To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

Haven't read the full thread but it's usually very simple;

men will find spectacular ways to get out of "looking after" their own kids. They don't feel any guilt about it because they never really considered it their job in the first place.

it's the same reason so many friends husbands have suddenly discovered golf, cycling, squash...always after their children are born. Funny that.

Nasty.

Yep. Sure. Is it my grief that offends? Being a recent widow doesnt prevent one from opinions. What was nasty? I think you might be making stuff up. But prove me wrong.

I don’t have to prove anything. Being a recent widow isn’t a get out of jail free pass for being offensive.

I wasn't offensive though. You're exceptionally 'nasty'.

Why have I been nasty?

and calling somebody a weak judgemental cow IS nasty.

I think in a relationship without children what you're saying is fair, and perhaps the language the op is using isn't right. But it's not on for the op to have the kids all day, get in the door and rightfully want a break and for her husband to say he's off out to do xyz. That isn't equitable or fair! I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. It's perfectly reasonable to expect turn taking when young children are involved. Even if the husband was doing chores, he was doing it in peace and quiet. A luxury most mothers don't have.

I haven’t posted about my loss. Was your post meant for me? I didn’t quote you in my post and know nothing about your business

This all day long.

@letsmakebiscuits ok - so kindly I think your wording is problematic “allow” is not a word I would ever use for my husband. My kids sure - another adult no.

I get the frustration but I think what you guys need is better communication and addressing the balance of power in your relationship

When did Mumsnet become such an utter fucking cesspit?

OP, notwithstanding the lack of clarity in your first post, I get it.

In our case, it's because DH can be quite disorganised and has very little forward planning ability. So this sort of thing would happen with us a lot when the kids were little too. I'd take them off somewhere and he'd stay home to say, sort out the garden. In my head, that was a max 3 hour job and I' dbe gone for 6 hours. So in the additional three hours, it seemed obvious to me that if he had any other major chores to do, he'd do them so that when I got home after 6 hours, probably knackered, he'd take over. except I'd get home, the garden would be at best half done and he'd be convinced he now had to go do something like get the car cleaned.

Luckily, my DH is not a dick. So over time, we had a lot of chats about this. Part of it was being more prescriptive, both of us, in planning and expectations. So if I took DC out for 6 hours, we would be agreeing in advance what needed to be done and that when I got home he'd be doing x or y.

But it did annoy me.

Now we're in a slightly different place where because he still can't do that planning, he'll ring me and almost ask permission to stay at the gym for a sauna, for example. Drives me mad but in a different way Makes me feel like his mum PLUS the kids are older - I don't need quit the same level of respite from the endlessness of it!

I think you are confusing me with someone else.

The first thing I said to you was ‘nasty’.

That was in response to your response to another poster.

I think you're also confusing me with someone else. Because I haven't said anything nasty. Maybe it was the person I replied to?

That’s quite an assumption considering you know nothing about the OP.

I haven't been nasty at all. I do think you're making this up or are mistaken.

Your reply to that other poster was deleted, so no, I don’t have you confused with anyone. Your post was nasty.

You sent quite a nasty post to me telling me to keep my beak out of your business. I was really confused as you said something about my loss not being an excuse, but I hadn’t posted about a loss. The post has since been deleted

I wouldn't tell him what he has to do and when, but do tell him that when you get back it will be his turn to have the kids. That gives him the option - if he wants to do his chores in a peaceful child free manner he can, otherwise he can do them with the kids with him (kids quite enjoy a car wash!)

biscuits, I also don’t understand why people have been so nasty. I am sat here reading the responses open mouthed.
You have obviously posted here as a mother of young kids who could do with some help and support.
I am child free but I remember my dad doing this, it just made me feel that he got no pleasure from us as children and didn’t really want to be with us. And that’s without me ever thinking as a child how it felt for my mum.

I can see why you're annoyed to be honest. Your husband has 8 hours to himself, to do whatever he needs/wants to do. Yet, as soon as you come home, suddenly he's got to go somewhere or do something that can't wait, but he's had 8 hours to do it in!! I think you need to tell him that if he has child free time, then he needs to make sure he does these things within that timeframe, not expect to do it once you're home. When you come home, you expect him to take over the childcare, so you can have a break.

It wasn't though. And, you reporting it, can't tell me what was nasty?

Have you read many of the posts on this site?

They're awful, generally.

I said the OP was a bit of a drama queen.

I didn't use foul language or abuse.

Interested to know what you do for a job.

No offense meant.

You called her a weak judgemental cow.

And no offence taken. You mean nothing to me.