To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

Op, your post was perfectly clear, I understood from your 1st post what the point was. Don't know whether some are being deliberately obtuse or just want an argument or to misuse that fuckin word narcissist 🙄
Have an original thought people, its lazy.

Anyway your dh is a chancer, I hope you take time to yourself. He can take them to next birthday/play date and you take yourself to a wee spa day.

Could the children not have gone with him to B and Q and the post office. That is how I entertain mine.

Not if he’s planning on going to the gym and get his haircut first, and then going straight on to the post office and B&Q …

You are correct. Remember that there are basement dwelling teen boys and young men that come on here just to tell women that every single thing you do is wrong.

It's just so utterly silly to diagnose narcissism from a single post, but I've noticed a poster doing it in one line regularly and I think it's likely the same person using multiple accounts to kick women down.

Clearly you are not unreasonable to expect a man with the responsibility of two young kids to use his time effectively and wisely. Like so many men though, he chooses to behave as though you are the default parent.

You do need to even the situation up before resentment erodes any love you have.

Tell him simply, I will not discuss the minutae but for every minute you take for yourself, I am taking the same. Be it haircuts, charity work, or just slobbing on the sofa whilst everyone else was out.

It will give him a truer picture of what you do and also give you a better sense if freedom.

I totally get it. He should be getting them things done in all that free time while your out with the kids and then take them off your hands when you get back or co parent with you. He is lucky he is getting so much time to himself and should be grateful and offering you some time aswell not trying to take more time. If anyone is controlling it's him.

My DH does the same thing and it drives me mad! We're going to counselling now because I've become so resentful of how little respect he has for my time.

In a way, being a parent means that your freedom is somewhat restricted. As joint parents, how is it fair that he gets to have hours alone doing fuck all AND a haircut when she gets no alone time at all that day? That's not trying to stop him getting his haircut, it's about expecting him to respect that she has completely taken the parenting responsibility for most of the day and not take the piss by expecting even more. If it happens on a regular basis he is basically indicating that he considers that his time is more important than her time and, well, fuck that!

Then I think I would suggest that we all have an outing together. We can watch him having his haircut, sit in the foyer of the gym and enjoy ourselves at B&Q and the PO.

Who wants to hang around at the barbers and gym foyer though? Boring as fuck and the children would need to be entertained for the whole time!

if your children are entertained by sitting in the foyer of a gym for an hour, then watching their father having a haircut, then being dragged to B&Q and the post office… Fair play.

Most wouldn’t be.

OP, you have been entirely clear, certainly in your subsequent posts. Certain posters are acting like complete gobshites; gleefully deploying faux-psychological terms to ejaculate spite and malice in your general direction. Ignore the poor gombeens.

Your frustration is understandable. Your resentment is justified. Your husband is indulging in large chunks of free time that he isn't reciprocally making available to you. His alone time is free time to enjoy as he wishes. His tasks/chores do not impinge on that time - they are completed while you do childcare and/or your own tasks. When do you get free-free time? It's piss-taking and it's unfair.

I don't know how you might address it. Talk to him. Try to make him see the unfairness? Unfortunately, his actions are suggestive of an entitlement and lack of consideration for you that do not bode well.

put the gym aside (and many of them have creches, which is how some of us do go to the gym) not everything is "entertainment" because we all have stuff to get done, so most of us do take the kids along.

It's more an outing when you are 1 and 4 that when you are 12 , it's much easier to take them with you when they're young and curious about everything.

The fake naivety and outrage on here is ridiculous, as if it's unheard of a child going with a parent to BnQ or the post office 😂

Suddenly on MN children only go to carefully curated activities with one parent when the other one hides all the chores from them. Yes, right, it totally happens in real life.

B&Q and a quick visit to the PO, fine. Expecting them to be entertained in a gym for an hour or so, and then sitting still while their DH gets a haircut… Why the hell should they? This is not entertainment for kids. The DH in this case could have quite easily have had his haircut in the 7 1/2 hours that the op was out of the house with the kids. He chose not to. He did whatever he wanted during the day, and then decided to go and have his haircut when she got back. Expecting her to make the dinner as well.

Why would you take your children out for a whole day without him, assuming it was a weekend? I would want my children to spend that time as a family with their father - ok a birthday party but I wouldn't then have gone on somewhere after

Some of these posts are astonishing! Of course OP is not being unreasonable.
And wtf is taking them to watch their father have a haircut then waiting for him in the gym all about?!

Team @letsmakebiscuits here. The DH is a chancer and need to give his children's mother a break.

Presumably because she thought it would give him time to do what he needs to do, as well as a little space. And in the world of normal, she'd get a little space too, and them they could do something as a family another time.

I remember how the ex would deliberately engineer things so that I never had the luxury of being in the house by myself without a huge list of things to do or somebody wanting something from me. He said I wasn't allowed to do that and if I were to be alone, I had to account for my time being used productively - if I hadn't completed unspecified tasks to his satisfaction, I'd get grief that I was being lazy. At the same time, if I did anything outside of the house, I'd get grief that I wasn't in doing these same unspecified duties - he genuinely used the phrase 'off gallivanting around' without a trace of irony.

I still remember how intense the feeling was when I first had time in the house alone without a mystery list of tasks to complete. I stared at practically every ceiling in the place, out of every window and vaguely in the direction of the TV for hours.

Honestly not sure which side you’re coming from. Kindly.

Don't be ridiculous

he's getting plenty of non parenting time to do things he can't do with the kids, but he's not doing them & then expecting the OP to do more solo parenting so he can piss off on his own to do them. Where's her child free time??

@letsmakebiscuits

your title is doing you NO FAVOURS - you should have asked if it was reasonable fir your DH to have excessive child free time while you have none.

ps the posters comment annoyed me so much that I have committed the sin of not reading the whole thread before replying! I will now

The replies are ridiculous!

& no hairdressers/barbers would thank you fir taking 2 kids, but no reason he can't take them to get the car cleaned.

Good luck with that – I think you are gonna get even more annoyed 😄

He's NOT though, that's the problem.

No she's not, she's just pissed off that having had plenty of child free time while she takes the kids out, he then demands more to do things he could have done solo while she already had the kids on her own.

No it's not - he's taking the piss.

Totally understand OP. Our solution was to split the weekend. I have kids Saturday, he has them Sunday. I invite him to whatever family things I plan for the kids on my day. He can decline if he wants, but most times he joins in and vice versa. Also helps that the things I plan suit me and the kids and I don’t have to compromise with something he wouldn’t like. Even if we don’t have any plans, that parent is responsible for every meal and issue that occurs. Obviously I don’t ignore my kids when it’s my day off, and actually I have more fun with them when I know I’m not prepping dinner, etc that day. This works for us as we both have full time jobs.

Allow him? Give him?

He's an adult. Jeez, you sound a nightmare . 🤷‍♀️