Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

I think the healthy thing to do here is to forget about the nonsense from your parents, and instead have a fun holiday and then use the cash for other treats or an investment towards your future.

You’re right.

What your parents should have said is:

”Your brother has been a dick and not saved anything, but we still want you both to come and therefore we are going to pay for both of you to be there. Also, DD, congratulations passing your exams.”

The outcome would be the same, but you wouldn’t feel like he’s getting something for being feckless.

Your parents are basically doing a kind thing, but they’ve fucked up the delivery of it.

Where did I ever say that!

I said I COULD have saved one, had I not been funding the exams. I put myself through hell for a year to save, he gets to doss around, and still gets the trip for free. That is what’s undair.

Is it possible you are coming at this from the wrong direction and what might have happened is as follows:

It's time to pay up and your brother let's slip he doesn't have the cash. Your parents are disappointed that the holiday with both their children might not happen so decide to pay for him. It's then unfair to you. They offer to pay for you too to redress the balance but rather than frame it as, we had to do this as your brother hasn't stuck to his end of the bargain (perhaps because of the attitude to your brother you've shown here?), they frame it as a treat for passing your exams ie a spurious reason for a free holiday so you won't be holier than thou to your brother the whole time?

No. What they should have said is “well done Family. Brother as you didn’t bother to save, you’re not coming”

Just say you'll pay your share of the holiday and they can give you a different gift.

but but, you are getting a holiday and still keeping your savings. Your brother will get the hoilday and have empty pockets at the end of it.

OP, I get where you’re coming from. It’s easy to say you’ve got £3k now, which your brother doesn’t have — but it’s about the sacrifices you made, and the hard work you put in, to save that £3k. I think it might also have helped if your parents had said they were paying for you because they’d decided to pay for your DB — on the grounds he’d not saved anything — rather than linking it to your exam success.
Is he the golden child?

I feel for the parents here. They might want a nice holiday with both their children but with the size of the chip on OP’s shoulder, it sounds like it’ll be awful.

Perhaps he’s just a much nicer person and someone they would rather spend their holiday time with.

No, because that’s still wrong. Their disappointment doesn’t matter. He agreed to pay and can’t. Therefore he can’t come.

But you ARE being rewarded. You now have savings you didn’t have before.
You can go on another holiday with that money if you want. Your brother won’t be able to…

The ingratitude here is phenomenal.

You should be ashamed.

I don’t really know, I’ve never looked at it like that before. It just feels totally unfair that they’ve seen how hard I worked, he’s done nothing, and he still gets a lovely holiday!

I understand your frustration YANBU regarding feeling shortchanged but you should have known how this post was going to turn out on mumsnet! I hope you have a lovely holiday 😍

I agree. Don’t go on the silly holiday. That will really show them how wrong they all are, and then they’ll be really sorry!

the longer I live, the more I see that no good deed goes unpunished.

But now your are going on a free holiday, you have passed your exams and you have got all the money that you have saved.

Your brother has a free holiday.

You've still done better than he has. I really don't know why you are upset.

That reward is for my own hard work. He shouldn’t be coming on this trip.

Nope. Expecting parents treat their children equally is not ungrateful and she has no reason to be ashamed.

Christ you really are awful.

I’m starting to feel sorry for your brother to be honest.

You might despise him but your parents love him. They want him on the holiday. £3,000 as a well done for your exams would be obscene so of course they are making it fair by paying for him too.

If you don’t like it, pay for your own holidays in future and grow up.

I totally get it, @FamilyHolidayTroubles. I suspect those of us who have had similar family dynamics will. Obviously the only way forward is to feel hugely annoyed but then go and enjoy the holiday and think about what you will do with your 3k. But YANBU to be really riled.

It’s not going to be a lovely holiday for him though is it? It’s not as if you are going to let this go and let him, or your parents, enjoy it. Not with the massive entitlement and immaturity shining through from this thread.

I think I understand we’re your coming from .
Maybe tell your parents you have saved enough for the trip and will pay and they give you a different gift for passing your exams.
It seems they have discovered your DB hasn’t saved so have come up with the gift idea to help him rather than you .

This is very dramatic. Yes, professional exams as an adult are hard, but you do them with a view to making your life better in the future - you know what they entail. You didn't make those sacrifices in order to have a free holiday, you made those sacrifices so you could have a better career. You did that for yourself.

I honestly can't imagine a situation in which the £3k I'd saved for something suddenly wasn't needed, and therefore was mine to do with as I pleased, and stamping my foot about it.

Sometimes parents do nice things for their children, not because they deserve it but because they love them. Your parents obviously want to spend quality time with you both as they realise family holidays are limited when the children become adults.
I am sure they were disappointed that your brother didn’t save for the holiday but in the end their desire to have a lovely holiday with you both won out. They tried to make it fair by paying for you both.
I hope you can make peace with this and enjoy and appreciate the holiday with your family and not be resentful.
You should also be very proud of yourself for passing your exams, your reward for this will be a fulfilling career (something many people don’t have).