Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

But you have saved, and now you have a pot of money and a free holiday? Is that right?

They told you it was a gift for working hard, yet he gets a gift for no reason at all

That's where the parents went wrong, they should have just paid for both and not mentioned it as a reward for the OP, maybe buy her something else at a later date.

Grow up. Your parents have paid for BOTH their children to go on a trip. BOTH been given the same gift. You got £3000 and your brother got £3000. To think you should be gifted £3000 for passing your exams is ridiculous.

Me too!

OK, I was relatively on your side but you're losing me now.

Lots of people your age pay for professional exams, and rent, work long hours to pay for it and save, and don't get free holidays from their parents.

You've lived at home with (no-doubt low rent to pay, otherwise you'd have moved out) with your parents until the age of 26 - fairly late to not have moved out. I think you need to stop looking at what everyone else has been given, and start living your own life, for motivations from within yourself.

I don't think you should go on this holiday unless you can shake off this attitude. He's been lazy and poor with money but his parents love him and want him on the holiday. You don't know the wouldn't have done the same for you. It doesn't sound like it's going to be a very nice holiday as it stands.

If I were you I would rejoice in the money they've given back to me and enjoy the holiday. It sounds like things have always been difficult between you and your brother.

Yes to this ^
they could buy her something smal and she would be grateful but they got it completely wrong and not she’s upset ( rightfully I would say)

So you should be more grateful for the opportunities they have given you. You've passed your exams, you're not in debt, you've got savings, and now you can knuckle down and whack a hefty deposit on a home of your own. Your brother is squandering those opportunities, but that doesn't mean your parents have to punish him for it. I'm sure he'll regret it in time.
Grow up. Life isn't a competition. If you really think so little of your parents and brother you should stand on your own two feet.

How do you know you wouldn't be going if the roles were reversed? Have they said that?

I think you are approaching this in the wrong way. What's likely is that your parents wanted to encourage your brother to start saving, but he hasn't, and:

• Ultimately just want a holiday with both their kids, it would not be a nice feeling to jet off knowing he is being left behind as a punishment
• They have realised to do this they will need to go back on what was said, it is probably more palatable to say to you both that they are now paying to reward you and then paying for your brother for parity than to say they'll just roll over and pay after all
• The holiday itself was booked and paid for a while ago and they wouldn't get money back anyway
• Perhaps they don't want to be parenting their adult kids after all

The reward for your exam is that you can progress towards being a solicitor. This is why you did it. Your life in a few years time will be unrecognisable to your brother's, who may well still be stuck at home working in a bar.

Maybe your brother is indulged more than you, but it's not done him much good has it? I get the feeling you are unwittingly chasing your parents approval with your life choices, I think it would be healthier for you to try and step back from your family dynamic where you can.

So what

So what, living at home paying very low rent while working two jobs and doing professional exams until age 26 means you've been given a huge financial advantage by your parents.

Yet you can't see it.

You think you're hard done by.

Dear god.

Just move out and stand on your own two feet if you think your parents aren't rewarding you adequately for passing your exams.

Is this actually what people mean on MN when they talk about golden child / black sheep dynamics?
I thought it was about abuse and stuff. But actually it's when you think you should be getting proper recognition from your parents over and above your siblings and you're not??
That's kind of wild.

I understand your frustration, but I don’t understand your bitterness. It’s going to eat you up and there are no benefits here. You need to deal with this resentment towards your mum and brother instead of shouting about how unfair it is - even if it is.

Wel, you've worked your socks off and he's done nothing. I'm not surprised you're pissed off.

Then that’s the core issue, if they like him more and treat you differently. Nothing to do with the holiday specifically.

You sound about 12! 88% have said YABU because you are! Accept it and move on. Your poor parents can't do right for wrong!

Your parents have done a shocking job of raising you both. Eww.

Firstly congratulations on passing the SQE - it’s an incredibly hard qualification and a wonderful achievement after years of study . You lawyers are all about fairness and fighting for justice so I get it. It will definitely stick in your throat but don’t let it take the shine off your exciting holiday . Move on from it as best you can and at least you are three grand up - you can’t control your parent’s decisions 💰👩🏻‍🎓

Life isn't fair. An adult would know that.

Except in this case, it is exactly fair. Your parents have treated you both the same. You both have a free holiday. Your qualifications and money saved are in addition to that. And they are things that you have worked for and earned for yourself.

If you go through life with a negative mindset like yours, you will constantly feel lonely and isolated, even if you are surrounded by people. You will end up pushing friends and family away, further isolating yourself.

How old are you? 😅 Genuinely because this sounds like the kind of attitude my small children would have. Do you actually want your parents to tell him he can't go? Does he being there take anything away from you? You're still getting a holiday and the money you saved back.

I apologise OP, based upon your first post I voted YABU, but the more I have read, I think you are completely justified and YANBU.
I’d have it out with all of them, get your point across and let them think about it. Then tell them if DB goes you’re not. I’d be furious too.
You didn’t want or expect a free holiday.
Congratulations on passing your exams and well done for making choices and saving so hard.

What a resentful sad human you are, You live at home, probably below market rent, you saved up for exams that will benefit you, and you are saying that £3k won't get you a mortgage, no it won't but it is a good start to your savings.
Let go of this bitterness, it makes you unpleasant and you do sound snippy and aggresive. Either go on the holiday and let it go, or don't go thr choice is yours.
Also stop this, it's not fair it makes you sound about 12, and a spoilt brat.

This op is a fascinating insight in to how and why some end up alone and unhappy.

Ghastly
just ghastly

You're not going to get very far in the legal field if your only defence is "But it's not fair"