Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

Your poor parents…they just want to go on holiday with their kids and have a nice time and now their adult children are arguing over what’s ‘fair’. There’s not enough wine.

While it doesn’t affect you in a practical sense, you are, quite rightly, aggrieved that you gave up things that your brother did not. You may have been treated equally but not fairly. It’s a way of your parents denigrating your achievements. Is he the golden child?

Take it for what it is, but keep your distance. Accept they are playing games but ensuring they look like they are not. Do not invest emotional energy in your family. Make your own life. Try to do it without hurting them and falling out with them if possible because as they get older they will need your help. Assess how close, both geographically and emotionally, you feel would make you happiest.

You sound entitled. It's their money = you don't get to dictate or sulk.

Honestly OP, this obviously has upset you but you do seem irrationally angry.

Just take the fact you have spare cash and a free holiday as a win.

You really think your parents would be okay to pay for you to go on holiday and leave your brother at home for "punishment"? Are you seven?!

The exam thing is a red herring here, they dressed it up as that for you but it isn't really why they're paying, they're treating you both. A 26 year old passing exams doesn't qualify for a free holiday from parents! You did the exams to progress your career and you will get the benefit of it in time.

Also, it’s three grand over a year whilst you live at home! You have seriously had to work two jobs and sacrifice your physical and mental health whilst always turning down nights out and treats just to save £250 a month?

My mum especially has always given more attention to Dbro, his achievements have been mentioned much more for example, whilst I feel mine are dismissed. BUT, since my late teens I have realised that he isn't as confident as I am and this is her way of boosting him.
Does it hurt sometimes? Yes (even now I am 40 something). Is it ideal parenting? No. But life isn't perfect, she is a lovely mum and he is a lovely brother she has always tried her best and this is just her way of making him feel good I certainly wouldn't whine about it! Things aren't always fair and if you still don't know that at 26 then I am shocked!

Go on holiday, enjoy it then come home, grow up, and move out.

Please explain how giving you a free holiday is a punishment?

My dad died suddenly when I was a teenager. That’s what I’d call unfair!

Even my 13yo is more mature than this.

I think your parents have done a lovely thing for their DC.

Enjoy your holiday!

How is being told you sound autistic rude? That’s implying there is something bad about being on the spectrum. Personally I think it’s up to your parents whether they pay for your brother or not, they clearly want him to be part of the holiday and they’re entitled to want that. I could understand if they were making you pay, but not him. It’s their holiday too. They clearly want you both there and they’re paying for the whole thing, what’s wrong with that? And you now have money to spend, he doesn’t. Sounds like a win win to me.

You don't deserve the free holiday just because you've passed your exams. You're parents have been generous to you both. If you hadn't passed your exams and they agreed to pay for your brother. They probably would have still paid for you. Enjoy the holiday.

Right, you'd prefer to leech off your parents then? Wonderful.

You should work in divorce law.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back

You have been gifted £3k for passing the exams.

You have both been given a free holiday.

JFC. Perhaps your parents have decided to pay for your brother because a holiday just spent with a petulant overgrown toddler crowing about how much better she is than him didn’t sound like much fun.

Perhaps they’ve come into some money that’s made it possible to pay for both of you and they foolishly said it was because of your exams.

Perhaps they always planned to pay for you both but hoped the deception would mean you both saved. You have so well done you you’ve got 3k AND a free holiday, your brother hasn’t.

The fact you paid for your exams is totally irrelevant assuming that you chose to do them. I strongly suspect that if you hadn’t saved they’d be paying for you anyway.

In any event I’d be taking a hard look at myself because 26 is a big age to be stamping your foot and crying ‘it’s not fair’ like this and all the professional exams in the world won’t make that kind of attitude fly in the workplace, where you will also encounter things that you perceive to be unfair.

I think you are being naive. It’s being gifted to you because otherwise your brother would be staying at home. This is their way of making it fair. I seriously doubt if he’d saved the cash whether you’d be getting any sort of reward for passing your exams bar a card and a well done bunch of flowers.

What if your parents simply just said “we’re treating you both to a holiday because we want to spend time together”? Would that be ok? Without any mention of exam rewards?

Now they are things that you have a right to be pissed off about. There are clear double standards there. What do you say to your parents when they make snippy comments about you being lazy? Do you say that you're exhausted from studying and working two jobs to save money for the holiday?

Are they proud of your professional achievements?

You sound like a baby.

saying ‘it’s not fair’ will get you nowhere in life.
Because you saved, you now have £3000 in the bank and a free holiday.
Grow up

That’s a bit different. It’s the fact they framed it as a reward for me (I had to earn it), but he gets away without paying

I can understand why you are disappointed. I can also understand why your parents are treating their DS too.

Which is fine.

it’s the fact he’s being rewarded for being lazy

You really need to start viewing things differently if you’re ever going to find happiness in your life. Life is unfair - fact! Gratitude is the key to happiness - fact!

@FamilyHolidayTroubleswhilst you are right to be pissed off, well done on passing your SQE! No easy feat! Just focus on the bog picture and getting yourself a job as a qualified solicitor.
Sounds as though you feel quite rightly unfairly treated by your parents over the years because you are the person doing everything right and making the most of your opportunities. Unfortunately this happens in most families.
Over time though, I have come to realise there is nothing to resent as no amount of money will change my sister from being an alcoholic with mental health issues ……. So I will always be better off than her

I can understand why you feel it’s unfair but family dynamics can work against that at times. It sounds like you are the responsible one and your parents have their reasons for bailing your brother out.

If you hold onto this feeling it will eat you up and cause issues. By all means, speak to your parents but don’t go at it with the brother/sister unfairness card of a teenager.

Step outside the picture and see it at your parents paying for their grown-up children to go on holiday with them. At least you now have savings to put towards something and your brother doesn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

PS, congrats on your exams! X

I was going to post similar, and can see others also already have thought as to whether you have autism.
You’re thinking style appears rigid @FamilyHolidayTroubles

It may help to consider why you cannot let go of this so easily, see this from the perspective of your parents as well as the positives for yourself.

Yes you worked damn hard and had a difficult time, but you now have a lump sum of money you can spoil yourself with, you have passed incredibly hard exams which will hopefully boost your salary, and you get a free holiday with your parents.

Try this questionnaire-
https://embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/

He’s not done anything to deserve being treated

Fir fucks sake. You are not being punished. You were gifted a free holiday. Your standards are so out of alignment with the real world it's disturbing! A punishment is some thing negative, something removed. Nobody has taken anything from you, they've given you the equivalent of three thousand pounds!