To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

@Saladbrains Yes, I asked for opinions on ex going to uni drop-off, not baseless suppositions and assumptions amounting to a character assassination of me on the back of your own prejudices and unfortunate experiences.

Your crass, insulting and ageist response to @Kelly1969 tells us all we need to know about your morals and value system. How you have the bare faced cheek to subject OP and the rest of us to your sanctimonious claptrap, I don't know.

I have only read your posts OP but I totally get your situation & was in a very similar one myself.

Luckily for me by exH can drive and had more flexibility with days off so in our case he took our DD and I said my goodbyes at home. Tbh, I actually preferred that to the sad drive home. My DD didn't mind & I dressed it up as not being able to get a day off (she moved in on a weekday) so she didn't think it was because me & her dad couldn't get on.

I think you shouldn't give any headspace to your ex and what he is planning to do on the day. Let him sort himself out, it's not your job. I would explain to your son that lift sharing isn't really practical so he doesn't offer lifts on your behalf. You say he knows you and his dad don't really get on.

Your exH is an adult who you say travels by train regularly so he can do that on this occasion.

If he asks for a lift home on the day, and it's too awkward in front of DS to say no, once you have said your goodbyes and left I would say to exH that you are just driving him as far as the station & he can make his way home from there.

He & his transport are not your responsibility.

As far as having to share the day with him, it's just one of the many situations you have to suck up as a co-parent with someone you treated you like crap. Just ignore him as much as possible on the day & focus on your DS.

🎯 Bullseye

You introduced all of those factors within your posts - using them to justify your blinkered ‘please assure me that my selfishness is ok’ bleatings.

You said right at the beginning that you might be unreasonable.

You were right, 50% of us who voted think you are!

Totally with you OP.
In your shoes I wouldn't be wanting ex in the car. He can take the train .

Say he cant come. He visit on the train once son is settled

If all this is the case, why the thread?

Maybe he won't even want to come, since you say it's only your ds who has brought it up so far. But I agree, he can travel on the train. I wouldn't suggest they meet after you leave - moving into uni is bedlam and takes ages. I did not appreciate the amount of walks to/from the car, which wasn't even parked at the accommodation itself. My drive was twice as long and I was too tired to help my son properly so I would have preferred another person! I understand why you don't want him there though, especially in the car.

Tricky with all his ‘stuff’ to carry!
Not saying it can’t be done, but the usual would be a car packed to the rafters! 😂

There’s no need to be so spiteful

Unfortunately you don't really have a say in whether or not your ex turns up on moving day, or at other future events involving your son, but you can control what you do or don't do with regards spending any time with him alone ie road trips etc.

Your son is old enough to be made aware that you don't wish to spend any time with his father and that he shouldn't be encouraging such situations, but that needn't affect their relationship. He must have worked out by now you got divorced for a reason. I think it would be appropriate to make the situation clear to him now.

Is it spiteful to call a spade a spade?

The OP blurred the lines of the AIBU question by making it about her not wanting the ex there, when it seemed to be more about giving him a lift which even tho not asked for would have been a distinct possibility.
Even the people that disagreed with OP were on the whole not rude and judgemental like you were.

Hasn’t the OP been rude and judgemental about her ex-husband? And you’ve just accepted her judgements of him…

There’s a kind way to call a spade a spade and there is a spiteful way and you have chosen the latter. Your posts are callous and nasty and have a spiteful undertone.

I think Op knows more about her ex than you. She lived with him so knows what he’s like.
She has every right to be anxious about Uni moving in day. She doesn’t want to be put in a position where she shares a car with him and you know what - that’s ok.

Saladbrains is making her/himself look bad by continuing to post on this thread.
They came across as so vindictive and full of vitriol.
It does make you wonder what is going on in their life to make them so nasty.

Because she’s anxious over an imagined scenario, and doesn’t like the fact her son made a decision she isn’t in agreement with. It’s all right there in the OP.

We all make judgements, don’t we.
Like you just did - but that’s ok isn’t it.

Well - only someone who is at great pains within themselves can be so spiteful openly on a forum like you are.

You see what I mean - there you go again.

Well you do have to admit you’ve been a bit of a bitchy cow to Op haven’t you, without really knowing any of the history as to why she is feeling anxious.
Maybe have a bit of compassion and understanding instead of posting about about her selfish blinkered beatings.

Just have a private word with dad. You know you can't stop him coming, but you don't have to take him.

Look, X and I have spoken, and you're welcome to meet us at the university drop-off. We aim to get there at 11:00. I should be there for about one hour getting him set up, etc. X is happy if you want to come at 11:00 or a bit later, it's up to you.

if you want to quash all possible chances of him expecting a lift you could add that you feel it would be best if you travelled on your own.

More lies, though. As far as OP is concerned he is NOT welcome, so why should she be expected to seek him out in order to tell him untruthfully that he is? And why should he be entitled to her giving him her itinerary for the day?