Family holiday, my parents gifted to me and are now saying my brother doesn’t have to pay

[FamilyHolidayTroubles]

My adult brother and I are going on a trip with my parents. It was said from the start that we had to pay for ourselves, and every month I’ve been putting aside a certain amount to make sure that I had my share covered, and all of my spending money for the trip.

I recently passed some very important professional exams, so my parents said they’d pay for my share of the trip - essentially gifting me my saved money back.

They’ve now said though that it would be unfair if my brother had to pay. Turns out he told my mum the other week that he’s not saved any money and wouldn’t be able to afford to go. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair? We’ve had over a year to save, and if he didn’t bother surely that’s his problem, not mine?

Not sure why people think the OP is entitled here. She’s worked hard, she’s taken on an extra job to save up, she’s passed exams, and wasn’t expecting a free holiday at all. She has the money to pay for it. And her brother has done nothing at all to save, despite being told he needed to, and has come up against zero consequences. If anyone is entitled, it’s him. MN bewilders me sometimes.

Obviously they only decided to treat you both to a free holiday at the last minute. They didn't intend that all along. They are allowed to change their minds.

You're linking your exams to this free holiday way too much. 99% of adults who do exactly what you did to get professional qualifications do not get a free holiday for their troubles.

Get over yourself. You're getting your holiday paid for as well, so what's the problem?

You’re not children anymore though.
Thats the sort of attitude that works when you have teenagers.

Your parents aren’t there anymore to parent and punish. They want a hols with their ADULT dcs. If that means theyre paying, then it’s their choice to make, see if they can afford it etc…..

Plus natural consequences here are you having some savings and him not. You’re still been rewarded and he is still being punished.

i am Wonderimg how things were when you were growing up if you’re still so attached to the idea of fairness and being punished. The fact you believe that if things were reversed, you wouldn’t have gone in hols with them makes me think theres a golden child issue going on (you being held to high standards whilst your brother gets away with murder)

Tell them how you feel then! Don't fester on it. Start with your dad if you get on well.

Most people have agreed it’s not fair. Regardless it’s happening. You have already given it hours of your life. Take it from me, it’s short enough , even with a decent life span.

Accept this, enjoy the holiday, and don’t spoil it for the others. Don’t go otherwise. Put your saved money into your house deposit fund. Concentrate on this, and in my opinion it’s probably time to be planning to move out sooner than later. Clearly the dynamic within the house with you all living there isn’t working any more. You may think that’s not fair but given what you’ve said about your brother he’s less likely to move. You’ll be happier, with more perspective when you do this.

Get over yourself. You're getting your holiday paid for as well, so what's the problem?

THIS is true. You've done brilliantly in your exams.

However, unlike @TheArtfulNavyDreamer's opinion that 'he isn't there yet', I disagree. Favouring lack of success (which is what the parents are doing) is almost a guarantee he won't step up and achieve.

As far as life skills go @FamilyHolidayTroubles they HAVE actually enabled you to be focused, hard working and driven towards success. So although you're hurt, in the long run, they've forced you to be everything loser bro will never be.

God forbid we wanted a family holiday and some time with our aging parents?

Oh please don't start this shite..... both adult children have received the exact same gift! We know at least one of them is being a spoilt, ungrateful brat about it. That's all there is to it!

But you still have those savings, which you can now spend on something else. You’re still better off than he is.

That doesn’t erase the last year of mental health struggles and physical health issues because I was burnt out from working two jobs, while also studying for incredibly difficult exams, which was all for nothing.

It isn't a good deed to make your child feel unvalued though, is it

Hence the wisdom in the saying. Even something as generous and positive as paying for both your children to come on holiday is weaponized by one of those child to try to draw down the ire of Mumsnet on the parents.

As a parent, I wouldn’t put up with this from a six year old, let alone an adult.

OP do your parents generally treat the two of you differently and favour your brother?

Are there other examples of you being made to face consequences, like not taking you on a trip if you didn’t save up as agreed?

I’ve been grateful to them. But I am allowed to be hurt that I worked so hard to have the money? While he didn’t.

I think I would advise you on concentrating on how you are more equipped to manage money for yourself and therefore are not reliant on your parents. Your brother doesn’t appear to be. Perhaps your mum thought the incentive of a holiday might help him to get better at saving and managing his money but it doesn’t seem to have worked. Comparison is the theft of joy and focusing on yourself and your career and life will be the better use of your energy than trying to change your family.

I get it op. Your parents offered you the opportunity to go on holiday with them but you each had to pay for yourselves. It would appear you get on as a family or you wouldn't have bothered to save to go with them.
You saved money whilst working & studying for exams. Your brother didn't bother to save.
Just before the trip you got your exam results & as a reward your parents gifted you the trip but also paid for your brother too despite his lack of payment.
You feel that had the situation been reversed your brother would have been going but you wouldn't as your parents would have refused to pay for you as you hadn't bothered to save.
Is your brother the golden child & your parents enable him? Does he work, earn a decent wage ? What are his circumstances? Is this typical that your parents treat you differently?
It does seem unfair & I understand why you're annoyed, savings not withstanding.

@HappierTimesAhead totally agree . By the time OP gets to my age ( 63) she will be well aware that life isn’t always fair , learn to be greatful for kind generous parents and the fact she’s now got cash in the bank . Don’t sweat the small stuff OP or you will end up a simmering mass of resentment in life and don’t bring it up either or you will upset your parents

not your decision

I can fast forward your story in the next forty years you'll work hard, do well, marry, have a nice home, maybe children, in fact have a good liife.

Your brother won't do well, he'll throw away opportunities, spend unwisely, look at your life and be envious. You'll get snippy comments about your cushy life. You'll quietly fume but say nothing.

How do I know?? Because we are the hard workers who've done okay. My husband's brother the spendthrift who's blown through his inheritance, every penny earned is quite nasty about our good luck 🙄

So @FamilyHolidayTroubles celebrate your success.

Agree. I don't envy the parents having to holiday with a constant whine of "it's not fairrrrrrr" in their ears.

You seem pretty certain about this. And if that really is the case, why? What's the reason that your brother is the golden child and you're the black sheep? Parents generally don't just randomly decide that they dislike one of their children.

C'mon OP, tell the truth....were you a naughty girl before you became a petulant student?

You've got:

• A free holiday
• Professional exams passed (well done!)
• £3K saved

Your bother has got:

• A free holiday

Honestly, I think most parents seem to get the percieved fairness thing a bit wrong with siblings from what I can tell.

It was a reason why we had just one child (DH thinks he has been treated very unfairly (not money) compared to his sibling and it still bothers him now he is in his fifties!).

We have no real strategy with how we gift money/treat our young adult DS - we make it up as we go along. Say inconsistent things (without meaning to). I am so glad we don't need to think about keeping it fair between siblings - it would be so hard! My parents gave us all fuck all over the age of 18 (and none of my siblings thinks they were hard done compared to each other as a result - that is probably the only way).

Your brothers a bit of a dick

Your parents ob eye rolled and gone ffs when he said he didnt have the money and have decided they will pay as they want him to come

Be proud your not a useless twat.

Oh come the fuck on you're definitely playing the victim too much now.

"All for nothing" is extremely dramatic.

You did all that for YOURSELF and your career. Not for a free holiday.