Marriage/motherhood warning list

[Someoneshouldatoldme]

Based on many many threads here and my own lived experience, shouldn't we warn all daughters and women pre-marriage or motherhood so that they really know what they'regetting into? I'll list a few, feel free to add:

1. Don't have a child with ANYONE at all unless you know you can manage as a single parent

1. If your husband tells you they want a child and will look after them as well as you, assume they mean occasional fun times and some cooking. (If you're proven wrong, you'll be delighted)

1. Your husband might become your biggest problem once you are pregnant or with a child. Even the 'nicest' guys can (and many will) turn emotionally or physically abusive at this time. You might end up seriously hurt. Many will cheat.

1. Never assume his money is family money. He might pretend for years that it is, only for you to find out that it isnt.

Any others?

1. Don't marry or have children with anyone who is cruel in arguments. Imagine what they are like to divorce.
2. Pay attention to how your partner treats his family and particularly his mother. If he treats them like servants, he will treat you like this.
3. Don't marry someone who can't cook/clean or look after himself. You will have another child to manage
4. Don't ignore signs that someone has a drink or substance abuse problem. It won't improve while they are looking after small children.
5. Don't think you can change someone/knock off the rough edges. They won't improve once you're married.
6. Never, ever give up your job completely. Even if you're married. If you have to scale back work, keep your hand in.
7. Have a really open and honest discussion about finances and children before you get married. Be really clear about what it is you want.
8. Your partner is not your boss and you don't have to obey him.
9. Even if you're married, nothing is irreversible. Staying in a miserable marriage for the children is almost always worse than coparenting amicably.

Known what? You were with him for 8 years, you didn’t exactly rush into things! Do not blame yourself. People change, sometimes in really awful ways that you could not predict.

1. You are not just choosing a man to have a baby with, you are saddling the child with that man as their father for the rest of their life. Unless you are confident that the child would thank you for choosing well, don't do it.

1. Have an escape fund that the man cannot access and preferably doesn't know about.

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper
it’s a legal contact

don’t give up work have a baby / stay at home unless your on the deeds / mortgage

watch how your partner treats staff in restaurants bars shops

is he nice or rude to them because that’s how he will be to you probably

look at his parents relationship because he is probably going to try and model the relationship they had

If he isn’t clean and tidy in his own space he won’t be any better when you live together

would you like him to be your father 😂
if not why have him as the father of your own kids
your setting them up for a lifetime of misery

my friends son has basically married his mother ( very controlling )
she is married to her dad ( complete asshole )

not really married their parents but their partners are so similar to there own parents it’s laughable as they are both no contact
/ very low with their parents as they can’t stand them. Yet they have picked very similar partners

Ive given them 5 years tops in my head - if that

Learn to drive unless medically contraindicated.

I know, long time for tests, and so on.

Just do it. Look how many women come on here and lack independence and can't escape poor relationships because they can't drive.

Take responsibility for your choices. Almost always a woman turns a blind eye and then cries about ‘it came out of the blue’. No the flags are there.

Also jump onto every man you see if you have kids. They do not need a man in the house, you need him.

Only have kids with someone who loves you more than you love them. The only marriages I know who are happy post kids are where the men are completely besotted with their wives, and the wives love their husbands but could happily live without them. Never love your husband/partner more than he loves you.

Only marry him if he’s a higher earner than you/has more assets etc.

Always have your own bank accounts/money.

Make sure your partner understands there is a financial cost to domestic labour. He either contributes physically or financially to the upkeep of a household. If he earns/works less, he does more to maintain the house and manage the children.

Discussion is one thing. Putting it on paper is another. Aside from being married, I would recommend that any woman considering motherhood should get all the empty promises in writing and have it stamped by the courts.

Talk is cheap. Promises mean nothing.

So many stories here about men walking out because they do an about-turn and decide maybe parenthood and responsibility isn't for them after all. And who's left holding the baby ....?

Newsflash... women choosing not to have children and male politicians scratching their heads and wondering why.

The motherhood penalty is massive and it's not worth it. Not by a long chalk.

I really wonder what Happened to you to be so bitter.

I wish I had understood a bit more about the importance of money in a relationship.

I grew up during the ‘girl boss feminist’ era. Which has many positive aspects but the emphasis on full self-reliance blinded me to the fact that it’s important to marry someone who shares your ambition and work ethic, not a lazy so-and-so who’s looking for a free ride.

I also failed to clock when younger the unpalatable reality that generational wealth is the real ticket to security and a nice lifestyle. So if you don’t come from generational wealth, marrying it is a smart choice.

I can see where you’re coming from. Obviously. But I also think starting out in a marriage as if it’s a war and you need to protect yourself isn’t a great starting point either. You should be a team with your DH. I think the messaging should be more along the lines of that marriage and parenting is hard and open and honest discussions will need to be had along the way with your DH to make a marriage and parenting work. I do see why you want to emphasise the protect yourself message though, but there still are some good men out there.

@HerecomesMargo

I really wonder what Happened to you to be so bitter.

What is bitter about making sure that you understand the financial risks and contractual pitfalls of marriage and relationships? If you think being aware of this and savvy about how you approach it is "bitter" you are being naive.

Men can (and do) leave relationships immediately if dissatisfied all the time, even with children on the scene.
The point of this thread does not apply to men at all, because they are rarely the default parent, the one who has the mental load, the one who is affected physically by bearing children, the one whose career often suffers post children, the one who tends to put the needs of others in her family before herself.

Do not accept having a lower standard of living than your life partner. Money needs to be family money if you are going to have a family. So many women on here are scraping by on child benefit and their savings and can't afford to buy anything for themselves while he buys expensive clothes or gadgets every month.

Do not fall into the trap of him covering the major bills while you buy everything for the kids. This means an extra mental as well as financial load.

Ask him what he thinks about feminism and what he thinks about the inequalities that mothers face. Does he think maternity leave Is hard or easy. Would he take shared parental leave or go part time. How flexible is his job and is he prepared to ask for flexibility. What does he think about the kids taking your name.

Make sure once the baby is born that he regularly spends one to one time caring competently for them. Give him responsibility for child admin tasks from the very start.

Assess whether he feels entitled to your body. Assess very carefully if you should have a child with someone who is on their phone, games, or uses porn or drugs or alcohol to excess.

We should write a handbook

1. dont pay rent to a man who won’t put you on the deeds
2. don’t have kids before marriage - you have zero protection. If either of you are not ready for marriage you are not ready for children
3. don’t stop working even if he earns more - stay part time at the very least
4. Discuss finances every fortnight before you bring kids into the mix. If you think it’s unromantic - it’s not - it’s sensible way to raise new humans

@HerecomesMargo is a man.

Not always. Many men put the effort in to woo their girlfriends up to the point of her being pregnant or having a newborn. Then they feel sad and let down because they are no longer the centre of attention and they don’t have sex as much as they’d like. They feel short changed and their behaviour changes. Tale as old as time.

Oh gosh, that’s a surprise.
Said no one at all 😂

I think you're right...

The word "bitter" is the giveaway. Incel shorthand for "woman who has critical thinking skills".

Make sure you don't expect stay at home or part time working mothers to take care of all domestic and childcare related duties and make sure that he doesn't expect that either.

Agree on equal leisure time before the baby is born.

Make sure that his household duties include daily, monotonous or 'gross' tasks before and after kids. I have met two couples whose kids were born in the last decade where the dad never ever changed a nappy.

My mum always told me to make sure a baby shares a surname with me, so that if I end up a single parent, he can't leave me holding the baby while he holds the glory.

I'm glad I took her advice.

1. know that lots of men love the idea of kids - makes them feel manly - but the reality is they mostly see it as the woman’s job - even the most enlightened. You have to talk about everything before a baby arrives
2. childcare costs should be % from each parent - default shouldn’t be woman gives up income as it doesn’t cover childcare - the man should pay so woman doesn’t lose future earning potential, pension etc

Yes, but they will have a different experience that brings its own challenges with it. For instance, first baby comes and DP/DH is no longer the main focus. That must be hard. I think @RetiredMan makes some good points, especially being able to up and leave if you need to and that you are less likely to be treated badly if you have autonomy and the ability to just go.

How are you meant to KNOW you can parent solo before you have any parenting experience?

Remember forums are full of people who have problems, so it’s skewed.