Page 20 | To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

stripycats · 2025-08-30T11:07:09+00:00

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced. Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly. We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different. I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening. So AIBU to say he can't come?

Original poster

stripycats · 01/09/2025 16:41

I hear what you're saying @GreenPinkGold but I have never and will never ask ds to choose and I really don't think this 'occasion' is akin to graduations/weddings and the like, and others have backed that up.

OP posts:

Americano75 · 01/09/2025 16:43

GreenPinkGold · 01/09/2025 16:35

Sadly I know every gory detail and yes my Mother had every right to be aggrieved but short of DV I honestly believe there is no excuse. This comes from a place of lifelong emotional anguish. If you have children with someone unfortunately you are stuck with them and you need to find a way to make it easier for your unwittingly involved children

Show quote history

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but unless you've been in a toxic marriage that's ended in divorce you've really no idea of the lasting damage it can do. Personally I'm able to be civil to my ex when our paths cross, cordial even, but I'd never judge anyone who couldn't manage that.

And my ex never laid a finger on me. He still managed to inflict plenty of damage.

TwinklySquid · 01/09/2025 16:45

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 14:07

When will someone pipe up and explain that DS wouldn’t say to the OP that he wanted his Dad to attend.

OP is clearly not competent at emotional self-regulation and the DS has no doubt learnt a long time ago not to show any approval or acceptance towards Dad in front of Mum.

DS is in fear of how Mum would take any acceptance of Dad as some sort of personal betrayal of what she suffered during and after the marriage.

It’s tragic when children have to hide their true feelings about one parent because the other parent cannot abide any positive opinion of their former spouse.

Nowhere here has the OP had the grace to admit or accept that Dad has done anything positive as a role model, as a father, or as a parent.

That will not have gone unnoticed by DS1 & DS2.

The DS won’t be risking the OP’s wrath by saying anything resembling the truth of how he feels about having his Dad present at Uni.

The phrasing along the lines of “I won’t mention it to Dad but if he mentions it I’ll have to let him know” is a clear statement by the DS that the DS does not feel safe to mention anything about his Dad to the OP.

It is NOT a sign that DS doesn’t want his Dad present.

It’s a beacon that highlights that the OP has created an environment where any opinion about Dad contrary to the OP's opinion of Dad is not tolerated and is received with anger and possibly rejection.

DS will want OP to depart the Uni drop-off quickly so as to ensure that Dad and OP have no risk of encountering each other.

Show quote history

Are you the OP’s ex?

Millytante · 01/09/2025 16:49

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 14:07

When will someone pipe up and explain that DS wouldn’t say to the OP that he wanted his Dad to attend.

OP is clearly not competent at emotional self-regulation and the DS has no doubt learnt a long time ago not to show any approval or acceptance towards Dad in front of Mum.

DS is in fear of how Mum would take any acceptance of Dad as some sort of personal betrayal of what she suffered during and after the marriage.

It’s tragic when children have to hide their true feelings about one parent because the other parent cannot abide any positive opinion of their former spouse.

Nowhere here has the OP had the grace to admit or accept that Dad has done anything positive as a role model, as a father, or as a parent.

That will not have gone unnoticed by DS1 & DS2.

The DS won’t be risking the OP’s wrath by saying anything resembling the truth of how he feels about having his Dad present at Uni.

The phrasing along the lines of “I won’t mention it to Dad but if he mentions it I’ll have to let him know” is a clear statement by the DS that the DS does not feel safe to mention anything about his Dad to the OP.

It is NOT a sign that DS doesn’t want his Dad present.

It’s a beacon that highlights that the OP has created an environment where any opinion about Dad contrary to the OP's opinion of Dad is not tolerated and is received with anger and possibly rejection.

DS will want OP to depart the Uni drop-off quickly so as to ensure that Dad and OP have no risk of encountering each other.

Show quote history

Blimey. This really is a strong reminder how ten people reading (say) an Agatha Christie, might each initially land on a different perpetrator!

I couldn’t discern much fear of his mother’s wrath nor a habit of treading softly in her midst, in general. Caring about her reactions doesn’t strike me as proven at all!
As for OP, she appears merely intent on finding some way of serving both his imperious demands and understandably ensuring that an emotionally difficult experience (over and above the farewell itself) is avoided.

The reality may well be just as you outline it, but my goodness it’s not how I grasped it at all. That’s a facer.

Bunny65 · 01/09/2025 16:52

Why not suggest to the ex or suggest to DC that he suggest to his dad that he skips moving in day - which is very hectic - and instead arranges to go up to visit one weekend after he's moved in, take him out for lunch on a Saturday, for example? Moving in days are crowded, busy, exhausting, and unless your child is extremely shy or anxious and needs you there they are likely to be busy getting to know their new housemates and happy for you to go home once everything is in place.

RoseAlone · 01/09/2025 16:57

You have to get over yourself, this is about your son, not your grievances. Put your big girls pants on and set a good example for your son. It's a huge day for him, he doesn't deserve to have to worry about you and what you're going to say to his dad.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 01/09/2025 17:08

This is about an hour in the rest of the son's life, which rest-of-life will start as soon as both his parents have had the grace to sod off and leave him to it (or in the case of the one who can be of no practical help whatever, the grace not to turn up and get in the way in the first place). They are not and should not be involved in his life at university; if they have to be, something will probably have gone badly wrong.

My suggestion would be that if the father wants to say goodbye to the son he walked away from (many years ago) in the first place, and in whose actual growing up he has been a very junior partner, he could do so before Son leaves the town where they both live, and not make a nuisance of himself.

However, he hasn't said that he wants to be at the university, and with luck he won't remember when the son is leaving. OP, does he generally remember his sons' birthdays?

WalkDontWalk · 01/09/2025 17:09

Why is everyone telling you to lie? “Going somewhere else after. Car will be full. Sorry, travelling via Paris.”

Why not tell the truth? “If DS would like you to be there, of course you should attend. But I don’t want to spend eight hours in a car with you. So see you there.”

middleagedandinarage · 01/09/2025 17:48

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 30/08/2025 12:10

That won’t help on the way back though. Maybe plan yourself a night in a hotel as a treat?

This, make sure you have plans after so you definitely wouldn't be able to give him a lift back.

angelfacecuti75 · 01/09/2025 18:17

Why can't his dad do it without you ?! Why do you have to be the one that accommodates ex ....I get that you might want to say goodbye...in which case go up there via train and let exdh do all the lifting and shifting. I am sure its crap regarding exdh but surely you dont need to talk to each other plus you usually have lots of crap so unless he plans on being on the roof rack let him sort himself out ...if he doesn't drive let him go by train .

angelfacecuti75 · 01/09/2025 18:18

Sorry not sure why I passively aggressively put pat of that last comment in bold ....my bad.

angelfacecuti75 · 01/09/2025 18:21

Bunny65 · 01/09/2025 16:52

Why not suggest to the ex or suggest to DC that he suggest to his dad that he skips moving in day - which is very hectic - and instead arranges to go up to visit one weekend after he's moved in, take him out for lunch on a Saturday, for example? Moving in days are crowded, busy, exhausting, and unless your child is extremely shy or anxious and needs you there they are likely to be busy getting to know their new housemates and happy for you to go home once everything is in place.

I like this. This is diplomatic without stepping on people's toes.

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 18:24

Millytante · 01/09/2025 16:49

Blimey. This really is a strong reminder how ten people reading (say) an Agatha Christie, might each initially land on a different perpetrator!

I couldn’t discern much fear of his mother’s wrath nor a habit of treading softly in her midst, in general. Caring about her reactions doesn’t strike me as proven at all!
As for OP, she appears merely intent on finding some way of serving both his imperious demands and understandably ensuring that an emotionally difficult experience (over and above the farewell itself) is avoided.

The reality may well be just as you outline it, but my goodness it’s not how I grasped it at all. That’s a facer.

Edited

Show quote history

What imperious demands?

the father has not communicated to the OP?

You’re making it up, same as the OP

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 18:25

GreenPinkGold · 01/09/2025 13:57

I really hope one day you can find it within yourself to have some sort of co parent relationship with your ex. My Mum was the same and it has ruined so many things. Graduation, my children's first birthdays, my wedding, every single Christmas - forced to choose. It taints every single special occasion/life event when your parents can't put you before their own grievances and it's bloody unfair on the kids who have done nothing wrong. Your DS is already telling you he's unhappy with the situation by making this request,and its fair enough. Take the opportunity to show him he doesn't need to choose between you both for times in his life when he wants you both there.

This - a sane and reasonable response.

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 18:28

“… but I don’t badmouth him [the ex]”

You don’t realise it but you have repeatedly bad-mouthed your sons’ father in these posts.

Over and over and over.

You don’t realise you’re doing it…

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 01/09/2025 18:42

angelfacecuti75 · 01/09/2025 18:17

Why can't his dad do it without you ?! Why do you have to be the one that accommodates ex ....I get that you might want to say goodbye...in which case go up there via train and let exdh do all the lifting and shifting. I am sure its crap regarding exdh but surely you dont need to talk to each other plus you usually have lots of crap so unless he plans on being on the roof rack let him sort himself out ...if he doesn't drive let him go by train .

OPs ex is disabled and the OP has said he won't be able to help with the lifting and carrying.

Kelly1969 · 01/09/2025 18:55

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 14:07

When will someone pipe up and explain that DS wouldn’t say to the OP that he wanted his Dad to attend.

OP is clearly not competent at emotional self-regulation and the DS has no doubt learnt a long time ago not to show any approval or acceptance towards Dad in front of Mum.

DS is in fear of how Mum would take any acceptance of Dad as some sort of personal betrayal of what she suffered during and after the marriage.

It’s tragic when children have to hide their true feelings about one parent because the other parent cannot abide any positive opinion of their former spouse.

Nowhere here has the OP had the grace to admit or accept that Dad has done anything positive as a role model, as a father, or as a parent.

That will not have gone unnoticed by DS1 & DS2.

The DS won’t be risking the OP’s wrath by saying anything resembling the truth of how he feels about having his Dad present at Uni.

The phrasing along the lines of “I won’t mention it to Dad but if he mentions it I’ll have to let him know” is a clear statement by the DS that the DS does not feel safe to mention anything about his Dad to the OP.

It is NOT a sign that DS doesn’t want his Dad present.

It’s a beacon that highlights that the OP has created an environment where any opinion about Dad contrary to the OP's opinion of Dad is not tolerated and is received with anger and possibly rejection.

DS will want OP to depart the Uni drop-off quickly so as to ensure that Dad and OP have no risk of encountering each other.

Show quote history

Omg 😳
so judgemental, about OP, DS, the ex and all the relationships!!!
How do you know how DS feels, do your powers extend to predicting lotto numbers?!

MeridianB · 01/09/2025 19:03

I think you’re over-thinking this OP. There are some variables you can’t and shouldn’t try to control - whether ex comes up and hangs around awkwardly is the main one.

Focus on a decision about what you can control. This is not wanting to take ex in the car or drive back with him. It’s totally reasonable. Just be clear with DS about it so he doesn’t have or create any expectation. And then make peace with a white lie about ‘heading somewhere else’ on the way home.

FWIW my DH’s high-conflict exP has made a total nuisance of herself expecting lifts to and from Uni. DH didn’t want to spend any time with her and especially not just the two of them on the way home. He sucked it up for the very first drop off but has dodged her every time since. It hasn’t stopped her practically demanding a space in our car for events etc. Her self-awareness is nil so it was up to DH to set and keep boundaries.

Dramatic · 01/09/2025 19:13

stripycats · 31/08/2025 16:46

I know I'm spiralling again, but I have a vision of us being part-way through unloading the car and ex ringing ds to say he's just arrived at the railway station and when can we meet. Then ds will get super-stressed as he won't want to let his dad down and won't want to say we're in the middle of it you'll need to wait. Then if gets a taxi or bus to the halls and we're done by then... This is what I mean about it not being practical for him to be there.

If this was the case I think your DS would need to get his dad to meet him at the halls, tell him to get an Uber to the halls and meet you there, leaving the halls and trying to meet him at the station/in the city centre seems daft really.

Also fwiw I don't think yabu at all. my DD was due to go to uni this year but is taking a gap year. I absolutely would not agree to take her dad with me in the car, not a hope in hell. I wouldn't even want him there but would grit my teeth for my daughter's sake if she did want him there. I would not be offering him a lift back and if he asked I'd just say "no sorry, I can't" and don't elaborate at all.

Homegrown11 · 01/09/2025 19:13

Why don’t you suggest that you do the drop off and set up weekend, and that he invites dad up the following weekend to see him once he’s settled in. He’ll get longer to talk to him and show him around as there won’t be the jobs to do like on the first day. If he insists on going that day, then just make it clear he needs to get the train. If he asks outright for a lift home just say sorry, no. You don’t need to give him a reason. And don’t pick up any hints he drops if he doesn’t ask directly.

Original poster

stripycats · 01/09/2025 19:26

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 18:28

“… but I don’t badmouth him [the ex]”

You don’t realise it but you have repeatedly bad-mouthed your sons’ father in these posts.

Over and over and over.

You don’t realise you’re doing it…

Um, I do realise but my kids aren't reading this. Surely you can see there's a difference.

OP posts:

Millytante · 01/09/2025 19:38

Saladbrains · 01/09/2025 18:24

What imperious demands?

the father has not communicated to the OP?

You’re making it up, same as the OP

Show quote history

I am referring to the son.
And while there’s every chance I am making things up as you claim, how could anyone here know better than OP what is or is not the case, yet you say she too is at the same caper!

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 01/09/2025 19:44

It is my opinion that lying to one's children is generally a mistake.

And if it would be a lie to pretend an ex was a fine chap and there is nothing the matter with him, divorcing him was just an impulse decision made for no reason, why are mothers always expected to do it?

Happygolucky314 · 01/09/2025 19:45

stripycats · 31/08/2025 22:33

It would be a bit odd wouldn't it since I'm the only one who can drive (not ex's fault) and it's in my house that 90% of ds's stuff is, including everything that I have bought him for university. No contribution from ex - that is something he can take ownership for. I appreciate this doesn't give me the right to dictate what happens on the day, but it does make comments like, 'what if ex says you can't come,' somewhat irrelevant. Even if that weren't the case, I would still feel that the parent who has picked and chosen which bits of parenting he does and how often certainly doesn't get to tell the other parent what they can and can't be involved in.

Show quote history

@stripycats youre not being unreasonable anyone and everyone on this thread expecting you to take your ex in your car is being unreasonable. I wouldn’t take my ex either never mind sit with him in a car on my own for 2 hours x

MrsMcGarry · 01/09/2025 20:01

@stripycats I think you sound like a great parent, who just needs to make a slight adjustment to having adult kids rather than kid kids.

And bollocks to having to have a co-parenting relationship as the parents of adult children. I've absolutely expressed that to mine that I don't like their father and find it difficult to spend time with him. I've also made sure to tell them that my relationship with him shouldn't affect their relationship with him.

His awfulness as a husband (which I have not and probably will not fully explain to them ever) doesn't make him a bad father. There are other things that make him that but it's my job to teach my kids to navigate their relationship with him, but only in the same way that it's my job to help them to navigate any relationship that they have.

.
When they moan about him to me, I listen to them and validate their feelings and try to help them to manage their emotions in exactly the same way I would when they moan to me about a romantic partner or friends or flatmates.

You've done your coparenting. (Well you will have done in two years for your youngest. You don't need to facilitate the relationship between two adults anymore. You are almost free of him, and the need you seem to have still been carrying to look after him. Celebrate that!