Marriage/motherhood warning list

[Someoneshouldatoldme]

Based on many many threads here and my own lived experience, shouldn't we warn all daughters and women pre-marriage or motherhood so that they really know what they'regetting into? I'll list a few, feel free to add:

1. Don't have a child with ANYONE at all unless you know you can manage as a single parent

1. If your husband tells you they want a child and will look after them as well as you, assume they mean occasional fun times and some cooking. (If you're proven wrong, you'll be delighted)

1. Your husband might become your biggest problem once you are pregnant or with a child. Even the 'nicest' guys can (and many will) turn emotionally or physically abusive at this time. You might end up seriously hurt. Many will cheat.

1. Never assume his money is family money. He might pretend for years that it is, only for you to find out that it isnt.

Any others?

Thought of another one:
Romantic comedies and chic lit (does anyone even read that stuff anymore!) is not a true representation of men and how they are. If you want to know what men are like when married, look to couples with kids around you. How many men pull their weight? How many of the women seem exhausted?
Most likely yours wont be an exception to the rule.

I think by parent solo we mean - can you afford to raise a child on your own

Being married is no guarantee of financial equality or 50% of any split
Yoy cant have what they have not got and many are good at disposing of your money or hiding it

Don't have a baby with a man who can't manage his own life - stay in a job, save money, sort out his own personal admin, sort out house issues, cook and clean.

Don't have a baby with a man unless you're happy for the baby to turn out just like the man - whether through nature or nurture.

Ask what he expects paternity leave will be like and how will he spend the time.

Is he keen to learn about how to support you in the birth process. Will he attend antenatal classes with you.

If you intend to breastfeed your baby, what does he think about breastfeeding and is he keen to learn how to support you.

Is he prepared to support with night waking. How is your post partum welfare going to be his priority.

Does he engage with your friends and family and encourage you to spend time with them. Does he have a healthy relationship with his own family. Can he say no to his parents and put you first. Are they supportive or judgemental.

I think it basically means make sure you have the capability financially to support a baby solo and the mental resilience to be ready to do it.

There are no guarantees on the last point but knowing you can work enough to keep a roof over the baby's head is pretty critical.

I think for me it would be advising my daughter to have children with a man who actively wants children himself, rather than a man who is happy to have children if she wants to or who she can convince to have them. And then have a really good think about the person and make sure you’d be totally content if your son turned out like that man, or if your daughter were to herself marry a man like that. Easier said than done and I know it’s difficult for women especially with age & a ticking clock but those would be my crucial bits of advice.

Lots of men go along with kids, are convinced into it, or do to it to keep their partner happy- that is where disaster lies. Children are amazing but they are a bomb to your life, they are hard work, they take up every bit of time, energy & patience you have day in and day out- you have to really really want them to make that worthwhile and prevent resentment, it’s too big a thing to compromise on. If it’s not a 100% enthusiastic off your own back yes,
it’s a no.

It's safer for the woman to be the messier of the two in a heterosexual relationship. If you have a kid, societal judgment will push you to become more domestic as a woman. It doesn't matter if the health visitor sees dad in a messy house or the toddler is in stained clothes at the park - isn't he great for just looking after his own kids 🙄Society expects the minimum from dads but perfection from mums - if he is messy and lazy there will be no external pressure for him to change

On the contrary. I have a wonderful (long term) marriage with a husband who thinks the world of me (and I of him). I just have a lot of friends who have been treated truly abhorrently by men who would be described by colleagues as ‘really great guys’.

I've often thought that I'm the only woman who has thought this (marry the man who is besotted with you). Glad to see I'm not the only one.

If he doesn't cook or clean before you get married & have kids, he won't after.

If he's not marrying you don't have a baby with him.

If his first commitment is to his season ticket/bike/golf clubs, you & the kids will always come second to that.

Too many men view their children as their wife's hobby, a thing she does that doesn't really have anything to do with them.

This is very true.

I think one of the most damaging and dangerous cliches in chick lit and rom coms is the ‘accidental pregnancy outside of a relationship or in the context of an on-off relationship - woman decides to keep the baby - man eventually falls in love with woman and commits to woman after baby arrives.’

This does NOT happen in real life. Yet on MN you see posts all the time from women who clearly hoped it would.

I don't agree. Forums are full of problems, because many people have problems.
For example, one woman is killed by a man every three days in uk only. Many of these are partners.
42% of uk marriages end in divorce.
58% of women say they have been cheated on according to yougov.
You do an honest mental survey of your own social group/family and you can identify many unhappy situations. Not saying all unhappiness is caused by men. Obviously. But as women, we need to look at the world with complete honesty and clarity. Nothing changes until we decide to take that lead.

@crrazysnakes

Too many men view their children as their wife's hobby, a thing she does that doesn't really have anything to do with them.

This. And expect the “hobby” to occupy her mind and soul to the exclusion of anything else and think she’s unreasonable for wanting to have a sentient and purposeful life.

I totally agree

At what point if you divorce do they get half??

I think the thing that needs saying is don’t ignore/be aware of red flags.

With every woman I know who has a shit partner years down the line, the warning signs were there, they just chose to ignore them. I know so many women that swear their partners/husbands were great years ago/before children, but they weren’t. They often say they used to be attentive, pulled their weight, were nice blokes etc, but it’s not true. Some women aren’t good at seeing the warning signs, others just sweep them under the carpet in the early stages.

Don’t assume a person will change or that you can change them. What you see is what you get.

I think many genuinely dont know what the red flags are. They are not taught in school, most are not taught at home, social media algorithm just gives you more of what you watch.
I definitely didn't know red flags. When i met my exh, a good man was one who didn't drink, didn't gamble and didn't cheat. Extra bonus if he was polite and a good conversationalist. Exh ticked all those boxes. It was only the cheating years later that opened my eyes to everything else. This is why i started this thread. We need to talk about what marriage and motherhood really is like before we enter it, so that we can enter it knowingly. Not with rose-tinted glasses and end up in difficult circumstances later.

So basically use common sense, but what are the warnings for men about women?

I do actually agree with every warnings you have given but this idea that women needs warnings but all women are just martyred saints is not true.

Women have 1 child then keep on having more then wonder why it all goes wrong

Funny you say that. I was just thinking about it. Im raising two sons mostly on my own and we talk a lot about feelings, life, responsibility etc.
I always tell them they need to look for a partner who they have common interests with. Who gets their humour and laughs with them. Who they can have interesting conversations with and who is honest. I also tell them if they will be a dad one day, they must split housework and childcare in the way that its fair for both, so that both can be happy and be themselves.
And even now they do chores at home, because i tell them im only one person and can't and dont want to clean up after everone else all the time.
But i still think its not the same for boys and girls. Women carry such heavy burdens. Many men just dont.

That was my first thought too! So much of this thread is actually quite bitter sounding!

i have daughters but i also have a son & i’m now thinking of what advice to give him so he can avoid certain women (like the daughters of posters on here following their “advice”) not all men are bad and out to cheat or to make their wives miserable or homeless or penniless!

Feel free to make another thread for that. But this is a predominantly women’s forum and the OP is asking what women should be warned of about men.

Totally agree with this. I'm not a man btw 🙄
It doesn't come out of nowhere.

Best thing we can do is empower our daughters. It's a life long lesson, begins when they are little. Way too many young girls aspire to nothing but having babies and getting to that pinnacle of life that is a 'proposal'
Education, self worth, strength. They need strong role models and to know that they ARE capable and do not ever need to 'rely' on a man or feel that they are 'less than' in any way.

How much do women do they choose to though, women dont have to keep on having children they dont need to spend hours and hours making sure everything is perfect, how much of the 'thought load' is women doing things they think they have to do and not essential?

How much drama do they put into the cliched 'school mums'

How much do women spend in their head taking on other people's dramas?