Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

Well that's up to you. Just as it was up to to pay for qualifications and holidays.
I think it would do you some good though. Bit of independence sorely needed.

Op, kindly - I think this is an issue you need to take to therapy. You are clearly having a reaction to some big feelings involving your brother and you can’t see reasonably because of it. Your thinking isn’t that of a rational 26 year old ‘adult’. Your reaction is coming from a very childish place and I think you may need to do a bit of work if you want to live a happy life with healthy relationships.

Then it does sound to me like your brother is the golden child and your parents favour him over you.

I understand your frustration if there is a pattern of you doing ‘the right thing’ and him never dealing with consequences of not doing so. I also can see how your parents making the holiday a gift to you based on your hard work has made you feel favoured for once. Then this recognition was reversed because your brother was then given the same holiday for free based on no effort of his own at all.

I can see how you’ll be seething in this situation and if this is your parent’s normal behaviour, they won’t change now.

This holiday is clearly bringing up a lot of issues and resentment from you and I'm amazed you actually want to go given how bitter you feel towards your brother and parents for how you feel they treat you differently

Focus on yourself...you will drive yourself mad focusing on all of the ways in which your feel slighted

You have worked to give yourself better opportunities than your brother has. He is obviously happy with his life how it is at the moment. You need to reframe your thoughts to be happy with yours and the opportunities you have enabled yourself

@RogerR4bbit is right OP. The fact that you want your brother to suffer because it’s not fair is reflecting a real lack of maturity on your part, and it’s going to make you suffer more than anyone else!
a) your resentment is going to undermine your enjoyment of the holiday
b) your parents clearly just want to enjoy a holiday with both children - recognise that parents are not rational about children and love and value you both, which is why they want you both on the holiday
c) you resent having sacrificed and foregone treats for the holiday / exams - but can’t you see that the holiday is not the main reward for either of those things?! You now have a valuable professional qualification and should be focusing on your own life - passing the exams are their own reward. As well as an unexpected savings windfall that you can do something nice with.

The mature thing to do is focus on yourself and your own behaviour / feelings rather than burning up with resentment about choices made by your parents and brother.

I think the poster has a point. People generally spontaneously gift outside traditional things like birthdays and Christmas because they like you. This generally doesn’t happen if they view you as a candidate for shitbag of the year 🤣

Am I unreasonable for being pissed off about getting a free holiday? Yes. Yes. You are.

I am embarrassed for you

What did your parents say when you said you thought it was unfair?

So what do actually want to happen OP? People on here have offered ideas and solutions but you've shut every single one down

You’ve got a free holiday, plus the money you were saving is now freed up for something else,
Your brother has a free holiday.
You are still in a better position than him (in case this is a competition which you somehow feel you’ve lost).
Congrats on your exams! I think I’d be focusing on making new memories with the family & having a good time.

So what happens with his rent ? If he doesn't have enough one week does he pay extra when he does or do your parents let him off completely?

Your envy is spoiling your enjoyment of a nice gift of a free holiday from your parents, and the celebration of passing your professional exams. Sounds like it should be a great time of life for you but you are spending it ruminating about your brother rather than enjoying it.

You don’t need to be enmeshed with your brother like you are still children. Focus on your relationship with your parents and don’t insert yourself into your brother’s relationship with them.

Grow up. You sound like a spoilt brat. I wouldn't even bother going on the holiday if I were you. You are clearly going to ruin it for everyone anyway. Take your money you've saved up and go somewhere on your own would be my advice

That’s kinda the point about gifts. You don’t have to ‘earn’ them. Or they would be rewards.

I get that it feels unfair, but now you just sound really bitter. Comparison really is the thief of joy here, perhaps try and focus on the fact you have unexpectedly found yourself with an extra few grand.
If you genuinely, honestly believe that if the boot was on the other foot they would have happily taken your brother and left you behind, then they don’t sound like the type of people who are worth all your sacrifices, and you should perhaps carefully consider who you invest so much time/energy/money in?

When you have children you will understand they have different needs and its nothing to do with favouritism its just the reality of life. Seriously look at yourself your nearly 30 living at home with mummy and daddy and your having a tantrum because you think your brother is treated better then you. Grow up.

At 26, I had a mortgage. I had a degree and a masters as well. I was independent from my parents, lived alone, was self sufficient and on top of all the household bills and car, I was responsible for the upkeep of a horse (admittedly I part loaned him, so got some money back) and two cats. I worked two jobs, with lots of overtime, as well as studying and doing extra work where I could. I’m also autistic (just to cover the earlier question about that).

By comparison, you are 26 and a child. Can’t you see the massive discrepancy between what is normal for your age and what isn’t? Sure many people don’t have horses but that cost is their holiday or hair/beauty etc care. To expect an adult to save £3k in a year is normal. If you lived alone you would find you’d spend that on boiler repairs and servicing, white goods breaking, general house repairs etc. You need to take a good objective look at your life and sort it out. There is no point having qualifications if you can’t also live life.

And does your answer mean that you don’t pay rent to your parents got their mortgage or to go into their savings account if they are mortgage free? Because if you are completely freeloading at their house then they are constantly and endlessly helping you with far, far more than just £3k per year.

Is it just me but I’m starting to feel incredibly sorry for the parents?
Two failure to launch adults living at home.
1 it totally feckless with money and expects bale outs all the time.
1 is a bit better with money but eaten up with resentment, the unfairness of everything and must be an absolute nightmare to live with….

Op if you pay your parents rent then you are effectively paying their mortgage or pensions.
A house share would not be that different!
Therefore I suspect you don’t want to move out and will happily live at home forever with mummy and daddy but just deeply resent your brother getting any affection or attention from mummy and daddy. Typical older child syndrome but you are not a child now!

Deeply unhealthy thinking here that needs therapy!

Don't go. It doesn't sound like you'll enjoy it.

Move out and rent. I got on much better with my brother once I moved out! You sound like you need some space and independence.

Paint it this way OP

You have 1 academic child and another who isn't very academic, would you expect them to be treat differently because one can pass an exam and the other can't?

It's a bit 'prodigal son', and will feel very unfair for reasons I understand and sympathise with, but you'll just have to bite your lip, and soak up the feeling of moral superiority instead 😏

It doesn’t sound like anyone else will be allowed to enjoy it either.

And a £3k (inc spending money) holiday is hardly going to be a holiday of a lifetime!

I do sympathise OP, I can see why you feel this is unfair. It is unfair. But I am also able to see this from your DPs perspective.

They really want this family holiday with their two children. Ideally they wanted you both to pay your way, it's a lot of money after all. The constant reminders to save were probably more for your brother's benefit because they could already see how much you were doing.

Now they find he doesn't have the money and they will be bitterly disappointed for you all not to go. They can see it would be unfair to make you pay while paying for him so they agree to pay for you both. The only mistake they gave made is telling you that they are doing this for you as a reward.

But, seriously, I don't think many parents who could afford it would do as you wish and turn round and tell your brother he can't come now.

It does sound like they hold you to different standards and you resent it. But I would guess they know their children well enough to see what you are capable of achieving and so they want to encourage you to fulfil your potential. Perhaps they already know or suspect that your brother will never be able to fly as high as you do they have more limited expectations for him.

Be gracious. Enjoy the holiday. Try to be philosophical about the situation. Ultimately you have the more promising future and when you are more independent maybe this sibling rivalry will seem less important.