Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

I think you’re the entitled one and should do them all a favour and say you can’t go.

Yep

for the safety of your family

omg just thought.. are you going to have to share a bedroom with your brother??!

How is their giving him money creating a problem for you?
Do you feel the celebration of your professional achievement is being cheapened in some way because he's getting the same treat without earning it?

I can see how this will play out in a few years too.

your DB lives at home forever, you move out as you have a great career that keeps getting better due to your hard work and dedication (starting with these exams). Your parents pass and leave you the same amount of inheritance. You claim this is unfair as your DB has always lived at home therefore probably paying little to nothing in ‘rent’ food etc etc.

i totally appreciate your mindset but this way of thinking won’t stop if you don’t reframe this now.
It will eat at you and fester this growing resentment.

you worked really hard for not just your exams but your extra jobs to save for a holiday (which btw if saving for a holiday was going to cause so much stress/burn out a conversation with your parents should have happened months ago - but that’s a separate issue).

so look at it as you now have £3k to start saving for a house deposit and your brother has £0. You get to hopefully enjoy a family holiday now too (whether you think it’s fair or not for your parents having both their children with them on holiday is their choice and what they would like - so respect that from their pov and the memories THEY want to make (as aging parents as you quite rightly point out) they were never going to tell him not to come as they want him there as he is their child. I imagine if they said he couldn’t come then the holiday would be tainted by a gaping hole for them where your DB ‘should’ have been and would be upsetting for them. Also them ‘rewarding’ his bad behaviour won’t do him favours in the future but that is their problem and not yours.

you know the hard work it takes to earn that extra £3k so you can build on this deposit for a house with this mentality.

you've mentioned a few times about funding your exams - that is an irrelevant point so again scrap that as that has nothing to do with your parents or your DB.

you mentioned that you have sacrificed and saved, welcome to the world of saving and your reward… £3k that you wouldn’t have had. That in itself you need to reframe as the gift from your parents.

so think of this: your parents have said ‘surprise we are paying for both of you to come on the holiday’’ and your gift @FamilyHolidayTroubles is the £3k you now have to do with as you please whilst your DB has f**k all!

EDIT FOR TYPOS!

You only did a few exams, OP. You both still live at home with your parents so I'm not sure why you think you're so superior to your brother. You're the one coming across as entitled.

The parents appear to have epically fucked up somewhere among the line that they have the OP at 26 behaving like this

You need to let this go.
Life is unfair and the way you deal with that will be the making of you. Be grateful that you passed your exams and you have money in the bank due to your parents generosity.
Maybe talk to your parents if this continues to upset you and explain why you think its unfair. I'm sure they're aware of your personality and will know you're upset. My autistic daughter has your mindset, it can be very challenging to change her views, I've learnt to give my opinion and walk away.

I can understand the frustration. But not to the point I would want the brother to stay home. Your quids in! Yes, you've missed out on things to save, but now you can reap the rewards! And how lucky both you and your brother are to have such generous parents. You dont know 100% that they wouldn't pay if the shoe was on the other foot...you might think thats what would happen. Plus you CHOSE to put yourself through exams etc. Just like your brother chooses to work in a bar....both choices are fine! Try enjoy the free holiday....I would be sooo happy if someone gifted me a free holiday!

Your brothers gift has no impact on yours. You sound unreasonable, childish and self centred. Your anger will poison your relationships with your family and if you don’t get a grip on this it will leach into all areas of your life.

How about, you worked hard and x2 the reward - the holiday and your savings?

You sound a bit like my sister, always focused on what others have got which, in her view, they didn't 'deserve'. She would react exactly like you.

The flip side of it is, there were multiple outcomes here depending on what your parents did:

Make you both pay for the holiday - brother doesn't go = he's punished for not saving, you're at zero (holiday and no savings), he's down a holiday.
Make you pay but gift your brother the holiday = he's up while you're at zero (and may as well not have saved either)
Gift you both the holiday, and you keep your savings?

Is the problem that your free holiday has been labelled a 'reward' for your hard work, yet his isn't a reward for anything?

They're paying for him to come along because it's their money and they want him there.

If they want your brother to go then they should have loaned him the money and said he has to pay back in instalments. I can understand your point of view as the amazingly generous gift of a free holiday for passing your exams is not the same if they are simultaneously rewarding your brother for not saving and not having a major achievement. There’s nothing you can do about it though except enjoy the holiday.

hello pot, can i introduce you to kettle?

Have you looked at the vote results OP? It really doesn't matter whether you stamp your foot and say it's not fair, nothing will change your parents behaviour.

Life isn't fair and you really should have worked that out if you are, as you say you are, 26 years old.

You seriously need to reframe this because carrying that chip on your shoulder into a promising career more likely to harm it than enhance it

Neither have you.

I don't think people are "pissed off because it's a free holiday". Loads of parents take adult kids on holiday, my mum and dad did for me and I do now for my adult children.

Posters are more shocked that a very important professional exam passing 26 year old can sound like a spoilt tantrumming toddler!

you're twenty six, life isn't always fair and things aren't black and white, grow up.

It’s your parents money and they can spend it anyway they choose including giving your brother a free holiday. You may think it’s not right but it’s their choice. End of. You also have the choice to object and not go.

I’m starting to feel like perhaps the brother isn’t the one who has been the overindulged golden child. The OP clearly thinks that she should get a £3k holiday and that the brother shouldn’t be allowed to come and fuck what the people actually footing the bill want. Your parents have just dropped £12k on a holiday and you think you’re the one who should get to choose who comes? What planet are you living on?

I’m wondering if this is real now. It’s starting to feel too on the nose for the oldest child, type A, selfish overachiever stereotype.

I think in some families, money = love. And it feels like your parents are giving it to you conditionally (if you work hard and pass your exams) and your brother unconditionally (just for being fabulous You, son!)

This may be the truth, and that would be hurtful. But having seen this play out in my own family, you are on track to a much more fulfilling life than he is... let that be your 'win'...

Listen, your parents likely asked you both to save the money and were always going to end up saying you could come on the holiday for free. Maybe to try and teach your brother some discipline? Your discipline and hard work is for you and you will be rewarded for it in years to come. Know this and enjoy the holiday and the money with grace.

You are justifiably angry OP and I don't think this thread with people calling you bratty entitled and selfish will help.

Unfortunately the only thing that would help, your parents giving your brother an actual real world consequence for his laziness, isn't going to happen. It's not fair, but you can't stop them paying for him. Try talking to your dad about your feelings, but don't think it'll change their minds. It's clear from how they treat him that they won't. The anger will eat you up if you let it.

What you can do, is just continue to work hard, get out and leave them all to it.

You’ll understand when you grow up. Spoiled babies just need to like it or lump it

You are in for a long, miserable life Op if you expect everything to be fair. Life isn’t fair, there will always be people that do nothing and still get ahead. And there will also be those that work hard and never succeed. Learn to channel Elsa and let it fucking go or you’ll drive yourself demented.

Accept that he’s a deadbeat and your parents enable him and enjoy what benefit you can get or go low contact and have very little to do with them.

Also accepting the massive privilege you have at being able to live at home, on what is likely a lot less a month than if you rented. Some people don’t get that, some would love to do the SQE but can’t do the courses and afford rents. People whose parents made them move out at 18.

Get some perspective because you sound like a jealous toddler.

Can you stop and think why you agreed to this holiday, knowing how much stress it’s added to this year, earning enough to pay for it? You couldn’t afford the money or time this year, so why did you agree to it? Are you the one who’s desperate to go? You were paying for yourself, yet didn’t have the authority to say “this year won’t work for me, I won’t be able to do the extra shifts and exam prep, can we plan on 2026 instead? Or go without me and I’ll do something with friends the year after.”

Dont go, you’ll have too much resentment. Ask for the money they would have paid for your place instead. You were told £3k so ask for that in cash, add it to your savings, use the £6k to move out and rent your own place.

It all sounds unhealthy for adults.