To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

Genuine question

“lots to learn” at the post office… like what? To queue for ages whilst customers spend 10 minutes asking about the different postage options to Australia?

Maths with money and costs, sometimes I'll let her write the address on the envelope, how stamps work, read the name of stuff around, she always asks a million questions, we had to do passport photos, pack parcels, etc. For some 4yo it's like real life craft. I mean, use your imagination, dear me!

You were very clear.
Of course he is taking the piss.
Yanbu to make it more difficult for him to do this.
It would irritate most women.
Start taking time out yourself, if only to sit in the car with a book/ phone and a coffee.

That’s why I asked what he had been doing in that time.

If that was my DH he would have been doing about 3-5 hrs of cleaning, laundry and possibly will have cooked. I’m not going to complain at him popping out for another hr.

Plus he’d probably will have waited so he can take our eldest for a cut too.

generally women don’t do that.
I think a lot of men would prefer to be picking up dog sh* on the side of the road than to be trapped in the company of wife and small kids. This is the tactic he is using. Sit on his arse and scroll while they are out and all business as soon as they come in the door. She has the kids all day and he heads out for a haircut as soon as she steps in. Totally takin the piss

OP for what its worth, I get you completely. My dh is like this and it drives me insane. It is selfish and inconsiderate.

I get it OP. You are in the trenches with two small children. It's really hard and you need a break. I remember being on maternity leave and if my husband was 30mins late home from work I'd be climbing the walls 😂. We both found it difficult when the kids were small and every bit of free time was a negotiation. Seems OTT now when I look back on it but at the time trying to fill the hours with the kids solo as well as chores etc was hard work. It's intense and emotions can run high. Send your husband with the kids to the next birthday party. And your partner should absolutely be getting his haircut during the 8hrs you were out of the house and not as soon as you got home. YANBU

Of course children can be taken to the barbers, B&Q and the PO but one poster was suggesting that they should all go together and even go to the barbers and wait in the gym foyer for dad.

My point was that it is very very boring to wait at the barbers and gym foyer waiting for dad so why on earth should the OP do this? The children can't really wait alone for dad to be finished at the gym so mum would have to go as well and that sort of defeats the purpose of sending them out with dad. Dad still gets alone time and mum still has no free time.

Children going on errands isn't the issue - the issue is that some of the suggestions (making a whole family trip of it) still doesn't address the issue that mum has to be "on" at all times to facilitate dad's time to be "off"

OP - can he not take the kids with him to give you a break (in a nice clean house) by yourself?

Again, DH and I do that for each other when 1 has been out with DC all day.

Of course he could but his modus operandi is to prioritise his wish to chill, be lazy and avoid parenting his kids so instead he will go out on his own from a no doubt messy house leaving OP to juggle cooking with supervising 2 young children.

I think the point was that mum would give up her free day the following day, because husband has to go to BnQ and the post office or whatever.

She doesn't have to - husband can take the kids with him to run errands.

There's strictly no need to become a martyr and give up on he free time because kids would have a better time at a playpark than running errands.
Husband used his child-free day to do whatever he wanted, he has the kids the following day, it's not that difficult.

I agree with you but I don't think the OP is looking to martyr herself - it was other posters suggesting they should all go together to where he wants to go that I'm objecting to.

Saying that though - she would have to be there for the children if his plan is to go to the gym!

Oh God, this. “It took me an hour and a half and I had to drive to four different Sainsbury’s but I managed to get those yoghurts the kids like! What’s for dinner, I’m starving? Did they do their homework?”…..

You w er eng wrong 🤬

I'm sure you're drop dead gorgeous? This is abuse.

Why come on here asking “AIBU” and then get arsey when some people say yes YABU? If you didn’t want to hear peoples’ honest opinions, why bother posting in the first place? 🤷🏼‍♀️

This, for all the poster who are being deliberately provocative, maybe they are male, and for the females who couldn't understand the op, which to my mind was easily understandable....

Children grow up, they see who brought them up, they see the responsive, responsible parent who was there for them, they see the one who cared and made them feel most safe, the one who spent their time listening and giving up their time.

They also see the other one who neglected family time, made excuses, chatted shit, kept 'nipping out' and putting themselves before the family unit, and willfully misunderstanding time management to get out of parenting. They see the selfishness of purposly ignorant dads who need guiding to do the right thing and who then kick off for not being instructed peoperly to get out chores and parenting, they see the unfairness of mothers trying to make iron clad arangements that are broken like some kind of game of one upmanship, and they see the continual dissapointment of mothers who are continually let down and then having to swallow their anger to make peace ensue.

Yeah, kids grow up and they remember what arseholes their fathers were and in some cases mothers, whereby one parent was taken advantage of and taken for granted, this behaviour with selfish people never gets better only easier as the kids age, but by then disgruntled partners and neglected kids have already formed their opinions of you.
You hear it a lot, "my dad never did anything with us, he was hardly there".

Useless is the word.
Op, you may as well be a single, cause all you will lose is another child who is far more selfish than your own children.

And another point is these absent dads who spent their years avoiding family life are the ones who end up with partners who resent them, who find it difficult to love them because of their astoudingly selfish behaviour.

And it it usually those men who harp on that their wives don't give them enough attention/sex/love and have to look elsewhere for fun/love/attention/ego thrills.

It is these very men who neglect family life who believe they deserve extramarital affairs, every time.

Oh bloody hell… I can just imagine what everyone else is thinking in the post office 😆 poor kid!

She absolutely loves it, but ok. Hard to imagine people have different likes and dislikes, hey, but I promise you, not everyone is/thinks like you. Incredible, right?!

Sure ok, what a treat! 😊

I know! She's a lucky kid! 💅 Like you treat your kids with horse riding and Disney trips every weekend, good for you!

Good grief, Disney?? Never!
My two… teens so it’s sports clubs, friends and the occasional dog walk I drag them out on with the promise of strolling en route for a pastry!

I think both me and DH are finding it hard to find things fun.

this sounds shit. If you’re finding everything a chore, as you say, maybe time to mix things up and not feel like everything has to be done a certain way

sorry! Wrong thread!