Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

I know exactly how you feel i remember being 5 years old and feeling exactly the same

Sibling stuff is often (usually?) unfair if you look at it through the lens of a teenager, which is what it sounds like you are doing.

Jesus. A free trip and you’re still bumping your gums.
Do you actually know how lucky you are?

Or it could be summed up in one sentence. DB is feckless and they have been enabling it thus far.

How is it unfair if they’re paying for both of you?

If they paid just for him because he hadn’t saved any money while you had, that would be unfair, but that’s not the case.

So you just want him to be punished for not having saved, while you get rewarded? It sounds very childish.

OP said earlier in the thread that she "didnt want to pay anyone's mortgage" (by paying rent)

Or it could be summed up as "Parents are treating their adult children equally".

So do I

Brother is Favourite child.
He can do no wrong.
I think if some of these poster knew what it was like to be scond best , time after time, they’d be singing a different tune.
Op if you do live at home I’d be planning an escape.
I would not go on holiday and I’d be using the money to get away.
Your mum will not change.
She will never admit she favours golden b*s…. Validation will never come.

So you now know that it doesn't matter what you do, you are never going to be rewarded by your parents for being the 'good one'. It's never going to be enough. So liberate yourself from that pursuit. This has proved once and for all... it's never going to happen. See this holiday gift that both you and your brother have been given as a 'farwell to my childhood' break with your family and then disengage with the toxic dynamic. Stop pushing yourself to burnout to try to impress your parents. Stop caring that your adult sibling needs to 'gloat' about being a waster. Stop bending over backwards to do things for your parents that your sibling is not doing. Focus on your new career, your new life, keep working towards getting a place of your own and enjoy time with friends.

Grow up. Sounds like you begrudge your brother having a free trip. Throw your toys out of the pram and pay for yourself or don’t go and be the bloody martyr!

RUDE!!

You’re being unreasonable.
Use the 3k you now have to move into a rented property where you can be more independent. They’ve basically gifted you the opportunity to move on.
Try to think favourably about the holiday, it should be fun but your resentment will ruin it. I know you think he shouldn’t come but then it would ruin the holiday for your parents. That’s not fair.

This.
This is an extreme example of sibling rivalry and ingratitude. Those poor parents.I think the OP dislikes her DB and doesn't want him on the holiday.

We have always bent over backwards to ensure equal spending on DC. I have a spreadsheet which they laugh at and tell me they don't care and don't expect equality.
We paid for them both to come on holidays abroad until they left uni. Now they come somewhere in the UK but we pay for everything though they always offer. If I help child A with something like house renovations the same amount is earmarked for child B. They have never been anything other than appreciative

Hard to believe you're 26. I assumed 12.

You are being treated equally. You are both having your holiday paid for. At a guess, the trip has already been paid for, so your brother's place would be wasted if he didn't go. So, pragmatically, your parents have chosen not to waste the money.

In addition you have passed your exams, the point of which was presumably to be able get a better job, earn more, move out and adult. So, you are in a far better place than your brother who will still be stuck in a dead end job living at home. Instead of being jealous of him, maybe look for some pity for him that he is struggling in life for whatever reason.

This is all a choice of how you frame these things. You can either see the worst, or the best.

I regularly give my adult children gift, quite large sums at times as I was fortunate to inherit unexpectedly quite a large sum a couple of years ago which I don’t really need having saved hard for my retirement.

I am scrupulous though to give them all the same amount! I gave my son £5,000 when he got married and will give my daughter the same next year when she gets married. As my other son has no plans to marry, I will give him the same amount then they will have all had the same.

I had to bail out my eldest son with a large sum during Covid as he lost his job so my will reflects this - my other children will inherit that amount before the rest is split three ways. My children are aware of this, they also know that the generous gifts I give for birthdays and Christmas will cease if my needs change!

If this was my in laws - They would just pay for DBIL and still let us pay for ourselves if we would even be invited! 🤣 Different children need different support apparently....

Take the holiday and smile. Not worth the head space

😅

Hmm... feel sorry for the parents because their adult children are still demonstrating extreme sibling rivalry? Perhaps their parents should be questioning why that is... and why one feels locked into the need to push themselves to burnout and the other into demonstrating no ambition whatsoever.

Sympathies OP.

Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel? I think your annoyance is justified because you’ve been sacrificing things in order to save the money and now your parents have changed the rules in order to suit your brother. I don’t think it’s realistic that they’ll change their minds about this holiday, but going forward they may be more careful to treat you fairly and be more realistic about your brother. Or they may not, and there is maybe a learned helplessness dynamic developing between your parents and your brother, which is unhealthy but not something you can change and which you may need to distance yourself from.

I say this both as a parent of young adults, aware that my children have different strengths and weaknesses and may need different types of support. And also as the child of parents who favoured and still favour my sibling financially.

I feel really sorry for your parents having two kids in their mid twenties who are still living at home, squabbling and whining “s’not fair”.

If I was them, I’d happily go on holiday without either of you as you’re so horribly self centred. He expects your parents to fund his lifestyle and you resent them for trying to treat you both the same. Your parents can’t win.

When was the last time you did something nice for either of your parents without working out what was in it for you?

It’s time you grew up and realised that life is hard for many people and sometimes when you’ve done your best, it still won’t be enough and someone else will get the prize.

You sound like my MIL!
My inlaws loaned us some money for renovations while we were waiting for some other money to come through. They refused when we tried to pay them back and then they transferred the same amount to DH's brother, even though he is incredibly wealthy. She keeps track of every penny and ensures it is absolutely equal. It's their choice.

I took that to mean that if she moved out and rented a room somewhere else then the rent she would be paying to this 3rd party would be helping to pay their mortgage. Nothing to do with her parents and any mortgage they may or may not have.

She has quite clearly said she pays rent to her parents via standing order.

I would not have treated one of my children to a holiday and not the other, regardless of how hard they'd worked for exams. Particularly as you're both going on the same holiday. If I did reward a child in that way, it would be a totally separate thing that they were going to do on their own.
I don't know why you're bothered, they sound generous and fair.