To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Why would he need to tread softly, or fear his mother’s wrath, over plans he may make with his father?

He hasn’t made any demands of her, imperious or otherwise, he’s simply told her his father may be there. That’s it.

Whether it’s making too big a deal over a Uni drop off, or may make the day complicated for him is irrelevant. He wasn’t asking should his father be there.

OP you can’t stop your ex going (nor should you) but you don’t have to facilitate it. If the situation occurs that he asks for a lift back then you simply say no, I am not comfortable to share a car journey with you for 2 hours. Simple and truthful. Leave your phone off if you think ex might contact you during the day. If he contacts your son saying where shall we meet, just tell son to give him the address of his halls where you are, not your problem how he gets there. If you finish by the time he arrives - so what? Not your problem. If he does turn up and hover uselessly whilst you are unpacking - just carry on as you would if he were not there, grey rock all the way. He is NOT your issue to fix, keep that mantra in your head the whole time. If you have all finished and it looks like he is angling to be included in a group meal, suggest that son have some quality time with his dad and push off home.

I ought not to pounce on your comment in particular, as this is about all the other comments in the same vein, but honest to God, anyone would think this were about an emotionally wrenching farewell at Southampton to a GI bride heading to the wilds of Minnesota, possibly never to be seen again by her parents.

This young man is only moving out and starting at university a couple of hours away. (He could come home every weekend, though the general and sensible idea is that it’ll be the last thing he’ll want)
It’s very exciting, and he’s definitely earned his tripes, but why there has to be such angst and fussing around for everyone really boggles me.

All this insistence that it’s ’his day’, and thus all his wishes are law, as though he were getting married or ordained, seems massively out of proportion to the actual day when he’s dropped off in hall or at digs.
What do such parents do at all, come graduation day? It all seems like terribly unregulated behaviour, though clearly it’s the norm now.

I do honestly wish OP a very happy day of it, but just wish she were not being encouraged here in the inflexible belief the student prince is actually the Sun King in all his pomp.

Above all I don’t think she deserves these brickbats for mentioning her own heavy apprehensions around the degree to which she may be required to interact with exH.
I think that far from her being required to masquerade as chuffed to spend the day with him for the sake of a quite unnecessary show of unity, her son should be the one being mindful of his mum’s double worry (she’s already in heartbreak mode about his departure into adulthood, so additional gut punches are cruel).

She is the one in the vulnerable emotional position on the day, not the son, (whom we can expect to be on a high of excitement and eagerness)
He could do a lot requiring very little effort, to ease her mind right now.

Leaving open the question of his dad’s possible involvement is not on, if he can pin dad down and exact clear agreement about it all (eg a train there and back, and absolutely no possibility of a lift)
It’d be a considerable gift to his mum and mean a great deal, I’d imagine.
Self interest is part of it: if both parents are clear about their ‘lines’, and the day’s expectations, so much anxiety and potential for upset would be lifted from the gathering. A much better day for him!

I didn’t say he should do any such thing, but was responding to (and hoping to negate) a comment describing how he is cowed by his mother. I hadn’t gained that impression.

I do admit I thought the requirements concerning the car journey are a bit much and since I do not share this vibe of compulsory ultra-festive celebrations for such an occasion, I expressed that with a bit of hyperbole, it’s true. Too dramatic.

Ironically, the only person making a big thing of this is OP. No one has asked her to give her ex a lift.

Posters are insisting that it’s his day because, well, it is. What plans he makes with his father are between him and his father, not between the three of them. That OP may not like it doesn’t mean he’s done anything wrong, either.

What OP wants is not more important than what he wants on a day that centres him. If his father wants to go then he wants him there, the same as he wants his mother there.

Yep, and any such pretence should not be asked of her by anyone, including offspring.

I didn’t get the impression he’s cowed by his mother either, tbf. The impression I got is that he’s not open to discussing it further with her.

It also doesn’t sound like he’s asking her to be ultra festive, or even particularly congenial with her ex. He’s just said that his father may there on the drop off day.

You can stop him making his own way but no one can force you to give him a lift. You do the lions share of the parenting all DS life Plea

I’m well aware I’m not in sync with most posters in this discussion.

I don’t want to carry on pissing them off, but as a last gasp, I’ll just reiterate that I strongly reject the idea that this lad’s wants and needs on any day less glorious (or even solemn) than his wedding/ installation as Archbishop of York/ reception at the Palace for a gong are more important than the high emotional turmoil affecting his mother.
I said elsewhere that I think it’s she who should be gently prioritised in arranging the trip, since she is the person enduring a loss, whereas the son is off to sunlit uplands and gaiety, we hope.
Nobody’s suggesting she be ‘kid gloved’ etc, but neither should she be dismissed as deserving no consideration.

Indeed I’d say it’s nobody’s personal ‘day’ at all, in terms of anyone as good as wearing a crown, the cynosure of all eyes (as seems to be the prevailing vibe), but rather an exciting milestone involving this new student (and truly, many hurrahs to him for getting this uni place) and his mum equally, and if his dad joins them in a way that will not marr either’s enjoyment of the send off, then hurrah again.
I just think there’s way too much pressure and expectation of bells and whistles in the air for them all.

Fair enough. :-)
I hope all the uncertainty re his dad’s attending will urgently be ironed out, and a concrete order of events agreed, not least that no transport can be offered, even if all the train drivers stage a lightning strike.
Setting OP’s mind at rest on that key point would greatly improve matters.

(It’s a task for the son which he might not fancy a lot, but only he can bring it off really. It’s a ‘bite the bullet’ chat with his dad maybe, but he’ll be all the better having managed it. )

Her son going to Uni isn’t about her. Her feelings of loss are not the responsibility of her son, or something he needs to centre, on his first day at Uni. As excited as he may be, he may also be nervous and anxious himself, and wants his father there as well as his mother. This is very much his choice and not hers, as he’s very plainly told her.

He’s not prioritizing either parent above the other, and nor is it reasonable to ask him to. OP is responsible for managing her own feelings, as her ex is responsible for managing his. Their feelings are not their son’s burden to carry.

It already has been, at least between OP and her son. She knows her ex may be attending, and that no one is asking her to do anything to help him either get there or get home. The plans OP has with her son haven’t changed.

Anything beyond that is between him and his father 🤷🏻‍♀️ they’ll sort it or they won’t, but either way it’s not something OP needs to concern herself with.

But only to us here on this forum.
Op hasn’t bad mouthed ex to her sons

Come on - mumsnet is here for people to vent where they can’t otherwise in real life. You should know this.If you don’t I’m a bit gobsmacked.

It strikes me you are making a lot of unnecessary fuss about this. It is not the big event you think it is and it’s not your event in any case. Drop offs are exactly that and I’d be surprised if there was any need for you to stay longer than the time it takes to carry everything into your son’s new room.
If ds wants his dad there then you shouldn’t get in the way. It’s churlish to say you won’t drive him. If all four of you go you won’t have to be alone in the car on the way back.
That said, I suggest your ds would be far better off going on his own by train. You can always see him off at the station and go home for a good cry.

totally agree, there is some seriously molly coddled adults on here who still think they’re the centre of the universe and that they’re parents should all be playing happy families to appease them!

Why does it have to be seen as a "loss"? And the OP has another child at home still so I hope she doesn't feel bereft. But really, if the son hadn't got his results, if he hadn't got into his first-choice university, if he was sitting at home miserable and depressed while his friends all left for their universities, how much worse would that be? I'm sorry if people feel upset by it because they really don't need to - the kids are back for the holidays all the time, they aren't emigrating. And apart from that parents can always go to visit now and then.

Oh Lord, it’s not I who’d feel any such loss at all. Heart of stone, it seems!
I can’t see any sense in the evidently widespread desire to turn the occasion into an Occasion. All the rest of what you say reflects exactly where I’m at about the whole affair.
A relief to read it all, too.

So I was referring to OP’s mention of feeling pretty wibbly at saying goodbye, that’s all. (Yeah though, rather overstating the case maybe. Mea culpa)

Having said all that, I do feel for her all the same, particularly as she’s being hounded here about the matter of priorities, and I reckon the son having to be King For A Day is a regrettable pressure, and part of a general kid-centric culture I feel is daily shown to have been a very bad move for society ( a rant for another day!).
Though I see newer posts are stating aspects of this far better than I can.

I presume that she means that she doesn't badmouth her ex to their children.

Bad-mouthing her shitty ex-husband on an anonymous forum isn't remotely the same. Mumsnet is supposed to be a safe place for people to vent about difficult people in their lives.

Let’s be crystal clear about something.

When a person says “I don’t badmouth his dad” what do they mean?

Do they mean what they wrote: that they don’t badmouth him?

Or, do they mean something else, AND do they assume that anyone reading this knows what they mean, even though they did it explain the caveat?

Do they mean that they don’t badmouth his dad, apart from this special circumstance and that presumed platform?

The habit of not bad-mouthing someone is far more likely to succeed, for the children, if in the heart, in the mind, and in spirit, we don’t badmouth someone.

If we badmouth someone in our heads, and within our hearts, then no matter what we say or don’t say, our feeling and intentions come across, even though we don’t actually say the words.

Same as when she says she doesn’t badmouth him, we all know that she does, on anonymous platforms, her sons know deep down inside that she badmouths their dad.

Regardless of what she says or doesn’t say, the u der lying meaning comes across.

We’re all proffering our judgements here - it’s merely that yours don’t align with mine is all.

Do you always get triggered when people don’t agree with you…

I am strongly reminded of an occasion (quite recent) on which a Pope advised the Faithful that any man who looked with admiration at a woman was committing adultery in his heart.

Have you considered the possibility that both OP's sons are well aware their father is a shit, not because of anything felt or thought by their mother but from their own observation of his behaviour over the past several years? They may even (if they are not extremely stupid, which even people accepted into universities may not be) wonder why she feels that she has to lie to them all the time when nobody could possibly have lived with their father and not realised he was a shit. They might even feel vaguely cross that she never warned them about him.

This was the experience of a friend of mine, who made a serious effort never in word or deed or thought to allow her daughter to know she thought her ex an abusive deadbeat. When the daughter was an adult, she sat her mother down and lectured her about the folly of lying about it, when anyone with half an eye could see he never paid a penny towards her upkeep and never really cared about her at all except when he thought it might be to his benefit to pretend to.

So your problem here is the woman not being able to forgive the useless husband.

Is it just women who have to be this forgiving in our hearts to people who have treated us badly?

Haha 🤣 please MN bring back the laughing emoji for posts like this!!
honestly I can’t be arsed to decipher the waffle you posed which apparently is about “badmouthing”!!!
saladbrains, more like 💩 brains!

Honestly I don’t know why you responded to this vile comment!
How can she think she knows so much about you, your ex and your DSs from a MN post, unbelievable!