Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

It’s really clear from what @FamilyHolidayTroubles has put that it’s not just about the holiday.
The parents don’t treat them both fairly.
He’s the golden child and the OP is not treated equally.
It won’t just be about the money for the holiday, it’s about all the little ways you can be made to feel less important / less loved / generally less than.
It’s really common and it’s horrible.

So?

Your ASD is getting in the way of seeing the bigger picture that we can see.

Your moral compass and sense of injustice is telling you the situation is wrong. You’ve worked hard for three years and cut back on luxuries for a year in order to save. You feel your parents would not have ‘given’ you a free holiday if you had not have saved. However, you can’t change the way your parents feel about your brother. They clearly want you both to attend this family holiday.

At least, you now have £3000 in your pocket so can move out and rent somewhere yourself.

I’m which case he is the golden child - which is evident from your updates. To be honest OP my own personal response would be to not go on the holiday at all and take a significant step back from all of them. It sounds like the resentment is affecting your mental health and maybe that money would be better spent on a bit of therapy to get some clear perspective and to give you the tools to move on from it. You won’t change it, so why let it worry you to this extent ? Rise above it for your own peace of mind.

I completely understand unlike many others here. My sister gets everything whatever the circumstances and I don't. I am constantly treated unfairly because she's "difficult". You have my sympathy, but I don't know what you can do about it.

I don't know if I feel sorry for your parents, I think 2 children who fail to launch might be a parenting issue.

And yet they have encouraged you to do well in your exams so perhaps want you to fly

It's a great early contender for today's 'How The Hell Did This End Up As A Thread On Mumsnet?' award, and also for August's 'Not Getting The Answer I Wanted So Everybody Else Is Wrong' prize.

Seriously looking in from outside it's such a nothingburger. Your parents have generously paid for your trip, it would be shite if your brother didnt go too so yes it turns out your brother has freeloaded. But you've got a valuable professional qualification and a load of cash; in the grand scheme of things you're sitting pretty and the 'unfairness' of the situation is fuck all. But from seeing your many, many further posts on the matter it's clear you're determined to be bitter about it so I guess you'll just have to be bitter.

Please ignore a lot of these toxic posts, a free holiday doesn't remove hurt from being treated unfairly by your parents. You aren't immature, you are only 26, and you are understandably affected by the relationship dynamics of people you live with as you are faced with them every day. It doesn't sound like this is really about the the holiday and that there are deeper issues here.

I do think moving out will help you but also understand it's not easy for Gen z to move out in their 20s because of the cost of living. You're doing really well to get educated and get a good job and hopefully moving out isn't too far away in the future.

Come on, OP. Your parents are taking you on a holiday they've paid for. They obviously want to give you a treat and enjoy your company, but you've turned this into believing that they favour your brother and if (hypothetically) you were in his position, they'd leave you out. Give them a break. ETA: perhaps they do favour brother, that's possible and it can hurt, but on this occasion they are being generous to you.

Isn't that the point of a free gift?

So basically he got a free gift, you got a reward. It's very kind of them to give him a free gift. It's very kind of them to give you money for passing exams. I've never given my children money for passing exams.

How do you know they wouldn't have done the same for you if you couldn't afford to go?

This generation is insane.

You've got a 26 year old woman still living at home with parents who put a roof over her head and take her on holidays. A woman who thinks she should be "rewarded" with gifts for just doing what most people do: training for a career so they can become self sufficient.

They are treating you both exactly the same.
In fact they offered it to you first, your brother seems more like an after thought if anything.
At least you now have some substantial savings for something else nice.
He doesn't 😁.

But I think this is the point - it wasn’t a gift to her, it was a reward for passing her exams. She had to earn the free holiday. For her brother it was purely an unconditional gift.

I get that OP is angry. I get that this is in actual fact unfair however you look at it. However, she can’t change it. Her parents’ actions, their choice of how to frame paying for her and her DB’s share of the holiday is a done deal now. She can’t change it other than to point out - without stamping her foot or being emotional - how this looks to her. But even then if there is a history of DB being treated this way, then nothing will change it.

It means OP has two choices: a) to accept the way her family operates, the unfairness, and start planning for when she moves out (and that £3K is a good start towards a deposit on a place of her own, as will any pay rises/career progression that come as a result of that exam success) and maybe seek some counselling to process it all; or b) to let it eat away at her and fuel bitterness and resentment, which will ultimately be very destructive and, ultimately, do her more harm than anyone else.

Grow up. Seriously.

Your brother may be immature when it comes to money and planning for the future, but you sound like an immature bean counter. This approach to life will hurt you in the long run.

Turn things around op. Your parents pushed you, they expect great things of you because you are wonderful and very capable but him he's just a waste of space and useless, no point in pushing him. He's not better than you, they just know he's incapable but you are not.

Yes, don't go it will be a disaster, it will simmer beneath the surface and eat away at OP, everyone will be sat around with a face like a slapped arse...not fun at all

Different people achieve different things in life. You've done well for yourself through your own hard work and motivation. I think it is fine to be mildly annoyed about this situation but the level you're focusing on it to is not healthy. You are all going on a family holiday & you now have savings too. Your parents attitude towards your brother will never change so you need to get over it or distance yourself from them. They sound like they love and care about you a lot and want to spend time with you both which is lovely, don't let your bad feeling spoil an otherwise lovely trip.

I cant believe you would spend 3K on a holiday rather than put it towards your deposit.

All this whining and eye rolling about your mum.... This is why adults shouldn't still be living at home like they're teenagers

This is the other solid option: don't go. Get some therapy. And perhaps use the £3000 to launch yourself and get out of the family home finally.

But on what planet do you get rewarded for doing basic stuff to improve your own life?
The "reward" for passing those exams is furthering your career.

OP, I can understand that it is unfair.
My SIL has just done the same exams you have , all paid by her parents whilst living with them rent free. Meanwhile my DH has been doing very expensive postgrad medical exams paid by himself and moved out age 18, no help with rent/mortgage. I think this is incredibly unfair and am annoying on DH behalf but he doesn’t care. He pities his sister as she is a miserable cow (different thread)

it is unfair but realistically your parents aren’t going to deny him the holiday. I think both you and your brother are very lucky to have the free holiday. My DH didn’t even get a card from his parents when he graduated/passed specialty exams. I’d consider trying to move out asap or getting therapy as it sounds like you’ve had years of real or perceived mistreatment

Well I'm not being funny but if I worked in a bar, I wouldn't be getting up at the crack of dawn either.

Besides, he'll hardly be getting paid much doing that will he

Maybe he's smarter than you're giving him credit for. Maybe he didn't WANT to spend £3k of his own cash going on holiday with his judgey sister. Maybe he knew if he didn't have the money, your parents would pay anyway. Maybe that's the only terms he would want to go on this holiday - I.e. If he's not spending all of his low earnings on it.

People who expect life to be fair genuinely baffle me

You need to move out tbh

What difference does it make to you? Are you 12?

You are all adults so stop behaving like a teenager.

accept the gift with grace