Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

Lighten up dude 😎

Yes this is not fair as it can’t be a gift for OP if brother is getting trip for free! It’s like he is also gettjng a guft! Why don’t people understand that?

Have you discussed this with your parents @OP?

Will they be rewarding you another way if they truly want to give you a gift?

You don't understand what a gift is!

A gift is something you haven't earned and don't deserve! That's what makes it different from something you've earned.

Life is short. Let the resentment go and don't spoil a lovely holiday.

From a parents perspective, you only get so many holidays with your kids and I would do the same as your parents.

you sound bitter and self absorbed, get a fucking grip

nobody has to give you permission to feel how you feel but it won't change things.

Yeah, but here's the bit you're missing: Your parents love their children and they want to go on holiday together. It's their money so if they want your brother to come, then it's absolutely their right to pay for him to do so. It has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with paying for your holiday as well. In fact paying for you too should be seen by you as an unexpected bonus. You should be delighted, instead you're coming across as stroppy, bitter, selfish and childish.
You've been gifted 3k and it's made you nasty. And you don't see why almost everyone here thinks that's awful of you.

I do feel that I’ve been held to different standards than he has - which I’m sure everyone will say that’s just me playing the “victim”. For example I’ve always been expected to have a career with a clear path of progression while he doesn’t. He’s 25, works behind a bar and has no plans to leave that job or find anything else, because he’s happy as is. I left my job recently and had to basically justify it by moving to another job with progression etc., and it’s small things like if I have a lie in of a weekend I’ll get snippy comments about being lazy, but he rarely surfaces before midday. I do feel he’s been allowed to doss around a lot more than I have, and we’re held to different standards.

OPs parents have made it her business by involving / updating her re the brothers (lack of) financial arrangements for the holiday. Parents should have kept their word and paid for OP as promised and dealt with the son privately.

No way would I pay for one child to holiday with us and not the other, that's not how parenting works.

No. To get gifts outside of birthdays and Christmas you have to earn them - that’s how it’s always been for me. You don’t get things just because.

Move out then. You'll be happier for it.

Same conclusion here

How are you so sure you wouldn't be going on the holiday if you hadn't saved? Have your parents left you home alone before because you haven't saved but your brother did go because he had saved?

Just brainstorming here, so maybe I am speaking out of turn.

What I am getting from your post is that you feel that the reward of being given a free holiday for passing your exams feels devalued if your brother also gets a free holiday as a kind of reward for being useless at saving. If your parents had just said to you both ‘don’t worry, we’ll pay for you’ you would probably feel less aggrieved. However, at the end of the day it’s their money and you DO have a free holiday and despite any personal sacrifices you’ve made to save the money, you still have that money and can now go and do something else with it (travel with friends? Etc) which your brother can’t do.

Underlying this I think you feel some level or resentment for your brother - I am going to assume this is part of a pattern? If this is the case, you will need to let it go as bottling the resentment doesn’t serve anyone, and most especially not you. I sense you feel that you worked hard for exams and should have had some recognition for that - in which case I’d say, gently, that you need to reframe this. You’ve got professional qualifications that mean you will be financially secure for the rest of your life, something that your brother may not be. Underlying this, I am inferring, is a simmering sibling rivalry, a feeling perhaps that you’ve had to work harder to get your parents approval and that even when you have it, your brother’s actions taint it.

I am wondering whether he is the golden child or if you feel that your parents’ expectations have always been different for him as he’s a ‘boy’/man and you are a girl/woman? I’d recommend reading some books on family dynamics/sibling rivalry or maybe having some counselling if you feel there has been a toxic dynamic in which your DBro has always had preferential treatment or that you don’t feel good enough? Lots of people, myself included, seek prof qualifications and post grad degrees in order to prove to themselves, and others, that they are ‘good enough’ - so I wonder whether this was one of your drivers and you feel your parent’s treatment of your brother has kind of burst the bubble of satisfaction you had over achieving that?

This doesn’t seem to be about the holiday itself, but a family dynamic that is undermining your self-esteem?

Op gently have you ever been assessed for autism or could you be suffering from depression?

Your comments about your brother and this holiday lack normal sibling emotion and are very black and white thinking.

Both you and your brother are quite old to be still living at home and having family holidays. It seems your parents are trying to instil some life skills in terms of now being responsible for things like holidays, education etc. A lot of people this age are responsible for a lot more than that - such a children, housing etc.

Your brother seems still incapable of taking responsibility and failed to save but naturally parents don’t want to ban him from a holiday.

Likewise they are proud of your academic achievements and even though you did save they sensibly think we should let her keep that money and pay for her.

None of this is grossly unfair. If they had insisted you pay and brother didn’t that would be unfair.

Tbh both you and brother need to fly the nest and be living your own lives, financially independent and holidaying with friends etc and not parents at this stage.

You are in a much better position to do this than brother. Be glad of that. Don’t go on this holiday if you don’t want to but at this age neither of you should be expecting holidays with parents and I’d be working on building an independent life and not focussing on brother’s total inability to do so.

I can’t afford to. Because I’ve bent myself backwards to pay for this course and holiday.

But you haven't paid for this holiday.

Jesus Christ you need to pick your battle's or end up completely alienating your family. This has not impacted you at all, you have a holiday and all your savings...you should be really happy that everyone has been invited by your lovely parents...FFs you definitely need to give your head a wobble

Well sorry but what can we do about the broken housing market?

I don’t think it’s strange for four people to go on holiday, paying their own share - if it was four friends it would be seen as normal. You don’t turn 18 and never spend time with your parents again.

it is grossly unfair that he hasn’t had to save and I did. I didn’t expect the holiday - which I was I fucking saved!

Okay so from your original post I didn't understand why you were annoyed but after reading the rest it sounds like despite getting a free holiday, you've made sacrifices in order to save for this holiday and it feels unfair that these sacrifices were in vain because of your brothers irresponsibility. Because you have proven your self capable of responsibility, your parents hold you to higher standards than your brother which feels unfair.

I can see that it would be annoying that the free holiday is framed as a "gift" for passing your exams when in reality, it's to enable your brother to still attend and and to avoid an unfair situation where your brother doesn't pay but you do.

I can imagine you'd prefer a more honest response from your parents like "your brother hasn't managed to save, we aren't very happy about this but we want the holiday to go as planned so are willing to pay for him. We recognize that this is unfair for us to pay for him and not for you so we are willing to pay for you as well. I'm sorry it's turned out like this, as I know you've made sacrifices to save for this holiday and now your savings aren't needed"

I don't know the details of your family relationships but perhaps this situation is also just one example of a wider dynamic where your brother is tolerated for being irresponsible and frequently bailed out where as you are expected to be responsible with no recognition for doing so.

I can see why this would be annoying.

£3k isn’t going to buy a house, is it Heidi?

Try to ignore the fact that your parents have paid for you because of your exams, see it as they've paid for both children to come, AND you've got extra cash! That's something your brother doesn't have.

Irrelevant. He doesn’t deserve it!

Well now you've got 3k. A couple more months and you'll have enough.
You need to grow up a bit. You're too old to be saying stuff like you had to get a new job because your parents told you to. You got a new job because grown ups without savings don't get to be unemployed for the sake of it.
You're a full grown adult, you are responsible for how you spend your money.