To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

Ah, I see.

Yes, he's taking the piss.

I don't think you're being controlling. Your husband should be around to take over with the children when you get back.

You deserve some time off as well, and I bet you get a lot less of it than he does.

Do you not discuss arrangements with him?

I think (ignoring the mad posts) if I wasn’t clear apologies … I thought it was clear we’d been out all day, he could have got a haircut at any point during those eight hours but he waits until we’re home.

This morning I took them out because he was doing something for charity which is really nice and I want to support that. But he’s had three hours. I said we’d be back by midday and shock surprise he’s still out. It’s constant and it puts me off saying yes sure because I know it won’t be for two hours or whatever it will be all day.

I completely get you OP. My husband is the same. I took 3 children out the house an entire day 10 hours. I did breakfast til bedtime with all 3. My husband had the day off work so he just slept and scrolled all day. The next day he was off work again and said he would help with the kids but then magically couldn’t as he needed to go to the gym, get his hair cut, go to B&Q, pop to the post office etc etc. he wanted another day off doing any parenting whatsoever. I told him it wasn’t fair for him to go the gym when he’d had an entire day to do his own thing and chosen to do sweet FA.

I said he should have done the gym during his down time, not during my down time.
He seems to be slowly getting the message the more I repeat it

Have you spoken to him about his piss taking tendencies? @letsmakebiscuits

To be fair, your first post isn’t very clear, it read like you were pissed off that he got his hair cut or the car valeted whilst you are out with dc.
Since he is not doing that, he’s waiting to do things until you come back, then YANBU.
Talk to him. “Dave, have you got anything you need to do today. Oh you want to get your haircut. Fine but could you do it whilst I am out with the DC, because I’ve got them all day and I could do with a hand when I get back”.

OP your posts (especially the opening one) are really unclear.

You're sounding like a controlling nut job to some people as a result.

Whereas in fact, you have a very good point.

Your husband isn't pulling his weight with the children, and is leaving everything up to you. I'd be furious if mine did that.

How much kid free time are you getting OP? You need as a couple to sit and look at how family time and adult only time is balanced.

This makes the same point as the OP does but it's much clearer.

Exactly!

That's the big problem.

The OP does most of the childcare and the husband does very little.

He's being unfair and selfish. He needs to realise that he has responsibilities for caring for his children, and giving his wife a break.

Batshit. She’s asking to be treated with basic respect and to have a bit of support with parenting from the children’s father once she is home from hours of solo parenting rather than him fuck off immediately to do something he could have done with the 9 hours child free time he just had, but he was no doubt too busy relaxing safe in the knowledge he can continue to outsource the parenting to his wife, and people will call her abusive if she dares to complain

OP YANBU.

I agree with you. If he's got 8/9 hours to himself then he should be getting the car washed/haircut/gym and whatever else he wants done, in that time not when you arrive home with the kids. What does he do for that length of time if he still needs more time to himself.

I get what you’re saying. Assuming you want to spend time together when you’re home? But I’m not understanding why you’d go to soft play with another mum when he’s at home?
maybe better communication is in order? Tell him what time you’ll be home and then discuss plans for after that time?

Ideally in a fair and equal partnership you should both get equal down time. Is it worth looking at that across the week?

Men can be much quicker to pick jobs that involve going out (eg going for groceries) over tasks like childcare or cleaning. And it’s not unusual when childcare becomes an invisible, acknowledged labour.

What’s the bigger picture in your time and labour division op? I’m wondering if you might be focusing on specific details because you’re not articulating the systemic problem?

I would too.

I said he should have done the gym during his down time, not during my down time.

that makes sense, and yes, of course in that context the partner is unreasonable.

The OP is very badly worded, it's nothing to do with "allowing freedom" but refusing to parent when it's his turn and finding excuses for it.

No, I think what's she's saying is that he doesn't do things he needs to do when he's alone and waits until they aren't away.

I started sending one of the kids with DH for these jobs - if he wants to do it alone then do it in child free time or take a child

Neither of you are wrong.

Yes, he should parent equally

but WHO uses the words "allowing freedom"?

If my DP talked about “allowing” or “giving” me time to do stuff, the relationship wouldn’t last five minutes.

And if a woman posted here that her DH did likewise, she would be told that he was controlling and abusive, and that she should dump him.

Are you trained in identifying piss taking husbands?

No, she doesn’t care what he does in his free time. She cares that she has sole care of the children a disproportionate amount of the time as he always has things to do that don’t involve the kids. When does OP go for her haircut? Or have a cup of tea?

🤣

You sound abusive.