Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

do you not grasp the op pockets the £3k she had saved towards the holiday?

It's hard to tell from OP's responses so far whether we're looking at a golden child situation or OP just enjoys playing the victim.

How can it be a golden child situation when they are both 2 adults getting the same free holiday.

You sound emotionally immature.
I do get why you might be slightly annoyed but do you not realise most parents would want to pay for both kids? I could not leave one child out.
Your parents are probably very proud of your achievement, leave it at that and take their gift as its intended. And grow up.

It doesn't sound like you like your brother much, which could of course be entirely justified. So how will you actually be able to enjoy a holiday with him? I think you either need to accept your parents' decision (spend the money you've saved on something that you need or want and wouldn't normally afford that brings you joy) or stand by your principles and tell them you're pissed off and that you no longer want to accept it. Either way, you need to find a way of getting over this because it's turning a lovely gesture by your parents, for both of you, into a source of controversy that they never intended and would be extremely hurt by.

I'd have this attitude if OP paid for her own trip and her brother got his gifted. But they are BOTH getting a free holiday.....

she pockets her own money

Well done on passing your exams!

So:
You have passed your exams and have a great future ahead of you
You have a lovely holiday paid for by your parents
You also have £3k in the bank which you have saved

OK, you have a lazy feckless brother.

So what are your options now?

-Make a massive bad tempered fuss to your parents, demand that they cancel his holiday (which they won't ) and risk them cancelling the holiday altogether
-Go on the holiday and seethe the whole time, making it a miserable experience for all of you, including yourself
-Decline on principle to go on the holiday and sit at home on your high horse
-Go on the holiday, enjoy yourself , looking forward to your enhanced career prospects and being glad you have £3k in your bank

Your brother does not have your qualifications, career prospects or savings.

Rewards are intrinsic, not extrinsic.

Or continue looking like a whining spoilt brat toddler? Your choice. Your parents may be pandering to your brother but that's a lifelong issue. You can choose this moment to torpedo your holiday or not.

Honestly leave it x

--

So a timeline of the events, as i understand, is:?

Son: 'mum i havent saved enough for the holiday'
mum: 'okay'

mum, days later: 'well done daughter, as a well done for passing your exams, I will reimburse you the money for the trip, and you will go free 🤗'

mum: also, since i'm doing this expressly for you, i have to let son go free, its only fair?

--
Is that accurate?

*For me, what would piss me off is the 'oh we're going to treat you due to passing your exams'

Then it emerging that the mum had done this to cover up for son not saving.*

I disagree with your reasoning though, that you worked for the money and he didn't - that is unreasonable, sorry girl x

Yes!! So she gets the holiday AND keeps the £3k she saved

I dont see how its a gift for op dping so well and then the brother gets the same gift for doing nothing. If I was at work and got a bonus for doing a incredible job on a really hard project, then Doris who had shirked work and rwally not pulled her weight got the same bonus just because I would be pissed off and so would most people.

This is probably one of the most entitled, stroppy, immature OPs I’ve read in years. And on MH, that’s saying something!

OP, by your mid twenties it is very normal to have studied and passed exams. Most people have and many of them didn’t get rewarded. Many of them also fund independent living and more than one job, or a job on top of the work that is done as part of their studies. It’s just life and life is not fair.

It’s great that you are proud of yourself and your parents are proud of you for doing what is expected for your age but you need to grow up and act your age. It’s going to be a very bitter and unhappy future ahead of you if you maintain this attitude and entitlement.

But it's a gift to both of you now

Maybe your brother did save. But when they said they were paying for you, he decided not to go and say he didn’t have the money. And I would not blame him . You should both be treated the same . Your parents are doing the right thing .

Well it is because now you have £3k to put in savings, he doesn’t.

is. If they’d helped me with my exams I could’ve had a house deposit by now, but they said it would be my responsibility. But he doesn’t have to take that responsibility?

So is your brother getting a house deposit but you aren't?

Why is it your parent's responsibility to fund your exams? They already help
by having you live at home.

It's unfair. BUT the upshot will eventually be that he's one of life's losers. Being pampered and pandered to by parents isn't a long term life plan. My DH's sister is a key example. The only family member not to own a home. Struggles financially because she pisses it all up the wall. Still needing parental support in her 40s. NOT because she's still studying etc, just because she can't do adult life herself.

No - but he’s also doing fuck all. Spending all his money.

Do you both pay rent to your parents? Does your brother work?

I dont see how it's a gift for op dping so well and then the brother gets the same gift for doing nothing. If I was at work and got a bonus for doing a incredible job on a really hard project, then Doris who had shirked work and rwally not pulled her weight got the same bonus just because I would be pissed off and so would most people.

@Imhereagainseriously

Seriously read back what you wrote. The OP still has the saved money, your analogy is stupid.

OP...

Would you rather your parents told your brother he couldn't come because he hadn't saved?

Do you actually want to go on holiday with your brother at all? Whether he'd saved or not? You seem to loathe him. I wouldn't go on holiday with someone I loathed.

I think you need to take a step back. I don't know if this is a golden child situation or you're just very invested in being a victim. If it's the former you need to take a big step back from the whole family, find a support network elsewhere and reduce your emotional investment in the sibling dynamic. It's probably a good idea not to go on this holiday.

If it's the latter you probably shouldn't go on the holiday either as it sounds like it'll be very unpleasant for everyone.

So... don't go on the holiday if you're this upset about it.

Distance yourself from them. Accept no more trips.

It's always going to rankle that the golden child is the one that is actually the loser. Have less to do with them to minimise their emotional impact on you and take a little bit of your power back.

As PP just said, maybe don't bother with the trip? Your parents don't care that much about you. Your bro is a selfish twat. You may well be going to a FAB location, but you'll feel like shit while you're there. I'd give it a swerve. Genuinely is what I'd do in your shoes (understand not everyone would feel this way of course).

If they’d helped me with my exams I could’ve had a house deposit by now, but they said it would be my responsibility.

But they’re let you continue living at home and I promise you, no matter how much you think you’ve paid towards it that they have picked up the significant financial shortfall. That is helping you. You’re just too immature and blinkered to see it.

You are correct. It's not fair.

It's also incredibly unhelpful to your brother that your parents are enabling his poor life decisions and teaching him that he can fuck up and somebody else will pick up the pieces and make sure he doesn't 'miss out'. This is why there are so many useless manchildren in the world, mummy and daddy pick up after them and they never learn to take responsibility for their own actions.

However: it's also none of your business. Your parents are doing this because as they get older, they know time is getting shorter and they have fewer opportunities to have holidays like this with both of their children. It's not about you or him; it's about them and their desire to make memories with their children while they still can.

So yes, you can choose to be infuriated by it. Or you can choose to be grateful that you know the value of hard work and reaching your goals (while your brother clearly doesn't). Your parents are likely far more proud of you than your brother, for whom they are just picking up the pieces. More importantly, YOU should be proud of yourself because not only did you save a considerable amount while also studying for difficult exams, you now have a good sum to put towards life stuff, whatever that may be - house deposit, another dream trip, new car, whatever floats your boat. Your brother has none of that. You cannot control what your brother or parents do, but you can choose to be proud of yourself and allow your parents & brother to do whatever.

No - but he’s also doing fuck all. Spending all his money.

So he is not getting a deposit but you should because you did exams. Right! We'll have a fab holiday!

Yes that's not fair. Just like so many other things in life are not fair.

I would say that you have three options,

1:Go, accept that you cannot change the unfairness of the situation so make the best of it and enjoy yourself.

2: Go, but bitch, moan and sulk about the unfairness of it and allow yourself to have a rubbish time. That'll show your parents.

3: Don't go.