To dislike my husband masturbating in bed?

[justabigdisco]

I was woken last night by the bed shaking and my husband heavy breathing. I asked him WTF he was doing and he said ‘just trying to get comfy in bed’ however it was clear he was wanking next to me while I slept. There have been other episodes where I’ve been woken up and thought ‘is he…?’ but never been sure until last night.

I haven’t said anything to him yet but have been thinking about it all day. He has a higher sex drive than me and I know this frustrates him, but AIBU to find it a bit gross and disrespectful?

I’m genuinely quite baffled by this thread. I really believe that a lot of this “it’s grim, it’s disgusting” chat is pure misandry and nothing else.

If a man posted and said his wife was doing this without his consent he’d be roundly called a controlling arsehole.

100% agree with this as I said above the OP isn’t comfortable so she need to speak with her DH.

Dont be silly, nobody has said that

Literacy is such a challenge on this site.
She doesn't want to be woken from her sleep by him wanking.
What is so difficult to understand?

Basic courtesy should prevent him from doing something that will wake her.

Let him do it to his hearts content in the loo, but NOT beside her in bed where it will disturb her sleep.

Low standards???? For not having a problem with self pleasuring in bed? wtf is wrong with people? In the Venn diagram of people who don’t like sex, people who are incredibly inhibited and bad at sex and people having a problem with wanking next you someone else, it would be a perfect crossover

There has to be something to it.

The only part that would annoy me would be the waking me up if it then didn’t lead to sex or watching porn in bed next to me.

If you want a porny wank there’s a big ole 50” tv downstairs knock your out but I don’t need to hear Pamela’s moaning or her chocolate starfish 😂

Tell him, then.

This wouldn’t bother me. But a) I’m not someone who really minds being woken up occasionally, by anything and b) my partner knows I wouldn’t mind him having a wank. Also I’ve done it myself in bed when he’s been asleep.

If it bothers you, you need to have a conversation about it. It’s absolutely fine for you to request that boundary, but it does require a conversation. I would also have that conversation in a way that made it clear that you aren’t repulsed by the fact that he wanks - if my partner told me that me masturbating at all was gross and disgusting, I’d be rethinking our relationship. But if he said “look, I feel a bit awkward about it and it wakes me up, so maybe it could be a more private thing?” I would obviously not mind and respect his boundary.

I don’t feel it’s as simple as “he’s a disgusting pig and he needs to do it in the bathroom with the door locked and only with his eyes closed while thinking of you and he must ejaculate into a sterile tissue and flush it immediately lest he contaminate the sanctity of the marital home with his repellent man-poison’, which seems to be how quite a lot of Mumsnetters feel about men masturbating.

I am far from tolerant of toxic masculinity and generally have zero interest in “But what about the poor downtrodden menz?????” discourse, but I agree.

I’m constantly amazed at how many people on this site just seem to think men, men’s bodies and anything connected with male sexuality is gross, disgusting, unhygienic etc. I kind of wonder if more married women are secretly either gay or asexual than we think, because it amazes me how many posters basically say there is nothing they find non-repulsive about the male body and its sexual function.

If I heard a bunch of men talking about women’s bodies like that I’d think they were the worst kind of misogynistic, repressed, showing-off-to-their-mates dickheads.

We need to normalise masterbation, you say he has a higher sex drive than you and so is looking after his own needs as opposed to having an affair. It does not mean he does not want sex with you but knows it is better to look after himself than bug you for sex when you are asleep.

There has been quite a few women in my school year group who have had babies with their husbands and then once the children are mid primary separate and they then have girlfriends. I’m talking early 1990’s babies so not exactly hidden in the closet eras.

What always appeared on the outside nice lovely wholesome couples / families. Then mum discovers herself. I do tend to then end up feeling for the poor chap who ends up feeling likely used for their baby making then dropped once the tough years are over.

Of course they have. Read the comments talking about ‘consent’.

Masturbation is absolutely fine and normal.

I still don't want to be disturbed in the night by it though. That would be my issue.

You said they've objected to their partners having a wank.

That just isnt true.

They objected to someone laying next to then while sleeping, waking them up wanking.

There's a difference there

What are these men supposed to do if their partners go away for a few days ?
Some people seem to think that a man would wait.
If a man says he doesn't masterbate then I think it has to be a lie.
What if you have been married 20 /30 years ? Do you think that either partner has never masterbated in their life ?

I haven't seen messages saying men are not allowed masturbate?

Fucking hell that’s disgusting.

you want to gauge how you feel by running it past a load of strangers on an internet forum?
I'm sure only you can make your own mind up about this.
To me, it would be fine and may have done this myself on occasion.

Masturbating - fine. Waking me up with it - actually having the nerve to prevent me getting enough sleep because he wants a wank - absolutely outrageous.

Some people have very low standards. I agree with you, op.

I mean if it bothers you I would mention it I don’t think I would be happy being woken up by that tbh

Why not help him out before going to bed. Be his partner in this.

To me, wanking next to someone is a sexual act that the other person should consent to. That's why wanking right next to someone is a criminal act in many circumstances. Just because you are doing it next to your partner doesn't, in my view, remove the need to seek consent. Waking up to find him having penetrative sex with you is a criminal act, you need to have given consent whether or not you are his partner. Same follows imho for wanking next to someone. It's happened once to me and i froze and pretended to still be asleep - i love my husband and we have sex, but it still made me feel quite violated. I have no problem with him having a wank in the shower or similar.