Page 4 | To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?

justabigdisco · 2025-08-30T17:30:07+00:00

I was woken last night by the bed shaking and my husband heavy breathing. I asked him WTF he was doing and he said ‘just trying to get comfy in bed’ however it was clear he was wanking next to me while I slept. There have been other episodes where I’ve been woken up and thought ‘is he…?’ but never been sure until last night. I haven’t said anything to him yet but have been thinking about it all day. He has a higher sex drive than me and I know this frustrates him, but AIBU to find it a bit gross and disrespectful?

Okthenguys · 30/08/2025 19:22

If I wasn’t in the mood I’d be glad he was sorting himself out. If I was in the mood I’d join in! But then as others have explained this is a very personal thing, and if it bothers you then you need to respectfully communicate that to him.

CaramelGhost · 30/08/2025 19:22

SummerEve · 30/08/2025 18:34

I don't think there is anything wrong with this. Why is it disrespectful? It certainly doesn't make him a pig.

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You don't think there is anything wrong with some engaging in sexual activity in the same bed as you, without consent? That aside, you'd be okay with someone shaking your bed and being noisy in your bed, for whatever reason, as you slept? Weird

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/08/2025 19:22

YANBU

I once woke up to the same thing, can't remember if it was before or after we got married. I was really uncomfortable about it and made sure he knew that. He's never done that since.

I would never masturbate with someone else in the same room without their consent, it's just grim. Unless it's part of foreplay etc. then it should be in private.

Bringmeahigherlove · 30/08/2025 19:23

whitewineandsun · 30/08/2025 18:34

I honestly don't see the problem. It's his bed too, and you were sleeping. But you're bound to get support. People on here seem to think men should hide away in the bathroom like teenage boys.

Pretty low standards when you wouldn’t mind your partner shaking the bed and having a heavy breathing wank whilst you lie there asleep.

SatsumaDog · 30/08/2025 19:24

Personally, I wouldn’t like it. Mostly because i don’t like being woken up. If you’re going to make noise and move the bed enough to wake me, then go and do it somewhere else that doesn’t disturb my sleep.

TY78910 · 30/08/2025 19:24

TheCurious0range · 30/08/2025 18:33

I think someone carrying out a sexual act in the same bed as you requires consent, he doesn't have yours and that's why you feel off about it

This. I have no issue with masturbation on a whole but that’s your own private time. Don’t be doing that next to someone that does not wish to participate, or doesn’t have a choice.

HangryLikeTheHulk · 30/08/2025 19:24

It’s better he’s doing it in bed and not in Waitrose

blackpooolrock · 30/08/2025 19:26

If any woman on here posted that her hubby was annoyed she was wanking and woke him up he would get dogs abuse and be told it’s her body, she can do what she wants , he’s controlling blah blah blah.

i wonder if any straight man has ever been annoyed he has been awoken by a masturbating woman? 🤷🏼‍♂️😅

I don’t think it’s gross or disgusting or any of those things… it might be surprising but that would be it.

im surprised many people say wanking is private… that suggests there’s some strange relationships out there

im sure he will love waking you at 3:30am to tell you he’s horny and is going to wank.

Hygbridghhh · 30/08/2025 19:26

justabigdisco · 30/08/2025 18:39

To be fair, no he doesn’t know that I know / how I feel. I think he was probably too embarrassed to say ‘just having a quick wank dear’

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Then it's still wrong if he's not got your consent when you are next to him.

Ilovegermany · 30/08/2025 19:26

I think if it woke me up, I would say “can I help you finish that?”

LaughingCat · 30/08/2025 19:26

This is a really interesting thread actually - there are two clear camps. @justabigdisco - you’re not going to get any clarity from this, are you because half of us are going ‘what’s the dang problem?’ and the other half are going ‘ditch the disrespectful fucker!’. Neither side right nor wrong, just different views on the subject but I’m now wondering what in life has pushed people in either direction. Is it upbringing or the society/values in which you now live, or an innate instinct? Absolutely fascinating.

My DH just said ‘wait, you masturbate in bed sometimes? Can you wake me up to join in, next time?’ Like no dude, I’m doing it to fall asleep, it’s not a participation sport unless you accidentally wake up 😂

Hygbridghhh · 30/08/2025 19:27

blackpooolrock · 30/08/2025 19:26

If any woman on here posted that her hubby was annoyed she was wanking and woke him up he would get dogs abuse and be told it’s her body, she can do what she wants , he’s controlling blah blah blah.

i wonder if any straight man has ever been annoyed he has been awoken by a masturbating woman? 🤷🏼‍♂️😅

I don’t think it’s gross or disgusting or any of those things… it might be surprising but that would be it.

im surprised many people say wanking is private… that suggests there’s some strange relationships out there

im sure he will love waking you at 3:30am to tell you he’s horny and is going to wank.

Edited

Consent to wankin next too someone while they sleep, yes

shuggles · 30/08/2025 19:27

@CaramelGhost You don't think there is anything wrong with some engaging in sexual activity in the same bed as you, without consent?

This perspective is a bit weird. His sexual activity doesn't involve his partner.

Imagine if someone made a post on mumsnet saying "my wife is playing with herself in our bed. I don't consent to this and I think she should leave our bed to do it."

LaughingCat · 30/08/2025 19:27

HangryLikeTheHulk · 30/08/2025 19:24

It’s better he’s doing it in bed and not in Waitrose

BRING BACK THE LAUGHING EMOJI MUMSNET!!!

Seriously constrained here. 😂

Hygbridghhh · 30/08/2025 19:28

LaughingCat · 30/08/2025 19:26

This is a really interesting thread actually - there are two clear camps. @justabigdisco - you’re not going to get any clarity from this, are you because half of us are going ‘what’s the dang problem?’ and the other half are going ‘ditch the disrespectful fucker!’. Neither side right nor wrong, just different views on the subject but I’m now wondering what in life has pushed people in either direction. Is it upbringing or the society/values in which you now live, or an innate instinct? Absolutely fascinating.

My DH just said ‘wait, you masturbate in bed sometimes? Can you wake me up to join in, next time?’ Like no dude, I’m doing it to fall asleep, it’s not a participation sport unless you accidentally wake up 😂

It's fine if your partner knows it is fine. Both camps are right. But those that don't see the problem have presumably communicated that at some point. Making it not two camps but one of communication

Hygbridghhh · 30/08/2025 19:30

shuggles · 30/08/2025 19:27

@CaramelGhost You don't think there is anything wrong with some engaging in sexual activity in the same bed as you, without consent?

This perspective is a bit weird. His sexual activity doesn't involve his partner.

Imagine if someone made a post on mumsnet saying "my wife is playing with herself in our bed. I don't consent to this and I think she should leave our bed to do it."

If he wasn't OK with it, then it wouldn't be OK

Squirrelblanket · 30/08/2025 19:30

The pearl clutching on this thread is hilarious. 😂

DiscoBob · 30/08/2025 19:30

I'd find it odd they did it in front of me. As I'd hope they'd want to do stuff with me rather than alone if I was available. But you were asleep. I don't think wanking is gross though. He is in his own bed too.

coravantexel · 30/08/2025 19:31

It’s disgusting and I can’t believe how many apologists are saying you should have given him a “flash” or whatever. Gross. You are not a sex doll, he is not a monkey and he presumably has (a) some self control, somewhere, and (b) the brainpower to find a private place to wank other than next to your unconscious body. He’s too embarrassed to apologise for it but not too embarrassed to jerk off somewhere else. I would feel violated by this - YANBU.

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 19:31

My wife doesn’t really want sex. She was asleep and I felt the urge so I just tried to have a crafty wank to then finally doze off. Unfortunately she woke up this one time, normally she doesn’t and she’s read me the riot act about how I should go stand in the cold bathroom. Aibu.

Well maybe change wife to husband and wonder how the response would go.

My husband doesn’t really want sex. He was asleep and I felt the urge so I just tried to have a crafty wank to then finally doze off. Unfortunately he woke up this one time, normally he doesn’t and he read me the riot act about how I should go stand in the cold bathroom. Aibu.

Probably get his having an affair if he doesn’t want sex, send him to see a doctor must be something wrong with him like low testosterone if he doesn’t want sex. LTB orgasms help sleep and happy
hormones.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 30/08/2025 19:31

Nah this wouldn't bother me. DH can crack one out if he likes as long as he doesn't spaff all over me in the process.

Don't tell me you have 'never had a walk in the bush down under' while you are in bed next to your sleeping DH? 😜

Ceceprincess80 · 30/08/2025 19:33

Erm, imo i would be upset as I have quite a high sex drive so would want to be involved. Its his bed too and if you are asleep, he is in a private area and is taking part in an act for himself. I suppose where else would he go? Living room? Bathroom? I would want to go to sleep afterwards so bed makes sense.

Claudiebus · 30/08/2025 19:33

Hygbridghhh · 30/08/2025 19:26

Then it's still wrong if he's not got your consent when you are next to him.

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He’s got a higher sex drive and gets stick for ‘managing’things when he thinks she’s asleep. He’s supposed to wake her and ask her if she agrees for him to wank in the middle of the night? If I were him( I’m a woman) I’d want my own room.

nam3c4ang3 · 30/08/2025 19:33

Doesn’t bother me - but what matters is it bothers you.

TY78910 · 30/08/2025 19:34

BettysRoasties · 30/08/2025 19:31

My wife doesn’t really want sex. She was asleep and I felt the urge so I just tried to have a crafty wank to then finally doze off. Unfortunately she woke up this one time, normally she doesn’t and she’s read me the riot act about how I should go stand in the cold bathroom. Aibu.

Well maybe change wife to husband and wonder how the response would go.

My husband doesn’t really want sex. He was asleep and I felt the urge so I just tried to have a crafty wank to then finally doze off. Unfortunately he woke up this one time, normally he doesn’t and he read me the riot act about how I should go stand in the cold bathroom. Aibu.

Probably get his having an affair if he doesn’t want sex, send him to see a doctor must be something wrong with him like low testosterone if he doesn’t want sex. LTB orgasms help sleep and happy
hormones.

I feel like you’ve added a few things to your version of the OP here that change the tone of the conversation entirely.