To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

The OP was in an abusive relationship with her ex!! Have the people who are having a go at her actually read that and taken it on?!?! Why should she give a lift to an abusive ex??? She doesn’t owe him anything!! If he was on fire she wouldn’t need to piss on him!!

These responses are so strange, @stripycats has said she is worried about being in a car with her ex, at no point did she say she would block the ex from coming or say anything to her son meaning his dad can’t come. She’s just raised concerns about logistics. Why is everyone jumping on op? It’s not a big deal people are allowed to not want to spend prolonged time with their exs and feel anxious about it! And it is different badmouthing an ex on here than it is in real life f2f to the kids…

It's like saying he's not welcome to his wedding if he gets married. Son, on the face of it has no problem with him attending, so he is welcome if he wants to come. Just because mom doesn't want him there doesn't mean he's not welcome to come along. It's not for the OP to decide, really; her view has no relevance. (Sorry that sounds really arsey, even though it's not meant to be)

OP has stated they have an okay relationship, but rightly so, doesn't want to be trapped in a car with him for 2 hours.

'but to be fair, he hasn't asked for a lift and may not do so. I just want to avoid the possibility.' -

'Ex is also a very last minute person, so quite likely to suddenly say the night before, 'what time am I seeing you at X uni tomorrow?!'

My previous message, or a version of it, covers what she needs to say to her ex without it hanging over their heads, possibly until the day before they are meant to go, putting her in a really shite position.

40YearOldDad
My previous message, or a version of it, covers what she needs to say to her ex

Why on God's green earth should the OP be expected to go and tell him he is welcome, when as far as she is concerned he is not welcome, there or anywhere? It's just another example of a woman being advised to tell lies in order to pander to a male. That is what I am objecting to.

Not to mention that if she goes trotting off to consult with him she is playing right into his hands and showing him that in spite of having walked out on her and her children he can control her behaviour, which I am fairly sure is something she really, really would not want him to think.

Again, it's not for her to decide; she may not want him there, and that's fine, but to say he's not welcome is not true; it has nothing to do with her.

Because she asked how she should approach it, my advice would have been the same if she were a lesbian.

No, @40YearOldDad , she should not raise the subject with him - it's nothing to do with her, it's between her son and her ex. BUT hopefully she's now better prepared on what to say if he turns up, wants a lift or anything else because all possible scenarios seem to have been discussed here!

If it is not for her to decide, and has nothing to do with her, it is not for her to volunteer a welcome to him either, which was what I was (and am) saying. It has been advocated that she should get in touch with him to tell him he would be welcome but she wouldn't give him a lift. The first part of that would involve her being untruthful, because as far as she is concerned he would not be welcome; the second part should not need saying. She has not offered him a lift, any more than I have offered him a lift or you have offered him a lift; the question simply does not and should not arise. Certainly she should not raise it; it is only going to give him ideas if she does.

Hmm 🤔 I “think” the op actually knows her Ex so is absolutely in a position to make judgement of him!

100% this!
There is a reason that Domestuc Abuse is now used, not just Domestic violence,

Having dropped off 3 sons at university, I can tell you they were more keen on meeting their new flat mates, speaking to the club and group reps etc and really didn't want us hanging around.
You absolutely do not have to offer your ex a lift. If your ex wants to be there, that is for him to organise but i fear it will be a wasted journey and he would be better waiting a month, when your son is settled in and would appreciate a free meal.

Well, I have an update and outcome.

Ex has told me (but not the dc - I had to) that he is going away on Monday and will be away for two week, which will include the weekend that ds goes. So much for him wanting to be there and all the rest of it. It also means he is away for some of 'his' planned time with ds before he goes, meaning ds feels he has to rearrange some plans with his friends to be able to see his dad before he goes. I feel like saying don't bother, but I won't. So at least there is no dilemma or threat of awkward car journeys etc, but I do feel a bit sad for ds that ex has done this. No way would I go away and miss out on any of the time I have with him before he goes. It also means ex will be having 3 x 2 week holidays this year, all while paying no CMS or making any contribution to ds for uni.

Why did he pay no maintenance?

Well, that's taken the pressure off you at least

Sorry I don’t understand.

You didn’t want him involved.

Now he’s confirmed he definitely won’t be involved - you don’t like it?

That not at all what she said now is it. 🫣

It’s good you won’t have to put up with him on uni drop off and I totally get that you feel sad. It’s sad that they don’t appreciate their children like we do. But screw him, his loss!

My parents are like you and it's ruined my wedding, graduation, children's birthdays, not because of bust ups but because of bad atmosphere and I knew they don't want to be in the same place. For your DS sake I'd find a way to rub along when needed.

And no that doesn't mean you have to give him a lift, just book in to a spa so you're not heading in the right direction.

Your whole post and thread is an example of utterly overthinking yourself/and your sons into the ground.

Your original post read: “We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved.”

“perhaps”

And out of all that you spun everyone here along on a merry tale of anxiety and complexity.

Your poor lads having to put up with such a crazy-maker drama queen.

Your non-event post could have read “His dad said he might perhaps want to come along, let’s see what happens. - Update: Dad isn’t coming along.”

What a web you spin, it must exhausting being you, and around you.

@Saladbrains what a fucking horrible post

No need for this nonsense.

I hate posts like this where people slag someone off for using an anonymous forum in exactly the way it is intended - to think out loud, to have a rant or a moan in a way that you can't do in real life.

Of course the OP isn't being dramatic in real life or dragging her son into any of this, she just had an anonymous moan on an anonymous forum! If you don't understand the way forums like this work then don't use them.

Take that as a win OP, the pressure is off.. (and some of these posters are massively projecting)

I’d like to know this too and why’s he contributing nothing to ds going to uni? Given there’s no grants anymore? Is he just going to let you pay fees or ds gets the loan that needs paying back forever?

@stripycats I’m so pleased you won’t feel extra pressure on an emotional day. I know it’s probably not easy for your DS seeing his dad’s true colours shine through, but remember that he has you. Despite what some people have taken from this thread, I think you are doing a grand job supporting your DS through this big life transition.

Thanks all (well, mainly all...) This has obviously been a safe space for me to vent and I was just waiting to see what would happen with the intention of denying a lift but just going along with anything else and making the best of it. Ds isn't really bothered as far as I can see - just a bit irritated that he has to move stuff around potentially.

He hasn't paid CMS due to low income but he did inherit enough to buy a house outright and gets money from his dm. Dc will get loans and support from me. I'll also have to pay ex his £10k from the divorce (share of assets when we split that I couldn't pay then) when youngest is 21, but that isn't the point of this thread.

What a hypocrite you are.
”using an anonymous forum in exactly the way it is intended - to think out loud, to have a rant or a moan” is exactly what I did.

Is this what you’re like when someone disagrees with you. Your poor husband.