To not want to allow DH any freedom because he takes the piss with it?

[letsmakebiscuits]

Title probably sounds a bit more provocative than intended. But hear me out.

So we have two young kids - age one and four. Obviously they are a lot of work.

Whenever I have them solo DH uses the time to do things he’s obviously wanted to do for a while; fine. Except then he just takes the piss with it. So for example - a couple of weeks ago I took the children to a birthday party in the morning and then another mum suggested we go to soft play. It wasn’t very local so DH was alone from half nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. He still wanted to get his hair cut. Or I’ll take them to the park for a few hours to let DH do something but then he’s wanting to get the car valeted or something.

It gets on my nerves. I think he should use the (ample) time I give him for these tasks. AIBU?

Depends upon the reader's POV, really - whether they see my ex's opinions as entirely justified or abusive/controlling.

I'm sure his ex girlfriend, sidepiece, workmates, etc, took his view on the matter, though.

RTFT.

I’m no clearer.

OK. The OP uses phrases very much like my ex and posters who agree with her sound like his 'team'.

I, of course, saw it differently, as may some other posters. Either way, the best thing that happened was the end of the relationship - I wasn't being controlled, he had various people to tell him he was being abused and of course he was right that I should have done everything in the allocated timeslot.

Maybe that's what needs to happen with the OP.

I’m presuming this means that you think that the OP is the controlling one – like your DH?

Have you RTFT?

Language aside, OP is asking whether it is unreasonable for her to be upset that DH decides to sit on his backside all day while she is out with the kids - for nearly 8 hours - and then as soon as she gets back, decide he needs to go out and do his errands. Leaving her to watch the DC and make dinner.

Humans are not caged birds

A tad dramatic.

How about next time there's a birthday party you say, "Honey it's your turn to take Victor to a birthday party. The party is from 2 to 4 pm and it's for a kid named Connor. I've texted you the address. Here is Connor's birthday gift. I'm going to the grocery, see you at 4:30 pm. Love you byeeeeee!"

Then go to the grocery or wherever you want!

Or sit at home for the whole 2 hours and when he returns go out to the gym and then get your hair cut and expect you dinner on the table when you return.

If posters were to talk about what a man might "allow" his partner to do we would find it horrifying. This OP is talking about not allowing her partner freedom. It's all just plain weird....

Wow! Is there something wrong with you? Did that make you feel good? Implying the husband is cheating on her because she has the audacity to expect him to help out with his own kids and not fuck off and leave as soon as she gets home with them when he’s had the whole day to get his fucking hair cut.

l have no idea what’s going on on here today, is it a full moon or something?

For the hard of thinking, yes he’s entitled to get his hair cut but he’s had 8 hours in which to do it in. He has waited until the OP has walked in the door with tired hungry kids to go.

Yes it only takes one person to make dinner but he could have done it, he’s had all day. He could have made something that could be reheated and warmed it up as soon as she got home so she’s not trying to juggle cooking and sorting out kids.

Yes he can get his car valeted but why did he not do it when the OP has the kids out? Why does he not want to spend time with them when they get home? Why not take them to the park and let the OP put her feet up for a bit? Or take the kids with him? Nah he wants to spend the time on his own scrolling his phone in peace.

No it isn’t a red flag, anyone who has got that from what the OP has said is either hard of reading or as mad as a box of frogs. Or maybe just being bitchy for the sake of it.

To the poster who is trained to look out for signs of controlling behaviour, where did you get your training? TikTok? Hope you didn’t pay for it, if you did I would ask for your money back because you are spouting shit.

All the posters who are saying they would “run fast and far” “run for the hills” blah blah, well if her husband did she would at least not feel resentful for having to do all the parenting alone while he swans off getting hair cuts and his car washed. In fact, she would probably get some time to herself every other weekend which is more than she gets now by the sounds of it.

OP I’m sorry you have got such a hard time on here today, it is fucking nuts. Some people should feel utterly ashamed of themselves for the nasty way they have gone on to someone who is looking for support. They must obviously be the cool girls who don’t mind their husbands taking the piss. Fucking mugs.

OP, I cannot see that you’ve answered as to what he does while you are out?

Both DH and I do this sometimes, but he (like I) will be doing some housework in peace then relaxing before the other comes back.

We both agree that we don’t get the house to ourselves very often, why should the one without the kids waste it by running outside chores?

Admittedly the one who was at home will often take one or both kids with them when they pop out - would this work for you?

Op worded it poorly.

but what is she is asking is, is it okay for my DH to sit in his backside all day whilst I have the children out of the house for 7 1/2 hours, and then as soon as I get back home, he decides he needs to go out and do some little jobs for himself, Leaving me to take care of the children and put the dinner on?

I’d 100% expect these things to be done while I was out of the house and for him to take over the kids when I got back if I had them from 9:30-4 on a weekend day. 6.5 hours is plenty of time for jobs and relaxing. Basic common sense and adulthood tells you that. Totally with you OP.

Your original post was entirely clear to me, and I'd find that very annoying if my husband did that. It sounds like you've been really thoughtful carving out free time for him, does he do the same for you? Just stop doing it. Only take the 1 kid to the party who's invited etc. Divide and conker rather than doing it all yourself. (And when my husband gets his haircut he takes our son too to get his done at same time...).

He went for a haircut. Hardly a demanding task. Why couldn’t he go and have his hair cut in the 7 1/2 hours OP had the kids for?

I understood what you meant from your first post and you are not being unreasonable! My DP is a bit like this too, I'll try and take toddler out for a bit during one of his days off so he gets some downtime and then as I'm returning/ just before he announces he must go out and do the food shop and buggers off for another hour or two! It really annoys me (and there's never anything we urgently need)

I think most men take the piss if and when they can. We put family first, they put themselves first.

I get what you mean OP - I think the wording of the title has thrown people a bit.

My exh used to do that.

If I took the kids somewhere - either because they wanted / needed to go there or because he’d said he wanted to get done or so some work - he’d spend all that time just resting/ lazing about and then when I’d get back hed
still want to do the task, so I’d still be stuck solo parenting when we got back.

Or he’d start a weekend by saying “I need to do some work this weekend” (we both used to be self employed), so I’d get up with the kids and he’d grant himself a lie-in rather than doing it, then I’d take them out and he’d just laze about, then Sunday morning he might decide he needed to do go for a run or something, and only on Sunday afternoon when he’d already had all weekend to himself would he sit down to the work!

And then of course he had to be allowed to do it because it was work 🤬🤬

Thats a big reason he’s an ex

Sad but ime true!

I just read the post and it wasn’t unclear at all to me. You used exaggerated language for the post but I get why you did. Honestly I get your point.

my advice is, small kids are hard. It is a weird period in your life where you don’t know when you are coming or going and sometimes parents (usually non main carer - often men) don’t think about things such as you want to have some free time yourself. It’s the mental load is on you and it’s hard to make it clear that you need to share and he needs to be organised. A close friend on mine divorced partly as she was sick of having to spell out to her DH how to manage his time and started to feel like his mother.

that said, it does pass and it does get easier.

You ask what to do if DP comes back late when you’ve agreed midday for example.

In that scenario I’d say “DP, you had from 9am to 2pm childfree today, so I’m going to take 9am to 2pm childfree tomorrow.”

On days when he says “I can’t take the kids tomorrow because I need to mow the lawn” you can say either “I’ll mow the lawn and you take the kids” or “that chore will have to wait, because I need my 5 hours of downtime, just like you had. If you wanted to mow the lawn, you should have done that while I was watching the kids. You can mow the lawn when they’ve gone to bed.”

Only when his absence starts affecting him will he understand how it affects you. So, for the next kids birthday party, don’t take him with you, send him with the kids instead of you and when he returns, go out to get your haircut.

What’s good for the goose 🤷‍♀️

If my partner was in the business of thinking they could decide if I was ‘allowed’ free time and also that they could dictate how I use it then they would not be my partner for very much longer.

I agree with you on that point, my 1 yo and 4 yo love going to the post office (lots to learn, and my 4 yo gets to sticks stamps etc, loves it). Even B&Q entertains them for a bit (they love the colour cards for Valspar paints 😅). Don't think they'd like it if it was all we did or if it was every weekend, but it's part of life admin really.

YANBU. He can't just wander off when he feels like it and always leave you with the DC because you need some free time as well.

Leave him with the DC tomorrow, it's your turn for 5-8 hours of free time.