To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?

[justabigdisco]

I was woken last night by the bed shaking and my husband heavy breathing. I asked him WTF he was doing and he said ‘just trying to get comfy in bed’ however it was clear he was wanking next to me while I slept. There have been other episodes where I’ve been woken up and thought ‘is he…?’ but never been sure until last night.

I haven’t said anything to him yet but have been thinking about it all day. He has a higher sex drive than me and I know this frustrates him, but AIBU to find it a bit gross and disrespectful?

I’m totally okay with my DH masturbating but I also find it disrespectful and annoying on the occasions when he woke me up in exactly the way you described. It made me freeze and feel really uncomfortable, and I told him I wanted him to stop. He hasn’t done it since. Masturbation is normal and healthy but you are allowed to not want to be woken and surprised by it happening right next to you without your knowledge or consent.

Of course. Did I suggest it wouldn't?

I'm on the fence tbh. I'd be pissed off in your shoes because I want more sex and would be upset if he was wanking and not involving me. However, if his sex drive is much higher than yours and you're not feeling hard done by (sorry!) I guess it's not that awful a thought to me in principle. That said, I'd certainly prefer him to be on his own or elsewhere. Wouldn't want to wake up to it! If you've woken up to it and been grossed out, he needs to not do it while you're asleep next to him. I'd maybe talk about it and see what happens in future, if he made a habit of it despite you stating you didn't like it, that would be far worse.

Could give him a wee flash or help out?

Most sensible reply so far.

Why? She clearly has sex with him at other times.

I've done this loads, wouldn't occur to me to have to wake up my husband to run it past him first. I think if you've already got a lower sex drive than him then you've got to let him have something, If he was pestering you I could see the issue, but honestly I don't get why it's grim. You have sex and oral sex in this bed, why is wanking so private and disgusting - have people really not watched their OH before?

Ugh OP that sounds disgusting! What is the matter with men that they have to do this when in bed with their partner hoping she won't notice?

You should probably talk to him then, instead of making a thread so woman on the Internet can call him disgusting?

Both DP and I will do this on occasion, if we're lying there awake because we can't sleep, a quick orgasm can help us drift off. Getting out of bed to go do it in a cold bathroom would really defeat the point.

I wouldn't do it if DP was bothered by it, but I've never thought to ask her, I presume she feels the same given that she does the same thing.

Personally, I don't really get why having your partner that you love masturbating in bed next to you would bother you, but if it does, you really need to tell him.

Yes this. I have no problem with my partner doing this at all. But in a shared space when I’m trying to sleep?! 😑 Eww, no, no.

I guess the issue is it woke you up.

It’s one of those weird line crossing things. Because it’s his bed too and if he wants a wank he should but also it’s your bed too.

Then again I’ve never caught dh wanking and I’m sure he must somewhere at some point despite his why would I comments, Maybe it’s at work who knows. Maybe his just never woken me up

I would have no issue with the masturbation but waking me up is problematic. If the house is not on fire then don’t wake me

I will do. But wanted to gauge whether I was being unreasonable to find it a bit grim. Hence my AIBU…

This wouldn’t bother me but if you don’t like it then he should respect you and not do it.

Yeah this is grimy. How dare he wake you up. I would be pissed off

It doesn't matter what anyone else on here thinks. Because irrelevant you will still feel it.

What matters is what you and your DH agree and discuss.

Personally the older I get the more I realise in long term relationships how important everything to do with sex and intimacy is. Because the older I get the more I realise how problematic is really when people aren't on the same page.

I would say I agree with another poster, these threads always go the same way on here, and while your discussing that ask him how he feels about you posting about it online and opening the situation up to some of the posts here. He just may feel your behaviour is a bit "grim" since Im sure he has no clue you have. I know I would.

Doesn’t bother me, wouldn’t bother my DH the other way round either.

Does he do it when he has trouble sleeping? Sometimes I use it as a way to try and break insomnia - it helps to interrupt the cycle of thoughts on the very rare occasions I get it. But we both know that the other is fine with it so it’s not disrespectful.

If he knows that it is a red line for you, then yes, it’s completely inappropriate. He should slope off to the bathroom or something. If you’ve never talked about it, then he’s not to know you’re grossed out by it. So have the conversation.

I'd be annoyed by being woken up, and I'm not keen on the bed shaking, which I think is a practical difference between male and female masturbation. But he's perfectly entitled to do it in general - I agree with @wordywitch

All the people on these kinds of threads who say the men should go do it in the bathroom - do you? I can't imagine anything less sexy than trying to have a wank in the bathroom, and also I can't do it standing up, and would imagine it's not the most comfortable/preferred for men either.

It's his bed too - IMO it's neither gross nor disrespectful, just a bit annoying and insensitive.

He’s not pestering you for sex? He thought you were asleep? Maybe separate bedrooms if it bothers you,

So. It helps to get to sleep. Where else is he going to do it. What’s wrong with people that they think there is something wrong with their partner having a quiet wank in bed?

Yuck. Also if he was doing it in bed under the covers, how was he planning on cleaning up after himself? 🤢

Call him a wanker and go back to sleep 🙂

Yuk. I’d expect him to wank in private.
Im surprised a few people think this is ok. Its grim.

Now if a man had said that he didn’t feel comfortable with his wife masturbating in bed nobody would be calling her a disrespectful pig. In fact everyone would be telling him it’s her body and he should mind his own business. Funny old world Mumsnet.