Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

Spin this differently - you are getting a free family holiday from your generous parents. So now treat yourself for all your hard work and success with the money you have saved. Your brother got lucky and I suppose you could argue that your parents by default have now not spoilt you specifically for your success by paying for him but at the end of the day do you actually want him to come or not.

You can make a serious plan to do so surely? With a timetable. It will give you something positive to focus on too. You seem determined to wallow in it being unfair, rather than look at the suggestions of how to move forward.

Well just wallow in it then....

But what has that got to do with your brother getting a free holiday? Seems more like you are annoyed your parents didn't pay for your college course? You need to change your mindset. You did a college course to better yourself... You managed to save 3K in the process... You are going on a holiday!

I can see how this is unfair.

Your brother got a free holiday as he is irresponsible.

You were gifted the holiday - as a cover up for you brother being crap at saving.

You didn’t get a free holiday (fair) and a gift for all your hard work.

I think your parents should have been honest.

How on earth was it "all for nothing?'

YOU HAVE THE 3 GRAND! And you have the qualification! You have not lost out at all

Your brother does not have the professional qualification and opportunity this brings

Your brother does not have 3 grand in savings

Ok, you have had a tough year to fund 2 things that benefit you...a professional qualification and a holiday. You did not know your oarents would then fund the holiday but wahoo they have! You have lost out on nothing

Every year me and dh go on holiday with my inlaws. We fund this ourselves as we both work full time. Sil has never worked. Inlaws fund her holiday as she could not afford it otherwise. Them doing that doesn't cause us to loose out in any way what so ever.

I’m annoyed that we are treated differently.

OP I too have a feckless brother who’s bailed out constantly by my parents, while I’m the responsible one - so I do get how you feel about it. It would piss me off too!

But you need to let it go. You aren’t being “rewarded” like a child for passing your exams, your parents are kindly paying for you and your brother to go on holiday and the exams are irrelevant. You didn’t work hard for your parents you did it for yourself.

Do you genuinely think if DB had saved the money that your parents would say “ Ok daughter is going for free, because she passed some exams she chose to do as an adult which will benefit her future, and you brother have to pay up”?

Your parents have probably realised brother has no money and instead of cancelling the trip they’ve offered to pay. Or they were intending to pay all along and this was their way of trying to get you and DB to save up some money (which clearly failed)

I can see where you are coming from - it sounds like your parents are desperate for your brother to join the trip and had to engineer a way to pay for him. It may feel a bit like your "reward" is being used as an excuse to pay for him "to make it fair" but try not to let it eat you up. You are getting a free trip AND you still have a lovely stash of money that you saved which you can spend on something else.

Remind yourself that your work ethic, financial responsibility and professional qualifications will mean your life will so much better than your spoilt waster brothers! Being the Golden Child often doesn't do that person any favours long term.

I see why you are annoyed, I would be pissed off if I had made all the effort to save, missed out on stuff to do so and he hadn't bothered and was rewarded with the same as I was for achieving something significant. But as adults these are thoughts we should really keep to ourselves. Try and forget about it and enjoy your holiday.

I do understand being annoyed they didn't offer earlier when you were working so hard, but that's a seperate issue to paying for your brother as well. It wouldn't change your situation and burn out even if your brother wasn't coming. It sounds like you are maybe resentful of not having more financial support for your qualifications generally and this is colouring this situation for you.

It still doesn't mean they wouldn't have changed their mind and paid for you, as they have with your brother, if it meant you wouldn't be able to come otherwise. You can't know that they'd have treated you differently.

You maybe need to think about why you said yes to this holiday initially if it meant having to take on an extra job whilst doing exams. I would have seen that as something I couldn't afford all along, rather than give myself burnout.

Ultimately you have professional qualifications you can use to get a good well paid job, and £3k on the bank. Your brother doesn't have either there's your reward.

Did he get a college course paid for? Or a deposit for a house? Or something that you didn't actually get? Did you only do the college course to be rewarded or did you do it for yourself? You'd ve far happier worrying about yourself and forgetting about what other people get or don't get!

And why did you think OP your parents wouldn’t have done the same for you? Is there a cultural thing at play here where boys are more valued? Because that’s how it sounds - I would take a bet you have trained as an accountant because that’s how your post sounds, somewhat balancing the books! Is there a reason too it matters that they ‘want’ your brother to go, seeing family , somewhere they have a connection too maybe? Please just let it go in your head or life over the years will really piss you off -

And why did you think OP your parents wouldn’t have done the same for you? Is there a cultural thing at play here where boys are more valued? Because that’s how it sounds - I would take a bet you have trained as an accountant because that’s how your post sounds, somewhat balancing the books! Is there a reason too it matters that they ‘want’ your brother to go, seeing family , somewhere they have a connection too maybe? Please just let it go in your head or life over the years will really piss you off

And why did you think OP your parents wouldn’t have done the same for you? Is there a cultural thing at play here where boys are more valued? Because that’s how it sounds - I would take a bet you have trained as an accountant because that’s how your post sounds, somewhat balancing the books! Is there a reason too it matters that they ‘want’ your brother to go, seeing family , somewhere they have a connection too maybe? Please just let it go in your head or life over the years will really piss you off

And why did you think OP your parents wouldn’t have done the same for you? Is there a cultural thing at play here where boys are more valued? Because that’s how it sounds - I would take a bet you have trained as an accountant because that’s how your post sounds, somewhat balancing the books! Is there a reason too it matters that they ‘want’ your brother to go, seeing family , somewhere they have a connection too maybe? Please just let it go in your head or life over the years will really piss you off

Then you need to take a step back from the entire dynamic. You can't change it, so you need to reduce your emotional investment in it.

Looking on the brightside, OP, you have a free holiday AND some money saved up for your hard work. DB with his attitude will only continue to struggle in life as people won't always be able to bail him out.

I feel sorry for your parents tbh.

OP I think you'll find you'll be much happier in life if you stop comparing yourself to your brother and drop the rope with this competitiveness with him. Honestly. I assume it's a hangover from childhood but you're both adults now.

Do you really want your parents to tell your brother he can’t come? Is that the only result that will make you happy?

Because I know how they treat me. Nothing cultural, just different expectations for me compared to him.

It devalues how your parents showed their pride in your achievement and that is upsetting. It is also galling that your brothers inaction has been rewarded in a bail out. You are however in very tricky territory if you expressed this - mostly the latter part. Congrats on your exams

One way or another, move out.

You're essentially arguing that you were a better girl but Santa Claus treated you the same.

To be honest? Yes, or he has to commit to paying them back. Another example, we both pay rent. I pay mine by standing order. His is out of his tips as and when they amount to enough in a week to pay it. How is that fair?

So leave then! £3k isn’t enough to buy a house but is plenty to put rent down on a house share with other people your own age…