Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

From one or two of OPs comments, in her eyes there is a bit of a "golden child" thing going on.

Under those circs, just tantrumming at the parents isn't going to change anything. Unless the parents then say "oh OP grow the fuck up, you're not invited now).

So what OP needs to do is look to moving away from a family dynamic that she believes favours her brother over her (I'm not going to judge on that, i treat my DC differently on different occasions according to what they need at that time). She needs to move out (into shared accommodation if necessary) and concentrate on building her career to earn enough to buy a house etc.

What her brother does has absolutely no bearing on what she decides to do. Then, in future, brother can live with the parents and support them through old age.

And of course, there is the danger that they might leave their house to him, and/or the bulk or all of their estate. There is nothing OP can do to change that anyway, so why not focus on herself and stop hankering after (possibly perceived) notions of what others have?

The parents want their son to presumably make the holiday enjoyable for them

Whilst I can see where you’re coming from and the ‘injustice’ of it, and having a feckless brother who got way more than I did, I can honestly say it’s not worth the fight. Try to focus on the positives of it all - free holiday, personal pride at achieving your qualifications, working two jobs and achieving the savings of 3k. He might’ve got away with it this time, but ultimately long term you’re in a significantly better position and will continue to progress and thrive, he’s not on the same level.

It is unfair, but all this resentment and fury will achieve is negative feelings for you, nobody else will give a shit!

Gosh, Op. Sometimes anger can be healthy and motivating…but your level of anger here is swallowing you up. It’s not healthy. How does this anger serve you? What are you gaining from it? Do you want to move on or do you want to just stew away in your own bitterness?

You can’t change what’s happened and have no control over your parent’s choices but you do have control over your own.

By all means vent to get it out of your system but then you need to find a way to move forward and not just spiral further into bitterness. You sound deeply unhappy. I would very much recommend some therapy.

You keep saying this but the irony is my parents love me and we get on really well, so it’s not the insult you think it is!

OP you’re presumably a grown adult. Yet you’re expecting to be rewarded by your parents like a small child. Unless these exams were your GCSEs and they promised you £100 for every Astar, grow up. The exams were for your career. Not to please mummy and daddy and get a reward. Seriously, who the fuck expects their parents to give them £3000 for passing exams beyond the age of 16?

I understand your perspective OP. I think you need to distance yourself from family a bit and not take holidays etc. with your parents in future. I would avoid situations like this completely, where your parents are in control and can make you feel like this due to their unbalanced way of dealing with you and your brother.

You will never convince your parents or brother to see it from your perspective, you can only choose how you react to situations like these. In future, I’d avoid getting into them in the first place, all you can do is to learn from it and try to avoid a similar situation.

You have control of how you spend your hard-earned funds, instead of feeling like second place all the time. Choose your own holidays and go with friends instead. However, in your place, I’d focus all my time on saving a deposit ASAP to leave home and have your own space and independence.

I can see where you're coming from OP, and I'm sensing he gets the 'golden boy' treatment which can be very annoying. However, would you rather he not go, really? Make hay with the money you've saved, catching up with friends you've missed seeing, get your hair done, buy yourself something nice and smile to yourself because that's the real gift, not the holiday ☺️💕

I don’t doubt they love you op

Bloody hell. Are you 8 years old? This reminds me of my CHILDREN, “but muuuum, he has a bigger slice of cake”, “muuuum she has more Lego than meeee”. Grow up!

For what it’s worth I think your parents are treating you both equally, as most parents would. You don’t give to one without the other, regardless of the reason.

You are an adult, be proud of your accomplishments for you. Your achievements have absolutely nothing to do with your brother. Stop the childish comparisons. His life, how he lives it and how he’s treated by others is none of your business. You don’t get a say.

OP, do you actually know that your brother has no savings? Is it possible he just doesn't want to pay out for a holiday with his mum and dad?

I have said multiple times I didn’t expect any reward - which is why I broke my back to save for the trip.

what I’m pissed off about is them pretending they’re gifting it to me, just to turn around and do the same to my brother after he’s not saved any money.

If he’s saved and lied that’s fraud, so I’d hope he’s not done that.

@FamilyHolidayTroubles I think you’re getting a REALLY hard time here. I totally agree with you.

if the holiday hadn’t been given as your “reward/treat” it wouldn’t be as galling. A bunch of flowers as a well done and then a separate holiday situation would have been perfectly fine. It’s the way golden boy gets to swan off on holiday having done naff all.

Honestly, in the long term I’d just have a long break from holidays with the family. In the short term there really isn’t much you can do except seethe silently at home. I’m guessing even if you mentioned it to your parents you’d come off as looking worse.

My advise is try to let it go. It will eat you up otherwise. You can’t control other people’s behaviour but you can control how you respond to it. Xx

Good grief

If I ever heard that either of my adult children was behaving as selfishly as you are on this thread, when I was spending £3k on them for a holiday, that child would not be coming on the holiday.

This is very telling. Why would you read a statement that your parents like your brother as implying that they don’t like you?

Do you honestly think that if he didn't come - what with your improved life prospects and £3,000 savings and you sailed off with your parents through Security shouting 'nahnee nahnee poo poo Im going and you're not because you're only a lazy barman' over your shoulder - you'd feel completely justified and happy about it?

That's not fraud. You should know that 😂people are allowed to keep their finances private and still receive gifts from their parents.

fraud?

ffs, get your head out of your backside. This is a family not XYZ PLC

You keep saying you worked so hard for nothing, but you have 3k saved that you wouldn't have had. Yes, you might have preferred the free time and an easier ride during your exams, but that wasn't an option given to you by your parents. They're the reason you had to save the extra money, not your brother. Also, you chose to do it, the holiday wasn't mandatory!

You keep saying they wouldn't have paid for you if it weren't for you passing your exams, but you also say they repeatedly told you both that you had to save or you wouldn't be coming. They've since backtracked for your brother, so chances are they'd have backtracked for you too.

Obviously, your preference is to go on the holiday for free and for your brother to miss out. But, out of interest, which of the following options would you choose? a) you pay for the holiday as planned and your brother isn't able to go or b) you both go for free and you keep £3k

And out here in the real world you would be breaking your back just to be able to eat

Sorry that the boomers broke the housing market?

oh dear @FamilyHolidayTroubles it sounds like you really hate your brother and the is what is at the root of your anger.

You also sound about 12 and if any of my adult DC behaved like this they would not be coming on holiday.

Btw I am a solicitor and the SQE are no harder than any other professional exams

Yes. Lying for financial gain.