Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

Exactly, so she still has the money for that to put towards a rental deposit or something.

The course fees were her choice.

But now you get to keep what you saved to spend on something else! He only gets the trip.

OP, I understand how you feel and you are not wrong to feel like that. They told you it was a gift for working hard, yet he gets a gift for no reason at all, which takes it away from yours being for working hard. It means nothing.

Yes you now have £3K, however you went without a lot to save that money, and missed out on things with your friends. I can understand how you feel.

I would go and enjoy the holiday, but when you get back, talk to your mum to see if she can understand how you feel, and explain it a bit better as to why they just gave it to him yet yours was supposed to be a reward for doing well

Also, your reward for working hard is the career opportunities it will bring you, not a holiday.

You've just passed "very important professional exams"?
You sound more like a whiney twelve year old.

Do your parents a favour, don't go.
Use your very important professional salary to pay for your own holiday.

I took this to mean that OP does not want to move out and pay money to a landlord, she prefers to save towards a deposit to purchase a property. She is happy to pay rent to her parents.

Weird thing to be annoyed about. Why would you have an issue with them paying for your brother? You’re both going on a free holiday stop being weird.

I’d be gutted that you thought like that if I was your parent.

I understand how you feel OP , if they just said they’d pay for you both - fine . But to imply yours is a reward for doing so well ( congratulations) and his is a reward for being feckless is unfair on you .

They're paying for both of you and you've now got all the money you saved so you're still better off?

But Muuuuum, I saved and he didn't.

It's not fair!

Pick your battles.Your parents are saving you money by paying for the holiday.

I think it’s a very difficult thing to say if you are a parent. I think they should have paid for both of you because they want both of you to come and also give you a gift for passing exams. This would be the fairest it could be in this situation, because they wanted to get their wish as well - both children coming.
So I would consider to mention your disappointment that you get it as a gift for your hard work whereas your brother rewarded for not saving. But I would do it softly, more like a logical argument rather than emotional because once you get emotions into the conversation it wouldn’t go well.
I would also tell it to mum and dad without your brother present. But you need to get that they want you both there so you can’t dismiss that.
I absolutely get why your brother didn’t save - he wanted to spend time with his mates and he probably didn’t care much about the trip with his parents (I wouldn’t be tbh). So in the future I wouldn’t save/spend on doing things with parents unless it suited you 100%.
I absolutely get why you are upset and you are upset rightly. Most of people won’t get you unless they’ve experienced the same. I had this with my older sister in a bit of a different scale but it was still noticeable and over years it made a big difference. Let’s say she would see a nice thing and would buy it without thinking and then would get some money support from parents until her pay day. Whereas I wouldn’t do this. She bought a lot of nice things for her house and didn’t make any savings, then when she needed expensive dental treatment our parents gave her money. Of course I couldn’t argue with this as she needed the treatment. However my house was very plain with mostly cheap things as we always saved for possible medical expenses and when I needed dental treatment, we just paid from our savings. So yes, I absolutely get your feelings, it’s about fairness but fairness doesn’t work so logical in families as on paper.
Think carefully about the dynamics for the future. If you want completely to outbid your brother for your parents attention - get them a grandchild first.

OP well done on passing the SQE

There are lots of situations where adult children are treated differently and it can cause real problems but in this case when your parents are paying for both of you I think you just need to let it go.

So in that case she probably isnt paying "rent". She's paying a below market contribution to being fed and watered

But now you have the holiday and the money you have saved.

Your brother has just the holiday so you have still benefitted from your saving.

I think you would do well to try and reframe your thinking into something positive. Make some plans of what you will be able to do with your savings rather than feeling resentment towards your brother and parents.

So their disappointment doesn’t matter, but you’re justified in making an almighty fuss about your disappointment? Unbelievable! I think you have a lot of growing up to do 🙄

So what

Exactly it’s unfair.

I can see your point of view that he’s clearly spoilt, but as a parent I would not give one child a free holiday for passing a professional exam and expect the other child to pay. It’s both or neither.

Let me explain what other posters have been trying to tell you. You have been gifted a free holiday and have the added perk that the money you've saved for this, is now yours to spend or save as you choose. If this is your biggest problem in life, you are incredibly fortunate. Many people can't afford holidays at all, nor have parents as generous as yours. I imagine you are young, have someong standing resentment against your brother for reasons beyond this situation (favouritism?) and can't see the the reality of this situation. You have shown you have the financial acumen to save towards a goal; your brother has wasted his money whilst you saved yours. Who do you think is going to be more successful in life? Your brother coming on this holiday is no skin off your nose. Grow up a little.

As a solicitor, sibling and now a parent I can see this from a few different perspectives.

when I was training it infuriated me that my parents made allowances for my sister and paid for her holidays, gave her so much more than me. But they had a clearer view, that I didn’t have at 25, that now twenty years later I earn a mid six figure salary and my sister is still a band 6 nurse.I remember how frustrating it was when I was younger - but try and take the longer view. You have your qualifications for life now, and while it doesn’t feel like it, your life now has a lot more prospects than your brother.

try and enjoy the holiday! I didn’t know that when I last went grumpily on a paid - for (for my sister) holiday that both my parents would be dead just a few years later.

I do think you're being ridiculous. Your parents want a holiday with both of their children there. They don't want just you.
As a parent, I would probably do the same thing if one of my children hadn't saved. Because if I didn't then I would feel sad about one not being there. However, my children would also have a better time if they were both there, because they get on well and would have more fun than just being with me.
You don't seem to really like your brother or want him there.

You sound like a 7 year old - and I totally get it because, my God, when I see my (all middle aged) siblings we revert in an instant!

Be gracious about the free holiday and do something worthwhile with your unexpected lump sum.

I think YABU. Your parents are treating you and your brother equally, as all good parents would. "Rewarding" hard work or exam success with money or material goods (or holidays) is distasteful imo.

You can’t know for sure that your parents would have left you behind if you hadn’t saved up and paid. However, you clearly have a lot of resentment over what you see as different expectations and unfair treatment from your parents, and I think it would be reasonable for you to initiate a calm discussion with them, telling them how you feel. Perhaps they honestly don’t realise how it feels to you. I don’t think you should demand that your brother doesn’t come on the holiday, but I don’t see why you couldn’t tell them that you feel sad that you made so many sacrifices in order to save the money and will never get those missed opportunities back, and can’t help wondering whether they would have made the same offer to you if you hadn’t managed to save up the money.

Could it be that your brother is less academically able than you, or has traits that make it unlikely for him to ever succeed in a demanding profession, and your parents are aware of this? They are obviously proud of you and perhaps feel they can relax about you as you have a promising future ahead of you.