Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

I get it, I worked my butt off, moved out of home, paid for my own degree and my parents kindly gifted me 20k for a house purchase in a shit area as it was all we could afford. They gave my sibling 150k for her house in a nice area just to get them to move out of their house.
I just sucked it up, its their money, not mine. They can choose what they want to do with it. Whats the alternative, act like a spoiled air to the throne and renounce all contact with my family over money.

I can see where you’re coming from. Can you talk to your parents about their double standards (when your brother isn’t around to wind you up). I think you need to clear the air about this with them and ask them why they have different expectations of you both, and how much it stings.

I wonder if a) they had already decided to pay for you both and thought it would be a nice surprise OR b) realised your brother was a bit useless and knew they had to fund him, therefore had to do the same for you but mistakenly dressed it up as a reward for you? Either way you are clearly upset and you need to sort this before it becomes a life long resentment that could alienate you from your parents.

Following that conversation you decide whether or not you can go on this holiday with him and still enjoy it. Everyone is going to be miserable if you are seething with resentment every time you look at him.

You seem very certain that if roles were reversed and it were you who hadn't saved/been given a gift your parents wouldn't be taking you. This points to a poor relationship with them (although you still holiday together) and you clearly perceive your brother being favoured. Maybe you have cause, maybe there is a long history of preferential treatment at your expense, but on this occasion it is a decision that your parents have every right to make and you are not losing out at all.

I'd try to get over your resentment about this instance, at least, because whatever the backstory you are coming over as childish and peevish.

Firstly, well done on passing your exams. They’re really hard and require loads and loads of work so to do that whilst also working, etc. is a huge achievement. Some professional exams are brutal.
I think your parents justified in paying for your brother, but if I was them, I would give you an additional treat for your exams. What career is your brother in? Will he get to a point where he might get a treat from your parents for passing exams or qualifying or whatever?

Omg lol. Last week my daughter bought me a pair of earrings she thought I’d like. Just because.

Glass half full @FamilyHolidayTroubles , you now have a good wedge of savings to spend on yourself , or to continue saving, which your spendthrift brother doesn’t have.

Enjoy your holiday, but do try not to add up the cost of any meals or drinks your parents treat you too just in case your brother ate steak and you had the pasta.

He’s a barman. He doesn’t intend to do anything else.

Crikey! Your parents want both their kids to go on holiday. They’ve just spent £6k for the pleasure. Please don’t create an atmosphere or ruin this holiday for them. They’ve given you a 3 grand gift. It’s not any less of a gift because they gave your brother a gift too.

Yes I think this is exactly it. They felt too awkward to say that he hasn't saved so will have to pay and will also pay for you to make it fair. So they dressed it up by saying they'll pay for you as a reward and also for him to make it fair.

It's annoying they are "using" your achievement as an excuse to bail out feckless brother but the reverse position is more likely the true one. If your brother had saved the funds as planned, I doubt they would have considered giving you a "reward" for your exams at all. Try to brush it off.

Have you already posted about this trip? The situation is familiar to another posters.

My parents have never done that to us, ever

‘It’s not fair!’ 26? Bloody hell! Congratulations on passing your GCSEs!

Just don’t go! It doesn’t sound like you are going to enjoy it.

My dc are your age and I wouldn’t be taking them anywhere if they behaved like you. You are entitled and rude. Your parents paying for you both is their business, no one else’s. Yes, it sounds like you worked incredibly hard and you consider your brother to be lazy but you are an adult, a grown woman who is behaving like a spoiled brat because you want a gift.

Quite a few have posted about OP sounding like a child/teenager and that will almost certainly be because the siblings are still living with their parents in their mid twenties (I only became a home owner age 34 and I do get that housing market/renting is horrendous). I think a lot of adults regress to those old family/sibling dynamics when they spend extended periods of time with their families but that’s usually limited to Christmas etc.

OP you will have to grit your teeth through the unfairness or do what so many of us do and spend a shit ton on rent whilst saving for a house deposit

Do You like Formula one.....

The reality is you respond to your parents parenting and he doesn't. I'd imagine he wouldn't give a shot about not going on the holiday so the threat is meaningless. But you want to go. They're only giving you this generous gift so that they can give him a free holiday without guilt.

But they pay for holidays and let you live cheaply. I'd take that over earrings.

You’ve posted about your brother before haven’t you OP? Is he the one who sits in his bedroom all day playing computer games while you drive your parents to hospital appts etc? The writing style (and rage!) is very very similar if not.

Let's agree that it's unfair.
What can you do about it?
Tell them he's not allowed to go? No, that's not something you are in control of.
Tell them you're not going and why? Yes, that is something within your control.

You can say what you think ought to happen, what you think ought to be the case, you can get everyone on this thread to agree it's not fair but what does that change?

Nothing.

You cant make them do what you think is fair.

So you can either accept it, go on the holiday, spend the money they gave back to you and decide you are no longer going to compare your treatment to your brother's because you're only hurting yourself.

Or you can tell them you're angry with them and list all the ways in which you have been treated less kindly than your brother has and see what they do with that.

Where did OP say any of that ? She says I self funded the SQE (nearly £25,000 all in with exam fees and the prep course fees), while working two jobs and saving for this trip. and also we both pay rent. I pay mine by standing order. His is out of his tips as and when they amount to enough in a week to pay it.. Are you sure you’re on the right thread ?

I get it, OP. I do. Your family treat bro as a helpless, pampered, boy child and you get rules and lectures on thrift. They may not be conscious of the disparate treatment but you are. This is a typical golden child/scapegoat or forgotten child scenario. The good thing—and it is a good thing—us that you have learned to br disciplined and organized with money, able to defer gratification, and very independent. In the long run, although your parents will continually try to save him and will support him over you, he will continue to fuck up while you eill go from strength to strength.

OP. I'm going to lay this out from your parent's point of view.. as I've just had a holiday with adult children.

Parents decide to do a really wonderful trip.
They want the whole family to come.
They ask you both to save because they also want give you both an incentive to learn financial discipline.

• which is a gift in itself
• and you achieved that and
• your REWARD is that they let you keep that considerable saving yourself because they are pleased with your efforts and your hard work in your exams.

However, your brother didn't manage this.
But they still want to have a family holiday with their children.
He didn't save, so he can't pay.

As a parent I couldn't pay for one child and leave the other at home, whether they had disappointed me or not because it would be a really horrible thing to do and that is not how I would parent.

They are wise enough to know that your brother is already paying the price.

• He will return from the holiday and unlike you will have no savings.
• Unlike you he has not learned to manage his money
• That is his loss and it shows he will find it difficult or may never achieve that.

But as a parent you don't stop wanting to have a relationship with that child. you are relieved that one of them has achieved something.

You keep repeating that if you hadn't saved, you would have been left at home. "that's just the way things work in this family." If you do believe that you should ask them.
It is clear from the generosity of your parents that it is NOT the way things work in your family because they have just paid for BOTH OF YOU, because they WANT to spend time on holiday BOTH OF YOU irrespective of saving skills.

You sound incredibly immature and ungrateful with a big chip on your shoulder against your poor parents. Stop comparing yourself to your brother you are two different people. Focus on your own life and try to be a bit kinder to people who are only trying to be nice to you.

Actually the more I think about your continued repetition of it doesn't work that way in this family in the face of glaring facts and constant posters telling you that... the more I think this is Chat gpt talking .. so I'm out.

Wow. 25 and 26 eh!
a lazy boy and a spoiled girl.
I feel ashamed for the pair of you, I genuinely do.
how about you both grow up a bit and sort your own holidays out?
I’ve never wanted parents to splurge inheritance more than I wish for yours

We don't know if the parents would or wouldn't have paid for the OP if the roles were reversed, we just know she thinks they wouldn't. Likewise with his rent. She says he pays as and when he has it but doesn't specify if his parents let him off the rent or if he makes up the shortfall the next week. There is a big difference between I can only pay £50 this week - oh thats fine son don't worry about the rest- and I can only pay £50 this week but give you £150 next week

Huge congratulations OP, those are some tough exams. And you sacrificed the smaller comforts along the way over the last year of it. That £3k could have been better spent helping to preserve your energies and health over the year, SQE plus two jobs equals burn out. But you did it because that was the basis for going on the holiday and then the goal post was moved to accommodate your brother.

It’s perfectly obvious people have huge difficulty treating each child the same as the other. I can’t believe that most replies are so unsympathetic to OP… tho that sort of proves my point.

So FamilyHolidayTroubles, d’you think your DB will still accompany you on the hol?

(My mother was always jealous of me & I was always treated differently to my younger bros. DH had the opposite, his sis. was brought up completely differently to him, & he was near completely written out of their Wills! So I know a lot about this sort of thing & have earnestly tried my utmost to be exactly same with my children.)