To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

Have they migrated from Tattle.

Agree

Basically mum is out of the house for 8 hours

When they return he suddenly needs to have a haircut so cant help with evening times etc.- God only knows what he is doing in those 8 hours

Yeah that would piss me off too.

Where did I say I think you're being unreasonable?

I haven’t responded to you except in this and the one before.

As others have said you are getting an undeserved hard time on this thread. Your DH thinks the kids are your responsibility that’s the core problem and tries to get out of the day to day at every opportunity.

My ex was like this and there’s no greater turn off, you care that he gets time out and it’s really upsetting when you realise he doesn’t mind if you’re run ragged as long as it doesn’t effect him or his time off. I hope things change for you.

I'm sure you're a lovely person and a brilliant mum.
I reckon when you're on spring walks with your 'DC', lambs burst forth from the wombs of their mothers in joy.

I don't appreciate being advised that my personal grief is anything to do with you.

I'm sorry if I inadvertently offended. You offended me.

All the best.

Not sure why you’ve been offended by me. You posted something really nasty to Aurora, and I called you out on it.

We don’t tend to go on spring walks, as DC1 has bad hayfever. But we do love to watch the lambs frolic from our windows

@Bunnycute23 please can you find the post where you say I was a dick to you. On this thread I’ve only responded the the OP and two other posts and none were you. Do an advanced search.

Well Hq disagreed and deleted your post @Bunnycute23

I know exactly what you mean and you’re not being unreasonable, OP. Having small children is such a relatively short, intense period of your lives that I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to spend his time a bit more wisely. It’s just thinking about you and your needs - like, you have been looking after the kids all day so naturally will be exhausted and want a bit of help when you get home… and then he leaves the house?! It would frustrate me too. I think there’s a balance to be struck between trying to carve out some kid free time and him understanding that unfortunately for the next few years he’ll naturally have a bit less free time… as will you. So yeah I get where you’re coming from.

Yeah I’m really confused. Looking forward to seeing h this post where I’ve apparently been a dick

Bloody hel” @Bunnycute23 get yourself out for some fresh air, it’ll do you good 🤞

Yeah, I thought you were very sensitive to what she posted. And you were right with what you said.

That’s just the thing though, I haven’t said anything to her. she has me confused with someone else I haven’t said anything about her loss or her business.

The way your post is written makes you sound controlling, talking of ALLOWING him free time, and of him using the time you allow him makes you sound horrendous. How ever I can see your point, but what is he doing? you say 'something he has wanted to do' but what kind of activity, is it something useful to the family, or is it pure unalloyed pleasure for him. The point is you both need a bit of child free time, could you plan ahead and agree how this will play out at weekend? With activities specified in advance

I don't see it like that.

He has several hours to do things like a haircut, clean the car ect... and instead he waits until he's supposed to be spending time with his family? He could do those things in the free time he has and instead does it when he's supposed to be helping raise his children?

He's not being a parent is he.... he's actively going out of his way to avoid being a parent and keeps leaving it all to OP ...... I'd be annoyed if I was her aswell... he's out of order

You say "no adult gets to allow another adult free time", but that's exactly what's happening. The husband's free time automatically removes the op's, because childcare isn't optional. His freedom only exists because hers is taken away.

Then you tell her how she should spend her time ("leave the cleaning, pour a glass of wine"). So in the same breath, you argue no one should dictate another adult's time while dictating hers.

Get away with your nonsense.

OP I get what you're trying to say. My DH is generally great but also seems to just waste his downtime and then leave chores to inconvenient times which then eats into my own downtime.

It's really frustrating to come back to a tip when you know they could've had a quick whizz round (so easy without kids under your feet) and STILL had time to scratch their nuts and doomscroll for a few hours.

I think you should take it in turns to take the children to events/parties so you get some time to yourself. Think about other ways you can structure your life to have a more equal distribution of downtime and tasks.

What do you mean?

This, all day long.

I’m not sure why some of the other responses are so nasty OP. I didn’t have any trouble comprehending your post. You have two young children, and expect their Dad to… well… occasionally parent them(!) - rather than disappear the moment you walk in, after already having had 8-9 hours of child-free time. It’s not rocket science, and it’s absolutely not unreasonable. I would not be pleased if my DH did this.

You need a serious chat with him about you doing nearly all of the childcare. Beyond this being unfair, it means his quality time with the children is being reduced to basically nothing by the sounds of things. In the example you use, with children that age, it sounds like they’d be more or less ready for bedtime by the time he slopes back home. If he works during the week then what does that leave, after he’s spent Sunday cleaning his garage and walking the dog?? Try reframing it that way if he doesn’t care about running you ragged!

and I disagree there's a problem, so there, be irritated if you can't stand people having different opinions, but that's forum might not be the place for you 😂

Thank you for correcting my spelling, hope you feel better for it 😂

always

when it's the father, they're always wrong,
women must always be the victim

If you don't like him, break up with him. Be with other people. Or not.

You selected this pathway. If its not a pathway you enjoy now, just leave.

It will be fine.

There's a myth that women get 50% of everything. We don't.

If its better to be away from this horrible situation, go.

Money is the least of youd worries.

Yeah I don’t understand why people are ignoring the elephant in the room, which is that women disproportionately and consistently do more childcare and housework than men. Unless op’s relationship completely bucks the trend (and it doesn’t sound like it does, based on her posts!) then she’s literally just saying to him: please don’t take the piss with child free time. He could only go get a haircut at 5pm because he wasn’t thinking, hmm I wonder who will feed and bathe my children?? Like obviously it’s fine from time to time to each get free time but it doesn’t sound like the OP is getting that time. I wonder if some of the nastier posters are from women who don’t have small children or are forgetting how bloody hard it is.