Marriage/motherhood warning list

[Someoneshouldatoldme]

Based on many many threads here and my own lived experience, shouldn't we warn all daughters and women pre-marriage or motherhood so that they really know what they'regetting into? I'll list a few, feel free to add:

1. Don't have a child with ANYONE at all unless you know you can manage as a single parent

1. If your husband tells you they want a child and will look after them as well as you, assume they mean occasional fun times and some cooking. (If you're proven wrong, you'll be delighted)

1. Your husband might become your biggest problem once you are pregnant or with a child. Even the 'nicest' guys can (and many will) turn emotionally or physically abusive at this time. You might end up seriously hurt. Many will cheat.

1. Never assume his money is family money. He might pretend for years that it is, only for you to find out that it isnt.

Any others?

Do not give up work to be a Sahm unless you are independently wealthy or married. Even if you are those things it is such a risky move and so many things have to go right for it to work out. It is much easier to abuse and control a woman with dependants and few options to afford life on her own.

Too many women on here split with a partner and they have no job, no money, no claim to a house because they’re not on the mortgage. Being a working mum is hard, being a mum with not a penny to your name and no roof over your head is far harder.

I suppose the advice I would give to men also applies to women. Never put yourself in the position that means you can't leave the relationship immediately if you want to. (If you are likely to be much better off then the other person, that means you definitely do not marry them.)

Ironically, the knowledge that you can and will leave the relationship immediately if dissatisfied makes it less likely that the other person will behave badly.

When settling down with a man remember his parents will be your future child’s grandparents before committing 😬

I’m not sure I agree. For your second one (assuming your partner will do limited “fun” parenting and a bit of cooking), I simply wouldn’t have children if my assumption was that I’d do the majority of the parenting and the housework. And I would never advise my DDs to do that either. I am not going to advise them be delighted if their partner does slightly more than the bare minimum.

My advice would simply be, always try to ensure you could manage on your own if you have to, for whatever reason.

The advice for men and women is not the same, sorry. Women need far, far more awareness how vulnerable motherhood and their biology makes them. Male experience just doesn't compare.

If you're the higher earner / have significant assets, don't get married!

As I’ve said many times on here before, if he won’t clean the bathroom before you have kids he probably won’t change nappies after.

That delighted bit was tongue in cheek. My point is: men promise they do EVERYTHING once baby is here. Reality is most will do about 1/3 of all child and home related chores. And thats a 'good man'.
We need to go into these situations eyes wide open.

Yes I totally agree. I say this as someone who has been married twice.

luckily I had a good career but it was horrible being financially and emotionally alone.

that wasn’t even a bad marriage with any abuse. He was just useless.

People saying that women should be married to protect them financially. Some saying that high earners shouldn't marry. Wondering how that works out?!

Change the first one to “don’t have sex with anyone” and the job’s a goodun

If you have ideas about being a SAHP, make sure you have your own savings and are married to a high earner who is fully on board with supporting you.

Do not continue to be a SAHP when all your children are settled into primary school, no matter how much he earns.

Use sunscreen on your hands every day.

This sounds quite unpleasant tbh. Behave or I’ll walk away? There must be legal ways of protecting money if you are worried.

Just take your time. Really get to know the person you are choosing to have kids with. So many posts on here from women who have procreated with men they have known a few months…. and don’t give me guff about contraceptive ‘accidents’. (Which seems to be running at about 700 x the national average).. contraception only works if you use it in accordance with the instructions.

Discuss finances before you commit to marriage or children. Few women benefit from 50/50 when DC are on the scene.

DC drastically impact your earning potential. The wage gap is real, and maternity leave plays a huge part.

Very few (if any) people want a short maternity leave once they actually have the baby.

Always have an emergency fund. You can't afford a holiday if you don't have one.

Birth is something you have to prepare and train for. Even then, so much of it is out of our control.

Don't have more children than you can manage / afford as a single parent. Even in the most secure marriage, unfortunately accidents happen.

There's a difference between wanting another baby, and having the emotional, mental, physical and financial capacity for one.

Before you marry or have a baby with someone, ask yourself:

If the worst did happen and we broke up, what kind of ex would he be? A lot of very loyal loving partners are also bitter, grudge holding arseholes the minute they stop being your partner.

Is this a person I can have a proper, constructive conversation with when we don’t see eye to eye? Are you both able to admit when you’re wrong, and will the other accept that graciously rather than lording it over you?

Is this the person I can rely on when the worst things in life happen to us? When I’m at my lowest can and will they step up, or will
I always be the one having to hold everything together?

Staying together for the kids does them way more damage than a divorce unless you’re very very good at pretending. Most people are not as good at keeping up appearances as they think they are and children pick up on so much.

I remember the day my mum kicked my dad out and I remember it as a good day! Love them both but she needed rid of him and her dumping him was the kick up the arse he needed to sober up and (eventually) become a good dad and excellent grandad.

A partner is not your boss and has no right to tell you what to do.

Don't give up your friends on a partner's say so. You'll need them.

Only you decide on how you dress.

Jealousy is not love, it's ownership.

Someone who criticises you doesn't love you.

A vagina doesn't operate home appliances, hands do, and both men and women have them.

Sex should only take place with your enthusiastic consent. Never do it to appease someone.

Staying "for the children" can fuck said children up.

It’s not a given that you will have children. You might not want them, or your partner might not, or you might not be able to have them.

Children can’t save a shitty relationship.

How your partner treats their current family will be how they likely treat their future family.

If you need help, would your partner be the first person you think to call. If not, 🚩

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck.

And - stolen/paraphrased from another thread - if you have to write a MN post about your partner that in itself is cause for alarm.

• If you’re unmarried, give your children your surname. Especially if there doesn’t seem to be any indication of marriage in the future.

• f you’re married and you choose to be a SAHM make sure you have full oversight and understanding of the family finances (as in make sure you know what’s going in/out and of all accounts).

• If you have vastly different attitudes to money (saver v spender) consider very carefully if you’ll be compatible. It’s much easier to build a life with someone with the same attitude to money as you.

• for the love of god make sure you’re on the house deeds/mortgage.

Never place your financial future in the hands of anyone else. Ever.
Keep a “fuck off fund”,so you can leave if you need to. I didn’t the first time, and I massively regretted it. I have it the second time and I have never needed it but also never regretted having it.

My experience is that guarantees nothing. Was with him for 8 years before babies. Had pets and saw how he was with them. All good. Said the right things.
When babies were here, all changed. He evidently no idea parenthood meant sacrificing my attention, energy, fun, bodyshape, income etc.. All became my fault. And my responsibility. So i wish i would have known..

Always have your own pension and savings even if sahp. Money that cant be accessed by other half - works both ways

Never assume your life will be the same pre baby. It will not.
Choose carefully about who you pro create with.
ALWAYS have a backup plan.
Women overall, have done and will always make more sacrifices for their kids, more than men ever will.
Put your existing children first. Please because if you don't then noone else will. There are a lot of parents out there who are so wrapped up in themselves they forget about this.

It’s so hard though because so many women don’t want to hear these things. Have seen it with women close to me. You really can only be there when it falls apart and resist the urge to say “I tried to tell you”.