltzed out the door as soon as you got home, without any discussion?

Years later: ‘the divorce came out of nowhere’

She could have put her feelings across better maybe but who knows what the conversation actually was.

Your point though - you really think that he spends a focused hour and a half with both his children on his own? Highly unlikely.

So, the solution, which I'm sure has been pointed out by now is to actually have a conversation about who does what and when. And to keep their sense of entitlement zipped away while doing it.

Putting aside whose day is more stressful 🙄

Of course you should ask. She would have to ask you, wouldn't she?

Hi op,

firstly, thanks for being bothered 👌🏻 that always goes a long way.

Then to answer bluntly, yeah you lost your freedom the second baby1 came along…just like the rest of us. You don’t feel it so much because babies are really with mom and you carried on working so from your perspective, they are an addition and not so much of a shift…yet.
on the other hand for your spouse it is the complete opposite and her word just collapsed into motherhood and deal with the stress of it probably not being able to do half the things she wants.
To answer, yes you need to ask because she might have needed something so it is courtesy. This doesn’t point at a lack of freedom but more of an understanding that there are currently three other persons relying on you coming home. Is it normal? To ask yes. To be told no all the time, no. The answer, share! Whatever you crave, she does too. Arrange within yourself. Don’t look at others. She is the mother and caring for babes…you need to do what she needs.

Good luck!

OP you’ve come to the wrong place, MN is full of man-haters who expect you to go out to work to earn money for both of you (what’s yours is hers, what’s hers is hers), and then do all the childcare when you come back.

it’s perfectly fine for you to play football once a week, you can of course offer to baby sit so she has equivalent time away. But, it may be time with you which she actually wants as she needs adult interaction (and to be clear one evening a week isn’t going to make any difference towards that).

Fathers don’t babysit their own children.

MN isn’t full of man-haters. They don’t have much time for the kind of men who think they babysit their own children, though, and rightly so.

You cannot babysit your own children. It is called parenting.

I had 3 kids under 5 at one point and would never have told my husband he couldn't have a bit of time to himself. We both had a bit of downtime each week. It was hard work but I think its healthy for both to have a few hours off. I'm sorry if it goes against the majority but I agree with you. However you should have 'asked', the breastfeeding months can be awful as well as lovely.

Yes 90 mins should be doable, yes it's fair to ask and sort out in advance. No if it's one sided. I do think looking after 2 kids can be stressful but there's a lot of variables there. Personally I at one time looked after 3 a 5 yrs, 2yrs & 9mnth and didn't particularly find it stressful (however the school was very close which helped and 2 out of the 3 were easy) now if my OH said that to me I'd say go for it but if I'd wasn't asked id be pixxed off.

This thread has just made me realise why I am enjoying being single and not having to ask anyone what i do !